#ab fic

TO SAY YOU were tipsy would be a dramatic understatement. You were at the level of tripping over your own feet (never mind other peoples on top of that) and whenever someone provided you with water, you ended up spilling more of it than actually consuming.

Alfie was sober, of course. Someone had to be.

And, for a change of scenery, your friend group was out clubbing.

Not going from pub to pub, no, not tonight. Actually clubbing.

You were in your element.

Lights strobing around you, music blasting so loud you couldn’t hear what your friends were saying. It was a vast difference compared to your usually quiet self.

“Reader, come drink this please.” Alfie said, holding out a bottle of water to you.

You took it with unsteady hands, leaning too far backwards and nearly clattering to the floor. If it wasn’t for your boyfriend's massive arms, you would’ve smacked the dirty surface.

He exhaled harshly, pulling you into his chest, holding you up, snatching the bottle back off of you and began to feed it to you slowly.

Still, you ended up wearing most of it.

“Oh my God, this song!” Yasmin screamed, pulling you away from Alfie and back into the crowd.

Your head was hung low, laughing inaudibly as you tripped over your own feet, landing on your knees. They were definitely going to be all scraped up.

She just pulled you back up, latching onto you like a koala, something that you reciprocated.

The both of you sang obnoxiously while turning on the spot, occasionally rolling your hips.

Yas, always the one to encourage you, ended up pulling out a new drink that she’d bought, handing it to you.

You chugged half of it, it immediately going to your head, causing you to shake your head, scream dramatically and make some sort of face before continuing to drink.

“Oi, enough.” Alfie suddenly appeared, latching an arm around your wrist and prying the circular ball of alcohol out of your hand.

“No!” You whined, reaching for it.

“Reader, stop.” He said firmly, but you weren’t listening.

You were far too intoxicated and in one of those moods to comply with your boyfriend's requests. He knew that if he kept going, you would end up in a grumpy mood with him, which maybe wouldn’t be the worst.

At least then you’d be calmer and easier to deal with.

“Come outside, please.” He requested calmly, hand still tight around your wrist as he tried to drag you to the exit.

You pretended to scream for help, causing Yasmin to latch onto you from behind and you both collapsed into each other in a fit of laughter.

“Stop it, you’re being silly.” Alfie tried to hold onto you with both hands, which was difficult because one of them was occupied by a drink.

You used it to your advantage, swiping at it to get it back and hopefully take a sip.

Unfortunately, all it did was clatter to the floor, spilling across your chest, legs, and really expensive leather boots.

“For fucks sake.” Alfie murmured.

“Alfie!” You shouted, whining at the feeling of stickiness on your skin.

“Oh no!” Yasmin gasped, licking her fingers and starting to rub at the exposed skin on your chest, trying to rid you of the alcohol.

“Yas, come on, let’s go outside.” George held onto his own girlfriend as the group gathered to leave.

“Why have you done that?!” You whined at Alfie, pouting.

“I didn’t— No, get outside.” He shook his head, hooking your arm over his shoulders and dragging you out.

The cold air hit you immediately, but there was no way that that was going to sober you up.

“I don’t have my things!” You exclaimed, patting at your body.

“I have everything for you.” He said, continuing to guide you down the road.

Somehow, Yasmin ended up stacking it onto the pavement, making you turn around to help her.

Your feet entangled in her legs, sending you down next to her.

You were a mess of limbs and loud cackles as you lay on the floor, your respective boyfriends trying to lift you up.

“Reader, your shirt, honey!” Sabina sighed, reaching out and adjusting your halter neck shirt so that your decency was respected.

“Let’s go to that kebab shop down the road, they both need greasy food.” Liv planned, pointing in the general direction of the shop.

“Yeah, they’re so fucked.” Arthur laughed.

“Alfie, stop!” You screamed, your voice echoing down the street, turning heads across the road and causing bouncers to perk up.

“You need to calm down.” He hissed, pulling you down a side road for a second, “Stop it.”

“You’re agitating me!” You snapped.

“No, you’re agitating yourself. Just take a minute. Okay? Breathe. You’re fucking smashed. I need you to co-operate with me.” He pleaded, holding you close and tucking your hair behind your ears.

“No, you’re being mean!” You huffed, pushing away from him, “Go away!”

“Readerrrr!” Yasmin sang drunkenly, reaching out for you and latching your hands together.

Alfie and George hung back behind the both of you, muttering about how much of a nightmare you were both being.

You tripped over your heels, rolling your ankle and smacking into the wall. You screeched dramatically, and Yasmin cackled, still holding onto you.

“Right, off.” Alfie grumbled, crouching down and taking your shoes off for you.

“I wanna wear them!” You slurred, trying to put them back on, but he held them in his hands. “I can’t be barefoot, Alfie!”

Yasmin gasped like she had a genius idea, “I’ll carry you!”

“Oh my God, yes!”

“No!” George shook his head, “Yas, don’t.”

“No, no, I can do it.” She insisted, hooking an arm under your legs and another around your back, heaving with a very theatrically strained groan.

She put way too much of her weight forwards, sending you both toppling over.

“What is wrong with them?” Chip asked exasperatedly as everyone crowded around to help you up.

Sabina took your boots off of Alfie so he could lift you into his arms, slung over his shoulder so you could still talk to Yasmin, who was now walking behind you two.

Everyone entered the kebab shop politely, until you and your equally intoxicated companion clattered into a corner booth, laughing wildly at nothing in particular, but still finding amusement regardless.

“What do you want?” Alfie asked, holding onto the back of your head to lean in.

“Nothing.”

“Ah, you know what, just sit down.” He scoffed exasperatedly, getting really fed up with your stubborn, annoying behaviour.

When he walked up to the counter to order what he knew you’d like, you got really upset at how quickly his tone changed with you.

“Alfie.” You sniffled, reaching out for him, but Sabina crouched down in front of you.

“You need to calm down, okay?” She explained gently, “I know you’re drunk, and you don’t know what’s going on, but you need to listen to Alfie, okay?”

“Okay.” You hiccuped.

Just before the brought their over-processed, greasy (but delicious) slop to you, George had helped you out of the booth and into the other side of it so he could sit beside Yasmin and Alfie would be beside you, which he obviously did.

Your head was resting on his shoulder as he fed you the cheesiest, oiliest pizza you’d ever consumed.

You hummed loudly as you ate, making Liv laugh from the other booth.

“Better?” He asked, wiping his hands on a tissue with a displeased groan at how greasy his fingers had gotten.

You shook your head, gesturing for more.

“I love you so much.” You slurred completely, your words barely logical to him.

“I love you too, angel. Now eat.” He holds the piece out to you.

You bite into it before talking again.

“I’m so sorry! I’m so horrible to you. I love you so much. I’m so sorry.” You sniff, wrapping your hands around his neck and clinging onto him.

“You’re not horrible, girl, you’re just drunk.” Alfie laughed, kissing your cheek before feeding you another bite.

When it got to you two going home, he once again slung you over his shoulder, taking the boots back from Sabina and walking home.

It wasn’t far, only about five to ten minutes, but you drunkenly rambled about nonsense that made no sense for the entirety of the journey.

“I love you.” You repeated for the umpteenth time in twenty minutes.

“I know, you’ve said.” He smiled, walking up the stairs to the apartment with your hair swaying against his legs.

You latched your own around his waist, holding onto him tightly even when he tried to lay you down in bed.

“Nooooo.” You whined, locking your ankles at his lower back and holding onto his neck tighter.

“Angel, I need you to let go so I can change you.” He laughed, kissing along your jawline and cheek lovingly.

“No, please.” You pouted, turning your head so he would kiss your lips.

