#abicadabri

Aziraphale

All right, all right, I don’t like it any more than you, but I told you. I can’t disod. disoy…not do what i’m told. ‘M a ‘nangel.

Crowley (after a thoughtful pause, slyly) …Theres no theatres in heaven. And very few films.

Aziraphale (indignant) Don’t you try to tempt me! I know you, you old serpent.

Crowley

Just you think about it! You know what eternity is? You know what eternity is? I mean, d’you know what eternity is? Theres this big mountain, see, a mile high, at the end of the universe. And once every thousand years theres this little bird–

Aziraphale (Suspicious) What little bird?

Crowley

This little bird, I’m talking about. And every thousand years–

Aziraphale (interrupting) The same bird every thousand years?

Crowley

(pause)…Yeah.

Aziraphale

…Bloody ancient bird, then.

Crowley

Ok. And every thousand years this bird flies–

Aziraphale (interjecting) Limps.

Crowley (annoyed) –Flies all the way to this mountain and sharpens its beak.

Aziraphale

Hold on. You cant do that. Between here and the end of the universe theres loads of– (struggling) –loads of bugger all, dear girl!

Crowley

But it gets there anyway.

Aziraphale

How?

Crowley

(Frustrated) It doesn’t matter!!

Aziraphale

...It could use a spaceship.

Crowley

…Yeah. if you like. Anyway, this bird–

Aziraphale

Only it is the end of the universe we’re talking about. So it’d have to be one of those spaceships where your descendants are the ones who get out at the other end. you have to tell your descendants, you say, ‘when you get to the mountain, you’ve got to…” you’ve got to…  …what have they got to do?

Crowley

Sharpen its beak on the mountain. And then it flies back–

Aziraphale

In the space ship.

Crowley

–And after a thousand years it goes and does it all again.

(They lapse into contemplative, drunken silence)

Aziraphale

Seems a lot of effort just to sharpen a beak…

Crowley

Listen. The point is that when the bird has worn the mountain down to nothing, right, then–

Crowley

-then you still won’t have finished watching the sound of music! And you’ll enjoy it. You really will.

Aziraphale

My dear girl–

Crowley

You won’t have a choice.

Aziraphale

Listen–

Crowley

Heaven has no taste.

Aziraphale

Now–

Crowley

And not one single sushi restaurant.

(Small pause. Aziraphale groans.)

Aziraphale

I can’t… I can’t cope with this while ‘m drunk. I’m going to sober up.

Crowley