#about key

Well, I already watched some YouTube because of Minecraft; I watched Captain Sparklez and a guy by the name of MonkeyFarm a lot, but that was all I really watched regularly.Until FNAF came on the scene. A good friend of mine had heard of this phenomenon of people playing the game on video and getting scared silly, and looked some up. We watched a bit of Felix. Then we found an adorable, loud Irish man. And then a handsome guy with a crazy amazing voice. And we laughed ourselves sick.

Despite the fact that I startle very badly (like, i sometimes get physically ill from it), I was hooked. I ended up looking Mark up later on my own, and eventually added Jack to the mix as well. Felix never really stuck for me (he seems like a great guy but his videos rarely catch my attention), but as time went on Mark and Jack became more and more prominent in my life. The egos more and more caught my attention and fascinated me, the way the guys wove these fictional characters into their own “reality”And then A Date with Markiplier happened. And then Markiplier TV. And I lost just every one of my shits. Over the following summer I (last summer), especially as my health dipped to the worst it’s ever been, I dove headfirst into the fandom everywhere I could. Just like Mark and Jack and their goofy videos have gotten me through some of the worst times in my life, their alter egos and the amazing communities got me through even more.

I’ve made so many friends and really felt renewed, found a crazy strong passion I haven’t felt for much in a long time, and found an inspiration to be to others what Mark and Jack (and Jordan an Amy and Arin and Danny and so many others now) have been for me. I actually really want to start YouTube seriously, as well as streaming on Twitch. I doubt I’ll ever be able to support myself with it but if I can make people happy, I’m happy.

So I guess this very long answer is also sort of my announcement that I’m going to start doing video stuff? I don’t have my own space so I’ll be restricted to what I can get through library quiet rooms and the like, but I’m going to make this happen somehow.

A few years ago, someone who I guess passes as “online acquantance” (not quite friend? or maybe?) and knows people with autism asked me whether I think it’s possible that I myself am autistic. (this was in response to me describing some issues I had with communication)

At the time, I was pretty baffled at the question because all I knew (or thought I knew) about autism were things that I did not and still do not relate to at all and in fact felt like they were the opposite of my experience.

I don’t think that particular conversation continued or I just don’t remember it, but some years have passed, I’ve been picking up some bits about autism (or aspergers) which I think are beginning to be much more or even extremely relatable, so over the past few years now? I’m having doubts, and they get stronger.

I’m just not sure if my “old knowledge” about Autism were just exaggerated, specific bits or (not necessarily truthful) clichés - or if the “new knowledge” is actually just the opposite and overly simplified to the point of being relatable to most everyone (at least in my age/environment group), actually autistic or no. When I try to read up on it myself to get my own perspective on it as well as I can, I find myself in the same “this is VERY much me but at the same time, not at all” conundrum.

What I do know though, is that I have a history of being (almost ridiculously) delusional / in denial about and rationalizing away certain but very essential parts of my personal experience and identity. I don’t speak about them much, not because I’m afraid or ashamed but because most of the time I don’t find it necessary and don’t like strict “boxes” these words would put me into (or people listening would). That said though? These factors combined? I guess if there’s someone who does NOT like to fall into the “oh this is relatable, this must be me” trap of wrongly diagnosing myself and prefers to ignore the obvious about themselves, then that’s me. I’m really slow and cautious about figuring myself out and I’d rather not be defined or defining myself at all than being defined incorrectly.

Anyway. For some years now, I’ve had growing doubts whether the parts of me that I still struggle with and haven’t found a good explanation for couldn’t be explained with me actually being on the autistic spectrum. For the record, it still feels extremely weird to read this, even after mulling it over in my head for YEARS and I believe this is the first time I’m actually expressing this outside my own head.

I just did two similar online screening tests from psychology websites, both for Aspergers and Autism. Not sure about the credibility of those. Both did tell me I show pretty clear signs of being on the spectrum. That’s just an online screening and not an actual diagnosis though. I don’t even know if I want or need an ACTUAL diagnosis - capacities for even getting officially diagnosed as an adult seem to pretty slim, I honestly don’t trust many doctors are all that accurate with their diagnoses, and... what’s the point? At this point, I think it’s mostly curiosity, and maybe the small hope that getting one might also lead to more understanding of myself and how to deal with some things a bit better that I never knew weren’t ACTUALLY common people things? Maybe actually manage to have a less straining social experience? Or just an answer to something I’ve been breaking my head over from an outside source (who, ideally, KNOWS what they’re talking about) who confirms me WHY some things about me work the way they do?

Cafe Asks ☕️

Iced Cafe Mocha : Favorite thing to do on rainy days?

I feel like I've answered this before but I cannot find it.

Anyway!

My url before sunshinequentin was accioavowal. Avowal not a vowel btw. Since people thought that. Its still my handle in some places. [Namely twitter, and my mostly unused witch instagram]

ANYWAY

I went by Accio for like a second.

Then it shortened to Key.

And I've never looked back.

🗝

I was tagged by @fuckyeahhannibal

1. Icon: A picture of Hale Appleman in wardrobe for Eliot Waugh sitting on a desk and smiling cheekily with his arms holding him up behind him.

2. Content: I still reblog Magicians stuff, but there’s a lot of nature, flowers, yearning, cottagecore content. People keep making quizzes and sometimes there’s a bit of Animal Crossing content lol.

3. Letter color: Blue on my mobile theme I still need to update my desktop one.

4. URL: Sunshinequentin. I used to tag magicians gifs and stuff with “my beautiful sunshine boy” for quentin. After 4x13 lots of people dropped their magicians urls, and left the fandom/their blogs. and I went from accioavowal to sunshinequentin in sort of defiance. I still have it in defiance. I miss Quentin. :’)

5. Header: Hale Appleman in some blue flowers

Mood rings only really read your body temperature anyway. Or I felt nothing my entire freshman year of high school.

Literally my hands are like always cold so my mood ring which I wore on my thumb cause I have tiny fingers, was always black. I'm....not sure why I wore it the entire school year since I knew it was just not going to work. Yet there I was still wearing it, like something would happen.