“I love you, but let go.” He snorted, giving you a final kiss before wrenching free of your grip and beginning to undress you, slipping your pyjamas over your sloppy, limp frame.

He then adjusted you, rolling you into position with your head against the pillow. This was momentary, because the moment he was in bed beside you, he grabbed you, splaying your entire body over his, just the way you liked it.

“I love you.” You grinned, wriggling against him.

“Stop!” He shouted, covering his crotch as your ankle came freakishly close to kicking his balls.

“Sorry.” You laughed, kissing his neck.

He pushed you off when you began getting a little too forward in sucking his skin.

“Go to sleep.” He hummed, tightening his arms around you.

chip was too busy trying to breathe through his laughter while calfreezy gasped next to him, “no way, the dogs do you dirty like that! you don’t still live at home, do you?”

“no, no, this was just before i got the grotto. probably the last time before i had enough, not gone back since,” he grinned as the others proceeded to laugh. “final straw. slammed the deposit down on the table after that.”

“man, i can’t imagine the struggle having y’gal over when you’re still living at home,” chip chuckled as freezy took a laughing fit this time. “we been lucky that way, we moved out real young.”

“until you move out, you don’t realise how mad it is but,” alfie shrugged, “what ya gonna do. i think back to times and get goosebumps i’m like was i possessed or something when i was tryna slip it in n’ the MIL strutting about the landin’, tryna get the washing done.” he watched the other two laugh wildly at his diabolical confession. “true story that.”

“bro,” cal chuckled greatly, fanning himself with his card, “red card! red card.”

ok yeah, this was definitely not what you were expecting 10 seconds in.

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“so what is your situation? do you have a girlfriend? a situationship? single?”

“no, i got a girl,” he confirmed.

“you have a girl?”

he nodded, “yeah,” scrambling for his phone, he sat comfy on the couch of his first proper podcast appearance. he clicked the lockscreen button and all three pairs of eyes glancing to the mesmerising photo of the bikini-clad girl sat at a table opposite AB. you actually hated the photo, slouched in the plastic chair whilst waiting for your food to come after spending almost 2 hours in the pools at the waterpark, hair drenched from the slides and your boyfriend throwing you under water, you looked like a hot mess in your opinion.

all alfie saw across from him was some tanned, busty model sprinkled in water droplets looking like something straight out of a porno mag.

of course, when you kicked off at the sight of it, he said it was ‘lovely!’

“that’s your girl?”

“yeah.”

“do the people know you got a girl?”

“i think so. i mean i don’t hide it. if i bring her up, i bring her up, i don’t try to avoid it or whatnot. i think that makes a bigger deal than what it is. she’s not been in my vids or anything but i’ll talk about her. if she is it’s no longer than a minute or such,” he gave a quick swipe through the other wallpapers on his phone that rotated every hour, showcasing your beauty with cute smiles and gorgeous outfits and the odd one with him in it. he put his phone back in his pocket. “yeah.”

“wow. how long you been together?”

“uhh, coming up three years this year.”

“oh no way!”

“yeah.”

“how’d you guys meet?”

“uh, basically went through school together,” he bounced his leg over the other. “she hated me for majority and then 6th form,” he shrugged, “got wham and she wanted a bit,” he winked at the camera.

“actually?!”

“nah, nah, not entirely. i mean she did fuckin’ hate me in the beginning.”

they laughed at him. “no!”

“yeah, like, i was a nobody to her. she didn’t give a fuck - to be fair, she hated all guys in school like she was never the type that was interested in boys - you know how when you’re first year and you start fancying people and you meet up at parks n shit, have a cheeky kiss behind the swings, talk for a bit on snap — yeah she never did that. nobody had her, even in year 7 like, she fancied no one. when she said man-hater she meant man-hater.”

“is that what you got up to in year 7?” they snickered.

“nah bro, i was – up until 6th form, i was still like, late bloomer bro like no gal wanted me,” he laughed, “i was too busy playin’ minecraft with the boys.”

“so this the only girl you been with?”

alfie closed his eyes and fought back a nervous smile, “broo, y’gonna get me strung up by my gyal, man,” he said in his roadman accent, rubbing his eyes.

you smiled at the sight of him looking like he was walking on eggshells.

“we don’t talk ‘bout that, know what i’m sayin’.”

calfreezy and chippo laughed, seeing the guy perfectly represented how all guys felt when the mention of other females came up prior to their girl.

“nah, she is my first girlfriend, like, proper, in love, relationship,” he awkwardly explained. “just . . drips n drabs before that — fuckin’ hell, you man sweatin’ as well?” you laughed out loud when he dabbed his actually slightly sweaty forehead.

calfreezy kicked his feet as he laughed at the sight of alfie visibly dreading this topic despite laughing nervously.

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“nah, 10 times out of 10 i go by myself. the gym with my missus is a whole thing. ‘cause she doesn’t want to work arms . . and i don’t want to work legs . . ‘n then she just gives up ‘cause she can’t be bothered which annoys me but then i annoy her when i try to push her . . then guys come in and i can’t chill ‘cause i feel like they’re looking at her and it’s like fuck . . i’m gonna have to establish dominance here by taking a drink from her fruity ass pink water bottle.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“so did she fancy you in school?”

“i mean, she didn’t really like anyone outside her own little circle in school. let me explain this vibe of my gal alright? her friends were a group of cunts,” he didn’t flinch at their dropped mouths, “i can say that ‘cause they’re not friends anymore, but pure, like, horrible girls when she stopped hanging with them. it’s a whole story, but basically the friend group - i mean, it was mostly one girl stirring it, but the rest followed her like the leader. they were unbearable the last few months of school, like, genuinely, i couldn’t stand them. but y/n like . . you kind of never bothered with her anyway ‘cause she was just like . . i’m not saying you didn’t stand a chance with her but you didn’t. just because . . . she just didn’t like any of the lads from school. she just wasn’t interested in relationships. everyone thought she went with someone from a different school ‘cause there no way she was single out of choice like — she — i mean i’m gonna sound biased but she genuinely was the stunner of the group. of the school to be fair. and the nicest, she was most easiest to approach, it was kind of like a pity she was associated with that group. that was her only flaw.”

“that was her red flag!”

“yeah literally! it’s like . . who are you really if you’re hanging with them? something’s up . . . but nah, like she just wasn’t fussed on lads. she was years ahead in maturity and it was probably like taking on a child in her eyes to get in a relationship at that age. you know what it’s like.”

“no totally, we’ve all been that age. we’re still not fully mature. the immaturity don’t leave us. still get called a manchild by my mrs.”

“yeah! the immaturity, lack of seriousness. proper delusional thinking you could get with someone at that age and expect genuine respect, proper loves you, won’t cheat, will last together type thing. i mean who comes to mind when you think of your old schoolmates who were together that are still together?” he rambled.

“valid. valid.”

“you could talk to her, chance your arm, but it’d be a waste of time, you got nowhere. and the lads weren’t exactly tryna make new mates, y’know what i mean? and she was always with her little crew anyway, so you just dodged the lot of them. her friends said they hated guys too but then got with every man goin,” he had his little vent on that dreadful old friend group of yours, “not my gal though,” he winked at the camera.

“so you won her over.”

“basically, but not in a i-wanted-to-be-her-boyfriend way like i genuinely just wanted her to like me as a person ‘cause she had this whole image painted entirely wrong of me and it used to bug the shit out of me. i was like i’m making it my mission to get you to like me ‘cause i swear i’m not some player–fuckboy type. i’ve got two chihuahuas, mate. i come home, i eat my chicken nuggs, i hop on minecraft and i mind my own business. i might look like i’d cheat on you with some fiat 500 batty but i get nervous ordering at greggs. don’t let the fade fool you, i-i can hardly look a gal in the eye. trust, i ain’t got that roadman ting going on.”

“oh did she think you were a prick?!”

“yeah, like, we were pretty calm in school, we got put through this same class for four years, GCSE to a-level, it was really small, like 10 people and none of my friends were in it, none of hers were so we were like - we still weren’t close but like . . if she needed caught up on notes, she was asking me, y’knaa—” he flicked his hand like he was flexing his rizz on the boys.

“she was asking me for notes—” freezy hit chips arm as he laughed.

“s’like yeah girl, write your number in there while you’re at it,” he joked, “nah but then she dragged me into a argument i weren’t even a part of in front of the whole canteen and made a dick of me so.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“i’m actually really romantic?” alfie defended himself against the older boys in the middle of filming a football shoot.

“what’d you do for valentines?”

“i actually got her a A3 card.”

“that said what? ‘best girlfriend ever?’” chris rolled his eyes.

“uh, it was personalised, i’ll have you know.”

“what was the photo?” harry asked.

“uhhhh.”

he had to scroll to find a photo of the card but he did. the cover was a photo you’d taken from the shower, your arm raised high above you to capture just from your shoulders, upwards and alfie also standing in the bathroom next to it, using the toilet but thankfully half-covered by the glass pane of it. “i–it’s basically us in the bathroom. she was taking a shower and i was taking a piss. y—you obviously can’t see anything b—”

“jesus christ.”

“and she put that up for her mum and dad to see?!”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“would you say you’re the jealous type? does your girlfriend get jealous?”

“pffftttt,” alfie spat into the mic, looking wide-eyed across at tays and ginge, “jealous? bros i got a pure psycho on my hands, i can’t lie,” he put on that stupid voice again.

“oh seriously?!” ginge sat up, intrigued.

“she not let other women breathe near you either?” tays said.

“she’s an unpredictable psycho. she likes to play a little guessing game w’me when i come home sometimes. have to figure out what mans did wrong. she let me breathe around one woman, i breathed around two, s’like shittt girl, my bad. ” the two boys laughed opposite him, getting him to laugh himself. “nah she my little demon. i like it. i like when she goes a bit crazy, feel like she might murder me. turns me on, lowkey,” again, with the weird voice. “i like a fiery ting, is she gonna kill me, is she not.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“nah i do have fun with my girl on nights out, i know some lads dread being the same place with their gal in the club ‘n that but i’m guaranteed to have more fun in her company than some of my boys like, some of my boys down 4 bottles and their knocked out like some 60-year-old dad in the corner booth. it’s like mate, allow it. my brother – we were on holiday a few months back with my family, and me and my brother said we would go on the strip like go to the club one night, got all hype about it, and then when it came to it he was like ‘nah bro, can’t be bothered.’ i turned to my mrs, said ‘d’you want to go out tonight?’ she said ‘yeah, will we get a bag on the way?’ i said ‘girl is the sky blue?’ — nah i’m jokinnn’ she didn’t say that, she didn’t say that. not that time. but you get what i mean, she meets my level.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“I’M SCARED TO BRING HER AROUND YOU LOT INCASE YOU DON’T LIKE HER!” he confessed stressfully to his youtube squad. “SHE’S REALLY BAD AT FIRST IMPRESSIONS ‘N THEN I’M GONNA HAVE TO SMACK YOU ALL WHEN YOU SAY SHE’S A SOUR-FACED BITCH!”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“you know what? i do feel bad, i feel like i’ve really exaggerated her to be this raging, controlling, psycho bitch, you lot are all gonna be like free AB but she’s really not, like, she gives me so much freewill—it’s me who brings out the psycho in her.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“i call it lemon and lime time.”

“ . . . wot.”

“come again?”

“lemon and lime time? because–no, listen, right— on boxes of tampons you get – there’s different colours. green and yellow -maybe orange, or i might be making that up- either way. she sent me out to get her some one time ‘n i was like ‘what flavour d’you want? lemon or lime?’ they must be scented or something, i dunno, and she voice note me back really laughing and said lemon, lime, whatever. found it really funny. whatever. but now it’s like a hack ‘cause you know when you ask your mrs ‘you on your period’ it’s like—”

“–aw bro, it’s like starting world war three.”

“–it’s a tricky situation.”

“–it’s a set up.”

“it is!” alfie sat up straighter, passionate about the topic, “but now i just say ‘is it lemon and lime time’ and she’ll answer without blowing my head off,” he smiled proudly, “life hack or what?”

“it’s pretty clever, actually. is that why they’re different colours then? flavoured or scented?”

“i think so,” he nodded.

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“—she’s the one who came up with gimpy perm boy. i picked her up from a night out and we were sort’ve arguing beforehand, nothing serious but when i picked her up she was still in a mood, and she got in the car, rambling on to herself ‘n was all ‘yeah talk to me when you get a decent haircut, y’gimp. gimpy gimpy perm boy.’ it was the funniest thing ever, we both laughed when she said it ‘cause it was just so shit and the way she was talking to herself as if i wasn’t sat right next to her. . . and then i nicked it for my own video. SO the people who say they don’t like my gal and don’t think she’s funny - it’s her joke you all constantly comment on my vids, so suck on that,” he held up his two fingers to the camera.

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“no but i have punched someone before.”

“have you?!”

“i’m not — i’m not a fighter like i don’t want to fight anyone, ever. and my girl always says to me like especially on nights out ‘just because you can, doesn’t mean you should’ - and im not that guy anyway, y/n would be fuming if i got into a fight like that’s the last thing she wants to see and i would never do anything she didn’t want me to. . i genuinely just want a nice night. maybe a kebab, go home, cuddle, that’s me. but like . . yeah. apparently i’ve got a bit of a temper when it comes to her. my mum says it all the time, like, ‘you go blind where that girl’s involved’ and i used to be like what’s she on about? blind where? i’m chill, i’m calm, i’m zen,” he shrugged cluelessly, “but then . . yeah. one night i got it.”

he shuffled comfortably on his seat. “it was late at night and we were all waiting on a taxi. can’t really remember what we were out for but just left the club, waiting to go home, getting hangry for a mcdonald’s and me and my mates were standing in the street. y/n came and met up with us so we could go home together,” he explained. “i remember i was all agitated anyway with just drunk people doing my head in, shouting and smashing things, guys looking at my girl - nothing major, s’just worse when they’re drunk, like, they’re not discreet about it, ‘n i get it: she’s a rocket. then this guy spawns in from nowhere - proper npc behaviour. already being loud, off his face, lingering round us. my mates were laughing at him, but i wasn’t. i clocked him straight away—weird vibe, ‘n he starts coming in on my girl, looks her over once and says the most - i be fuming thinking about it” he almost laughed psychotically, “says the most diabolical, gruesome shit ever like stupid little comment. i literally — i swear down — i-it—it was like one minute i was just standing there watching him . . . and then, i blinked, and i was still just standing there, except, he was on the floor and i genuinely like—” he stares into the void for a second, still baffled.

“NO!”

“HAHA! CLASS!”

“no, no, honestly lads, it’s — i don’t even remember moving – i - it could have been anyone who hit him ‘cause i genuinely didn’t move a muscle from my spot. it didn’t register. i didn’t even get this–this rush or urge to bang him, it just happened. it was y/n who like, was gripping my arm, panicked, going, ‘alfie?! what the fuck?! why’d you do that?!’ and i’m like, just as confused like why she blaming me? i’m looking at my own hand like . . wait what? what she on about? did i . . ? didn’t feel a thing. no rush, no blood boiling, nothing. it was. like my arm just acted out without telling me. i was stood there trying to remember if i actually hit him or if he just like, tripped on a crack in the pavement and karma did its ting.”

the boys were in cackles but you were laughing into yourself more so at alfie’s genuine confusion and despair as he reflected back to that night. “nooo wayyyy, bro.”

“my mates were there, they were like we couldn’t even stop you if we wanted to ‘cause it was like a twitch. like—bam. we couldn’t even clock it. and the guy’s friends came out after and were standing about and they didn’t even try anything, they were like . . yeah bro, he did have that coming but like . . . is he alive though?’ — y/n’s the one making sure the man’s breathing while i’m just hovering like an absolute muppet. and then i’m apologising to her like she’s the one i wronged which i guess i did . . .” he sighed stressfully. “swear, i felt the hangover kicking in and i just did my last shot like 10 minutes prior! stood there just thinking how’s this even happened? i was literally craving maccies two minutes ago, now i’ve apparently assaulted a man and my girlfriend’s out here playing paramedic to someone who just tried to undress her with his eyes!” he exhales like he’s just relived the whole thing. “but then . . yeah it’s chill. it’s all good. had to grovel a bit in the taxi to make sure she was still coming back to mine but,” he shrugged, “it was calm.”

“yeah, like she couldn’t be annoyed at you.”

“yeah, she wasn’t annoyed at me, she was just annoyed the way it puts her in a kind of awkward situation, like cleaning the mess up. but it was fine. i was like ‘fine, just tell me next time and i’ll stand behind you while you swing’,” he chuckled.

“class bro,” they applauded him and you rolled your eyes at the screen.

“but yeah, in–in conclusion, i have - wouldn’t say fought but . . i’ve hit a few people before. but it’s always in defence or something like that.”

“i’m so glad i’ve never had to defend my girl like that, then we’re both getting disrespected.” chip said.

“my ego couldn’t take it.”

“this is why you’ve gotta get wham, so you can defend your bird,” alfie winked at the camera. “had to back my boys up when it kicked off at a maccies though, one time after school. true story.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“i’ve learned in my time that ‘i’m fine’ really translates to ‘figure it out you stupid dickhead.’”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“—same as when you’re feelin’ yourself, y’know? maybe get a fresh trim, hit the gym real quick, clean fit — and then your girl walks in, probably in her fucking pyjamas, little tank and shorts on and it’s like . . how you gonna out-do me like that like i was feelin’ pretty leng then and you just show up and bring my rating down to a solid 4. don’t even get me started when they are all glammed up.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“yo girl, can i get your number? take you for a little spin ‘n that,” you recognised this clip as alfie vlogged from his brand new car (at the time) while passing each other on the road to both your houses. it was so weird and a little sad how you both had the same car and now his was gone and replaced with his new defender. you used to joke your audis were boyfriend and girlfriend too, his grey, yours white.

now he was just driving a military tank on the road that god forbid you left a lip liner in.

“i got a man. or actually i dunno where he’s gone. some guy in a tractor tank just pulled up thinking he’s peng,” you shielded your eyes from the sun as you looked up at him through your rolled down window.

he grinned, continuing his roadman persona. “say less. man’s here now, innit. jump in, i’ll take you nando’s, get you lemon and herb, maybe medium if you behave.”

“medium? you think i look like a medium kinda girl?”

“my bad, you’re right. you’re giving extra hot, still, might need to calm you down with a drink after.”

you leaned your head on your hand out the window, “what are you after?”

he adjusted his cap and slyly smirked, “just a man in his defender, tryna wife up a fine ting in an aldi A1.”

“aldi A1? as in . . the same thing you used to drive about like it was a range just last week?” you grinned.

he nodded, “allow it, girl, it’s a lifestyle. i can’t be seen in a basic whip anymore.”

“oh basic is it now?” you couldn’t hold back your smile at the audacity, “careful, mocking your roots. car’s gone to his head already.”

he laughed and shrugged, “yeah, well. we grow. we evolve.”

“into what? self-absorbed arseholes?”

“aight, be off then in your aldi A1, i got some rockets i need to chat up in their corsas,” he pulled his handbreak down.

“right, well, have fun in your debender,” you widened your eyes, hitting the indicator and speeding off around him before he could even finish turning his wheel all the way. you got to see how he laughed into himself over the interaction, as you remembered seeing him laugh through your rear view mirrors.

and that was when the debender joke was born.

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“some girl from uni commented happy birthday legend with the little hand heart emoji and she screenshotted it, sent it to me, and just said, ‘legend, yeah?’”

“—OOOF.”

“—that’s rough.”

“that was it. i had to just let it simmer for the rest of the day. didn’t talk to me all day and when i pointed it out she’s all nonchalant like no obviously not i just been busy and i’m just like rightttt ok,” he rolled his eyes at the memory, but a smirk tugging on his lips.

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“i used to be so scared of getting a girl and meeting her parents over dinner type thing ‘cause i’m such a picky eater, like my diet is a joke, but then she told me that she’s not the most adventurous eater either and basically orders chicken everywhere she goes, so’s like a match made in heaven. and she hates red sauce. soulmates.”

“you’re kidding.”

“swear. although she does love bbq which is just as bad, i can’t have that. need her to bleach her mouth before she even thinks about coming near me. moving like that.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“nah, even with my girlfriend, before she was my girlfriend, we didn’t go to our school formal together but we basically did but when i asked, it was so awkward, i was like ‘you going to formal?’ ‘yeah’ ‘you going with anyone?’ ‘no’ ‘oh nice, nice, yeah me neither’ . . . that was it.”

“fuck sake bro.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“nah she makes me laugh though. we were out the other day and this girl smiled at me when i held open the door for her — just a normal smile, like, polite human — and she was like, ‘do?? do you wanna go back and hold it open a bit longer??? orrrr??’ like the dramatics do make me laugh sometimes.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“so i’ve just ran into the shop, going to make a quick stop and see trouble . . . see peng ting . . see sneaky link,” he buckled his seat belt and turned on his car, the passenger seat occupied with his recent purchases. “she’s had a pretty shitty few days, really stressed out with work and uni ‘n shit, and i’ma good boyfriend, so i’ve bought her some—some bits, what we got here? chocolate . . crisps . . her favourite drink . . an ice coffee and flowers, just to hopefully pick her up a bit. it’s not much but it’s the thought that counts guys, alright? she’ll be grateful. my shayla . . my shayla!” he swung out onto the road.

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“nah, boys, my girl just text me, i haven’t replied to her in an hour, she said what position you got her in?”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“chat’s blowing up. when’s your birthday? august. what are you doing for valentines? my bird. what do you get a girl for valentines? honestly, they’re happy with the little things my guy. get the flowers. get the chocolates. book the hotel room,” he clicked and pushed buttons on his controller from his set-up in the spare room. “my girl’s thing has always been jewellery, she loves all things jewellery - it doesn’t even need to be expensive, as long as you know what she likes,” he continued, transfixed on the screen. “even in my warehouse job, i always made sure to save a little extra for those important dates for a bit of jewellery ‘cause that’s when you do splurge a little. i got her a bracelet and she never takes it off. actually, i got her two bracelets she never takes off. one little diamond piece and one you can buy different charms? that’s a shout. then you can just buy charms for different occasions. little memories. like . . i got her big ben for when we went to london for the first time even before youtube . . or a suitcase when we went on our first holiday. she’s got the letters AB for me. she’s got a dog for her dog. what else did i get her? the charm bracelet’s the best shout i reckon. they’ll love that shit.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“yeah nah, she’s mad jealous. a girl in the shop could look at me for too long and i can feel her soul leave her body. but i rate it, it’s like . . kind of a primal thing, innit? sexy. i mean i’d rather that than someone who doesn’t care, like i’d be annoyed if she was like ‘yeah, have him.’”

“you like that little bit of friction.”

“yeah, s’like behave. but if you don’t, that’s fine too.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“we left the pub one night and she wouldn’t speak to me, like proper angry, seething vibes — arms folded, walking ahead. i didn’t know if she was gonna cry or kill me. we were passing the chippy ‘n i was starving, i had to order something, she was even more annoyed ‘cause she had to wait on me - ‘cause it was so late and she couldn’t walk home on her own. i actually felt bad even though she wanted to kill me. we were both waiting ‘n i was like ‘. . . do you want chips or do you want a fight?’ like stuffing my face, it was probably so jarring.”

“it’s so unintentionally funny like i know if we were there’d we’d be making the situation worse ‘cause we’d be laughing!”

“literally! i got the fight for anyone wondering by the way,” he deadpanned.

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“do you get weird when girls hit on you?”

“i feel like i’m awkward around people in general, but it depends on the girls ‘cause some can genuinely just be nice and others are straight up like — ‘so are you single or not’ and i have to be like ‘nahhh, i’m pretty locked in.’ just flip them the lock screen.”

“the lock screens always a shout. you don’t even need to say anything, just hit the button.”

“yeah, exactly. i had some girl say i had nice eyes and i was like ‘cheers,’ and even at that i feel disgusting. i’m like i hope she weren’t thinking – like was else do i say to that? thanks, i have a girlfriend, then i just sound like a massive knob when they might just be genuinely paying me a compliment for the sake of it? i freak out over stuff like that, s’just like . . don’t compliment me . . please. respectfully.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“your mrs ever laugh really loud at another bloke’s joke and then you’ve to spend the next hour being funnier to re-establish the dominance?”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“oh my god, but d’you get when it’s not even your fault?! i was coming out of the petrol station one time, we’d just left the gym and this girl calls out ‘oi sexy!’ i just put my head down, got in the car — girl’s sat there, jaw hanging open as if i was the one who called her sexy! she just goes ‘take me home’ i’m like FUCK SAKES! DIDN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING!”

“but she expects you to go punch her in the throat.”

“literally! she’s like ‘you were suppose to ride me in front of her’ i’m like,” he pulled his most bizarre face.

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“yeah, bro, when you text them first before you text the boys chat, it’s over.”

“oh it’s so over,” the boys at pitchside agreed.

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“the way you talk about your girl — people think she’s got you on a leash,” bach said from his host seat. “which is fine, i know from experience,” he quickly held a hand up with comedic laugh.

alfie laughed, “yeah, nah, i do make her sound like a bit of a psycho. she’s not though. she’s just got a low tolerance for nonsense — especially if it involves other girls. which, fair enough. i’d be the same. i don’t exactly help the image either, the way i wind her up. but honestly? i rate it. i like knowing someone’s that bothered about me.”

“you’ve been with her since, what, you said 18?” arthur tv guessed.

“yeah, ‘n people always say like i’ve been locked in too young and i should be out getting with all different girls, enjoying single life with no responsibilities and all that, but like . . i don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. i am enjoying life and my relationship’s easy like i’m not miserable. if i was miserable, i wouldn’t be in it, you know? it’s jarring sometimes.”

“i like that you’re deeping it.”

“no it’s true through, people act like when you’re with someone young you’re making a sacrifice, like you’ve given something up but it’s the opposite. like, she’s literally my best mate. i know people hate hearing that but your girl should be your mate as well. we’ve got our own vibe, our own jokes, we rinse each other all the time, we’re never serious — i get to live life with one of my favourite people - it’s like when you’re with your boys and you’re like, ‘ah, imagine living together, that would be sick,’ – that’s how i feel with her like i want that, i would enjoy that. i don’t dread the thought of that.”

“so you’re not trying to be out here playing the field?” arthur smiled.

“jesus, no. trust me, no part of me wants that. i’ve got the girl, the banter, the comfort — everything. i don’t need saving, none of that free AB shit. i’m not stuck. i’m—i’m sorted.”

“he said sorted. oo, he’s in love, guys.” bach teased.

“exactly. i’m not whipped - maybe a bit - but i’m happy. big difference.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“ass or tits? boyssss, come on, it’s all in the personality,” he said from his computer chair, leaning back as he let out a sigh at their ridiculous questions. “. . . but have you seen the rack on my girl?”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“so last time i vlogged, i just put a wash on and text my mum if she was in so i can go get the dogs and bring them on a walk so at least i’m doing something in this vlog,” he spoke from his bed, not knowing what else he could do to spice up the grotto vlog. “i should probably pay a visit to my mrs, i feel like i’ve abandoned her the last couple days just ‘cause i been so busy. she’s been busy too but still, i should probably call in and see her,” he paused.

“i know, she knows that i’m not fond of askin’,” he sang next on his way to yours.

“hey,” the next clip was when the camera lens pulled out directly from your forhead as your boyfriend stood directly above you, “say something for the viewers at home, girl,” he put the roadman voice on.

you looked at the lens and then smacked your hand over it, doing (what you remembered) the most diabolical filthiest gesture that alfie flipped his camera to show his jaw almost on the floor with a heavy laugh in his chest. “DO THAT AGAIN. RIGHT NOW! GO! SHOW THE CAMERA!—”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“yeah like AB. AB and his girl.”

“i’ve actually met his girl and she’s very dead on. she’s not what he makes her out to be on cam,” joe weller told his co-hosts. “quite witty. i remember when we went to LA, we were going out one night and one of the clubs was a stripclub and he was on facetime, telling her what he was up to, and i, for some reason, brought up the stripclub and i was like ‘oh shit!’ like felt so bad - i didn’t want him thinking i was throwing him under the bus or trying to start something! - but she was just laughing ‘n was like ‘oh yeah no worries at all babe! what better things would you be doing! you go watch star and sapphire shake their arse while i do your dirty washing and clean out your wardrobe, it’s no problem! have fun! i’ll be right here when you get back!’ but like genuinely joking, it was so funny. i thought she would’ve freaked ‘cause you know, he makes her out to sound a bit mental but he turned to me and was like ‘nah, like, she mightn’t like it but she trusts me, that’s the big difference. and she knows me, she knows i’m probably gonna be mad awkward the whole time’ and to be fair . . . he was. boy’s head was in his phone or stuck to the bar, he didn’t know what to do. he really loves her, he told me a lot of their lore.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“yeah, mine neither. she’s surprisingly not that bothered by people before her - not that i had proper relationships before - but girls i’ve talked to like - she doesn’t care, but neither one of us want to talk about it anyway. i don’t fucking want to bring them up. she brings them up for a laugh when we have an argument ‘cause she knows i be mortified,” he laughed as the boys began to laugh at his confession, his face reddening. “so embarrassing.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“aw, no yeah — monaco vlog? dog house.”

“HOW?!”

“you tell me.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

chip was laughing, nursing a beer in one hand, the mic in the other, “bro, i don’t know how you do it. your girl’s intense, she’s like . . on you, all the time. proper psycho attachments. she puts me on edge.”

alfie stopped mid-laugh, still smiling, but his eyes locking in on the older boy. “alright, relax,” he shot him a look, “she’s not a psycho. she just gives a shit ‘bout what i’m up to and doesn’t know you lot well enough to know if you’ll look after me properly,” he said. “just ‘cause sabina doesn’t give a shit about what you get up to.”

freezy was laughing, cracking up at himself, “sabina sends him off to thailand hoping he doesn’t come back!”

“i rate my little psychopath, you lot don’t know how psycho i can be too,” he smirked to himself, bouncing his feet kicked up on the coffee table.

“she just acts likes she forgets who was here first, y’know . . . ” chip continued, letting out a deep sigh as if exhausted by your games.

“bro, you met me a year ago,” alfie, whether purposefully or accidentally, killed the joke he was trying to run. to your delight.

“nah bro, come on, unc was there when you were born. i know my neph like that.”

alfie just screwed his face at the camera like he didn’t know what the fuck he was on about.

you smirked, mentally pumping your fist.

chip 0 - 1 you

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“i remember in school - oh my god, this is actually so embarrassing, i actually have never told her this,” he covered his mouth as he cringed at himself, “i remember overhearing her talking to her friends about guys who wear chains and talking about haircuts and how they dress, and back then i was obviously so chopped, snapchat mems haunt me, had shortest fucking back and sides ever, flat top, rocking the silver chain — after hearing that, i grew my hair out, let the length grow—” already the boys were laughing and so was alfie, realising how pathetic he was when he wasn’t even sure if he liked you as a person, yet took your word for gospel.

he remembered taking in your words - not that there was nastiness behind them - it was just a genuine opinion, no talking bad about people (maybe jays trim inspired the conversation starter) but you weren’t being bitchy about it (unlike few of your friends). you simply voiced how guys needed to understand girls liked length on hair, how they didn’t find chains cool and needed to stop with the roadman tracksuits.

“got a clean fade, stopped using shampoo and the texture of my hair went how it is now,” he ran his fingers through it subconsciously, “got rid of the chain - huzz were flocking me after that.”

“NAHHHHHHH—”

it was weird, because he remembered the following year, it was like you were ahead of the trend and guys did start to change their look how you said you wished they would.

for that, he joked about your witchy ways, taking your opinion on manifestation seriously. to you, you simply told him this is why he needed to believe you were never wrong.

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“you lot overrate me, big time. if i broke up with my girl, she’d be the one playing the field. you think i can pull anyone i want? it’d be me to break up with her, ready to sleep around and get none, meanwhile she’d be doing numbers. she’d be racking up the numbers EASY. she’d have guys lined up left, right and centre. she’s had blue ticks in her DMs. it’d be light work for her.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“do you try to keep your relationship off cam?”

“i don’t want her on cam all the time, i do want to keep things private but it’s her decision like, her tiktok’s public, her other socials aren’t. she doesn’t like to be on cam most of the time. if she happens to be in the car when i’m vlogging, i don’t mind if she wants to be in or out of it, or if she wants to say her piece with just her voice or if she does want to show her full self, it’s up to her. but i do try to keep it on the down low, i like keeping her to myself.”

“i like that, man.”

“like the other day, i was dropping her into town for drinks, she was all done up, hair, makeup, sexy little dress ting on. i was vlogging and was like ‘. . d’you want in it or no?’ ‘n she was like ‘fuck yeah, i’m gorgeous today’ so,” he shrugged, smirking, “viewers got blessed that day.”

“some of the girls want her in a vid.”

“bro, she can do what she wants. i don’t think she’d mind doing a feature every now and then but she likes the privacy too. although she has said to me stop talking shit or she’s coming on the pod to out me.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“nah, me and my girl, we got a nightly routine at this point. nearly every night we do rock, paper, scissors for who has to make a nutella toastie.”

“a nutella toastie?!”

“a nutella toastie. oh my god, greatest invention ever. i mean it’s just toast so like . . nothing special but oh my god. we’ll be lying in bed and one of us will go ‘aw . . d’you know what would be so nice right now? nutella toastie.’ ‘awww, go make us some’ ‘no you go’ ‘no you. you make them better’ ‘no you’ ‘no you’ ‘rock paper scissors’ but then we usually just end up joining each other in the kitchen. it’s like midnight. both just standing in pjs, cooking up a storm.”

“bro that’s actually really cute.”

“i need to try that.”

“you should,” alf agreed, “she put me on them. s’great”

he didn’t mention how sentimental he got on the nights you didn’t stay over and he’d be laying in bed and the thought of a nutella toastie would pop in his mind, and that’s when you usually got a text message in the middle of the night:

missing my lil nutella toastie rn

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“she’s actually not that bad. like i’ve ran into fans before and she offers to take the photo and is like ‘oh my god alfie, put your arm around her!’ like she’s not fucking lethal like.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“would you ever get any tattoos?”

“no. i mean . . i’ve talked about getting a deer as a red dead redemption reference but i don’t think i’d actually ever do it. i just got this on a drunk night out in mallorca.” he held up his wrist to the camera. “was crashing out, spiralling badly ‘n went and got it.”

his boys laughed at him, “what is it?”

“you can barely see it, it’s quite faded. it’s just a tiny letter and little heart beside it. my girl’s initial.”

“eeeeshhh, nah bro.”

“no way.”

“fuck off”

“i know, i know,” he faked embarrassment and dread as he put his hand to his head. “nah i actually don’t care though, like this was the argument she had with me on facetime at the time, ‘cause i was on facetime to her telling her i was gonna get one, she was like ‘no alfie, don’t be so stupid’ was going on about obviously if we broke up and i met someone else and i was fuminggg, i was like i don’t care! if i marry another bird, they’ll have to deal with it ‘cause i’ll love you more than her! i’ll look at her walking down the isle and kiss it — really crashing out, really ready to prove a point, ‘n yeah, woke up with this bad boy,” he slapped the side of his wrist. “could be worse, could have got like, a fuckin’ . . dolphin on my tits or something, there’s definitely worse tattoos. i know a mate of a mate got his mum’s phone number tatted on him.”

“FUCK OFF.”

“swear down.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“aw mate my girl buys thee tiniest handbags so when we go out my pockets are basically jammed to the brim with all her shit. fucks me off so bad, the look i give her when she asks me for her lip liner shit every 10 minutes - i actually did fuck it into a lake one time ‘cause it was literally every 10 minutes she was asking for it. she was like ‘you’re lucky that was 20p from primark because if it was one of my expensive ones, you’d well be in that ocean with your snorkel and goggles on’ and i-i fully well would have been.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“bro. first time i saw you two together — swear down - i need to say this—” danny sat up properly in his chair as he got giddy. “it actually stuck with me. it was in that club, lights going crazy, flickering like mad — you know that big london one, sidemen always throw their parties in? i think that’s what it was actually, that time.”

“yeah, i know the one.”

“the one everything’s dark except them long flashes hitting every few seconds. you were in the all black fit, just sat back, man spreading the whole couch, on your own, corona in hand, rolex catching the light, you looked cleannn bro. y/n was just in front of you on the smaller stools, but like, half turned away talking to someone beside her. her arm was resting on your leg, she was still close. and the way you were just watching her was like . . bro was scary! was intense! like the vibes, man, the aura. it was sick. like, proper cinematic,” he shared excitedly.

“you didn’t have to do anything — like anyone who saw knew like they’re together. d’you know what i mean? like, i swear, it gave me goosebumps. you were so cool. it stuck with me. i was like i wish people saw me and ten like that. we just look like two dweebs. people see us and think, ‘oh bless them, they’re trying.”

tennese laughed in the background, agreeing with him wholeheartedly.

“nah, i was like ten we have to do something about this. went home and ordered youngLA after that,” danny continued, rubbing his eye.

“DID YOU!” alfie laughed.

“yeah, man. and tennese ordered the dress y/n had on. we’re so lame. you guys are so sick, you’ve no idea.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“we were at the pub and some girl asked to borrow my lighter and i gave it to her —not even a convo— and my girl just raised her brows. like i–if you saw me i was like a deer in headlights, i was like fuck, was that a test and i failed?”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“jay-z ‘n beyoncé, 03’ bonnie and clyde. that’s our song. we played that really early on in our — i think we actually went a late night drive playing it before we were even boyfriend and girlfriend.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“what’s the chat saying? . . . are you a lover boy?” he sat back in his gaming chair, clicking the mouse with his headset on. “i’ll be honest boys . . you lot will rinse me for this, but i was out the other night in the club, out in london, and i got a whiff of her perfume on another bird, and i–i literally had to go home. i just left and got the train home to her. three hours. was supposed to stay at chip’s place. just came home. stayed over at her place,” he shrugged. “what about it?”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“i love seeing the free AB shit, it makes me laugh. ‘bro, blink twice if you’re in danger’” chip laughed at the comment, “‘she’s probably tracking your location right now’!”

“she’s got him chipped, my man’s not been seen out past 10pm in three years,” cal chuckled.

alfie smirked, ignoring the two laughing next to him as well. “they need to chiillll. i know it’s my fault, i’ve made her out to sound like my own airtag but she’s really not. no one’s got me on a leash. i’m here ‘cause i wanna be.”

“do you ever think like . . maybe you did lock in too early? you haven’t really had that single lad freedom.”

even through video, you could see the point when alfie got his back up a little. “see, that’s what people always say, like i’m missing out and i have no freedom but i don’t feel like that at all. i’ve never once looked at the so-called ‘single life’ and thought, yeah, i want that. nah. you lot go on your little nights out trying to impress girls you don’t even like. i go home to someone who gets me, who rinses me for my dodgy haircut, knows when i’m in a mood without me saying a word, and still fancies the shit out of me when i cringe myself out.”

“damn, you’re getting deep bro.”

“its not deep, it’s just the truth. people act like i’m trapped in a relationship against my own will but it’s not that. she’s my best mate and yeah — she’s intense sometimes. so am i. it works.”

“i can’t imagine you being intense. like doesn’t she get crazy jealous when girls chat to you? ‘n when they look at you too long?”

“yeah, she does. and? that’s not a flaw, to me that’s someone who cares. i’d rather have someone who feels that protective and loving towards me than someone who gives up and lets me do whatever. it’s not a control thing. she loves hard and so do i. we’re solid bro.”

“so you’re saying you don’t need rescuing?”

“bro, i’m not in a burning building. i’m in a warm fucking house, eating toast with the love of my life. i’m good,” he laughed.

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“do your mates not rinse you for you and your girl?”

“no bro, never. they—they love her, they really rate her. she takes care of the whole group. they’d back her before me. i write shit into the chat and they’re like ‘perfectly valid, i’d behave the same.’ one time i wrote in ‘going shopping with the mrs to get sorted for the lads holiday. anyone need anything?’ and none of them have girlfriends anymore ‘n three of them write back: ‘aw can we come? will y/n choose sort us out?’ four of us just trailing about town, y/n’s sorting us one by one with holiday fits, telling them she’s gonna wax their unibrows, making sure we don’t look a tit.”

“HA! i love that!”

“yeah, they rate her. like they’d tell her if i was doing something wrong or to come get me ‘n stuff. sisterly shit.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“you can tell you both don’t play about with each other.”

▶︎‖ ─•──── 10:55

“aww, fuck guys, i forgot to end the vlog. this is me just editing. hope you enjoyed. peace n guidance. see you in the next one.” he held up the peace sign as he signed off, laying on the bed with his laptop in front of him and your arm wrapped around his neck, your pointy acrylics massaging his scalp and playing with his hair, just how he liked every day to end.

The YoungLA event is loud in that specific influencer way – music thumping just low enough to talk over, drinks everywhere, people dressed like they definitely planned their outfit a week in advance. Alfie’s got his arm loosely around your waist, thumb drawing lazy circles like he does when he’s overstimulated and pretending he’s not.

You’re half-listening to someone talk about protein shakes when you feel him tense slightly beside you.

You don’t even have to look.

You just now. 

And then you hear her. 

“Hi,” she says, leaning in far too close to Alfie, hand brushing his arm like it’s an accident. “You’re AB, right?”

He blinks, a little slow, already uncomfortable. “Uh- yeah?”

You tilt your head, eyes flicking to her hand. 

It stays there. 

You straighten immediately. 

“Hello?” you say, sweet voice sharp around the edges. 

Both of them look at you. 

The girl smiles at you like you’re an inconvenience. “Sorry, I was just-” 

“He’s taken,” you say calmly. No raised voice. No drama. Just a fact. 

You slid your arm properly around Alfie’s waist now, possessive without trying. 

Alfie, bless him, does absolutely nothing to stop you. 

In fact, he leans into you. 

“Yeah”, he adds helpfully, nodding. “This is my girlfriend.”

The girl’s fake smile falters. “Oh. I didn’t know.”

You glance down at Alfie’s hand on your waist, then back at her. “That’s interesting, because he’s been standing with me the entire time”

Alfie lets out a small, badly contained laugh and immediately hides it by pretending to cough into his fist. 

The girl’s jaw tightens. She looks Alfie up and down once more, clearly annoyed that he hasn’t said anything else/ 

“Well,” she says, tone sharp now, “you didn’t have to be rude.”

You smile, polite and deadly. “I wasn’t. I was being clear.”

She rolls her eyes, mutters something under her breath, and storms off toward the bar and a group of girls, shoulders stiff. 

The second she’s gone, Alfie turns to you, eyes wide and impressed. 

“That was sick,” he says, grinning. “You’re crazy.”

You raise an eyebrow. “You looked like you were about to combust.”

“I was,” he admits. “Thanks for saving me. I didn’t know what to say.”

You poke his chest. “You could’ve said no.” 

“Yeah, but you’re better at it,” he says, hands finding your hips again. “I like it when you do that thing.”

“What thing?” 

“Where you go all calm and scary,” he says fondly. “Possessive behaviour.”

You snort, “You’re such an idiot.”

He leans down and presses a kiss to your temple, soft and public and intentional. “Your idiot. And you’re my scary girlfriend.” 

You tuck yourself back into his side, satisfied. 

Across the room, the girl glances back once from her group of friends, sees Alfie still glued to you, kissing you, and she huffs again and turns round. 

trailertrash!ab who treats you like shit but you love him nonetheless.

trailertrash!ab who calls you a ‘bitch’ and a ‘tart’ as a term of endearment.

trailertrash!ab who’s actually a big softie when he wants to be. 

trailertrash!ab who’s the biggest cuddler in bed when you both don’t want to have sex. 

trailertrash!ab who appreciates a good kiss rather than a quick shag.

trailertrash!ab who forgets your birthday but in a way to try and ‘redeem’ himself buys you a half price cake that’s going out of date as a way to show his affection.

trailertrash!ab who asks you to marry him after only a couple of months of dating because you’re the only person who’s stayed with him for that long.

trailertrash!ab who’s a stoner and a slob (in the nicest way possible), and does fuck all to help you around the trailer.

trailertrash!ab who leaves you with a newborn baby and two toddlers for hours on end because in all honesty he doesn’t want to look after them.

trailertrash!ab who constantly breaks up with you but always comes running back because you’re the only one who actually loves him.

trailertrash!ab who loses his shit when his children disrespect you in any way shape or form.

trailertrash!ab who’s the freeuse king. loves when you wear short skirts around the trailer so he can fuck you over any surface.

trailertrash!ab who’s the messiest munch to ever exist. he’s always spitting on your cunt and letting it drool and drip all down you.

trailertrash!ab who’s a chronic grunter during sex, and incredibly loud.

trailertrash!ab who accidentally breaks the bed during sex with you because he was getting too into it.

trailertrash!ab who loves when you wear his oversized, grubby t-shirts around the trailer after having sex with him.

trailertrash!ab who makes you share a shower with him under the guise of ’saving water’, but really does it so you can have sex in the shower together.

trailertrash!ab who never wears a condom (because he says it’s just another expense) and has the biggest breeding kink even though they can’t afford another kid.

“on your knees,” you commanded, clicking a finger, pointing in between your thighs. when he hesitated, you raised your voice a little, your tone sterner, “now, alfie.”

he followed your command almost instantly. sliding down onto his knees in front of you, the metal dog tag on his collar that read ‘alfie’ reflecting in the light.

you held a leash in your hand, your grip tight to the extent that your knuckles were nearly white. you unlocked the clip, before sliding it into the small hoop attached to his collar, before smiling to yourself as you wrapped the handle around your hand, keeping the length of the leash as short as possible.

“that’s better,” you hummed contently, smiling ever so sickly sweet at alfie, “so much better.”

you then leaned into his ear, before speaking again. “now you can’t misbehave,” you spoke more hushed, your hot breath fanning onto the shell of alfie’s ear, causing a hot shiver of excitement to rush down his spine.

alfie couldn’t help but feel himself getting hard. he gulped harshly, before squeezing his thighs together to try and conceal it away.

his breath was now a little ragged, coming out in soft-ish pants, whilst hot blood surged through his body ever so rapidly as his cheeks started to warm to a pinkish colour.

noticing his discomfort, you soon wanted to find out the problem. you dragged your shoe to the inside of alfie’s thighs, pressing lightly on the dent in his pants. he swallowed, cheeks burning with shameful embarrassment.

when you revealed his clothed erection straining in his trousers, you could only tut in disapproval, shaking your head briefly before looking down at him like he was merely dirt on your boot.

“pathetic,” you whispered, the syllables raw and harsh yet so intoxicating to alfie’s ears as you looked down on him with such disgust, “absolutely pathetic.”

fire burnt in alfie’s belly as he caught a glance of that look. a surge of want as his stomach fluttered stupidly, all of his blood still rushing excitedly downwards.

it took him a moment to think of what to respond with. “sorry,” he then muttered bashfully underneath his breath, not even able to make eye contact with you in the moment.

“what was that, alf?” you asked, before tugging on the leash wrapped around your hand snugly. alfie made a little noise of discomfort before you grabbed his chin, forcing him to look up at you with those wide eyes.

“look at me, alfie,” you spoke lowly, your newly manicured nails digging into his jawbone a little, “bad dogs don’t get to not make eye contact or mumble,” you commanded, your eyes dark as his breath caught in his throat.

his throat felt dry as he tried to speak. it was if words had betrayed him, leaving his brain foggy and unable to comprehend and formulate words, god forbid a sentence.

“well?” you spoke more urgently, your voice level a little higher as your hot breath fanned onto his face.

“i said i was sorry,” he repeated again, a little louder than before but still a murmur in some sense, cheeks now flushed as he felt his ears prick hot.

“an ‘i’m sorry’ is going to cut it right now,” you spoke almost condescendingly, your voice tinged with poison. “but you will be when i’m done with you,” you added, a wicked smile forming on your lips as you did so.

alfie felt defenceless. he felt weak as he stayed sheepishly perched between your thighs on his knees. his limbs felt heavy yet they were weak, his brain fuzzy as his heart beat faster with excitement.

you brushed your thumb tenderly across his lips, your eyes looking down at his face adoringly. your wide pupils swallowed his facial features alive as you kept that wicked smirk plastered on your face.

your thumb hovered over his lips, the pad pressing against the plush flesh. you looked down at him with half-lidded eyes, a smug grin now forming on your lips before you spoke.

“suck.” the command was simple, and alfie knew not to disobey.

his lips wrapped around your thumb almost instantly, his cheeks hollowing as he swirled his tongue around the thumb pad, causing a small groan to escape from his chest, muffled by your digit in his mouth.

he continued to suck your thumb, his head now bobbing against it as if he was taking your strap instead. you smiled smugly, before murmuring, “such a disgusting mutt,” as he continued to coat your thumb in his saliva.

by this time, alfie was becoming increasingly hard to the point that it was painful. he squeezed his thighs together, trying to alleviate some of the discomfort once again.

you then removed your thumb from the inside of his mouth, before smearing the saliva around his face messily promptly after before addressing the bigger problem.

“is someone a bit uncomfortable there still?” you asked as alfie shifted uncomfortably, his dick now practically throbbing in his boxers and a wet patch visually forming at his crotch from where he’d leaked through.

alfie whimpered, nodding. “yes,” he croaked. “im sorry but i need you so bad, girl. please,” he pleaded, eyes wide and ever so desperate, it was enough to make you blush.

“you’re such a needy thing,” you muttered disapprovingly as you pondered with your options. “naughty mutts like you shouldn’t beg, you know?” you spoke coolly, your voice ringing through alfie’s ears.

“i know— i know, but fuck, i need this, babe. need you,” he practically whined pathetically, each word strained, as his plush lips formed a pout whilst his eyebrows furrowed.

with an exasperated sigh, you ran a hand over your tired face. you hated that you were able to cave in when alfie did this.

“hump it,” you spoke darkly, thrusting the shoe closer to his straining member in his jeans, causing him to groan at the sudden pressure on his crotch. “it’s all you deserve,” you added with a bitter hiss through your teeth.

alfie was stunned. his cheeks burnt even more than before as his stomach twisted into tight knots of excitement. “are you…—“

“i said hump it.” you spoke again, louder and more clearer, yet it held a dark tone to it, “consider yourself lucky that i’m even letting you get off.”

alfie then nodded. “right. right, okay,” he muttered with a shaky breath. you let go of your grip slightly on the leash still wrapped around your knuckles, allowing him to adjust himself against your shoe.

his large hands came to grip your thigh, grounding him to the leather of the shoe. gulping sheepishly, alfie then rolled his hips timidly against the shoe, letting out a little noise in response to the new-found feeling.

as he soon found a steady rhythm, he started to hit the right spot that made his cock throb in the confines of the tight denim, causing a few short gasps to escape his lips.

as alfie began to rut against you, you let your upper body relax on the sofa with a satisfied, content smile.

you let your back rest against the back of the couch, melting into the pillows as the sounds of alfie’s gasps and shaky, almost nearly breathless moans already echo around the room, making a nice ambiance to the grotto.

“there we go,” you praised as alfie began to rut a little faster, his release building up like a growing wave. “such a needy thing,” you added in another condescending tone, as you petted his head as you would a dog.

you let your other hand that held his leash go limp by his side. whenever he stopped humping your shoe, you’d give him a little tug, warning him that he shouldn’t stop.

to which alfie always whined in response, biting his lip hard to suppress the moans and short gasps escaping his lips like no tomorrow.

after a while he became lost in the pleasure as his whole body was on fire, his heart now pumping blood ecstatically around his veins, which made you smile wickedly at him from above.

his fingernails dug deeper into your clothed thigh as he became closer and closer to this peak, trying to ground himself in whatever way he could.

his whole body started to shake from the overwhelming pleasure he was feeling. sweat now collected on his forehead as his lower stomach felt tight, as if it was begging for a release.

“keep humping my shoe like a bitch in heat, alf,” you coaxed him on with a devilish glint in your eye as he made eye contact with you briefly, his pupils blown wide and his cheeks fully dark crimson at this time.

“show me how desperate you are,” you added, tugging on his leash cruelly without warning, to which you were met with whine from the man in protest.

alfie’s hips jerked forwards, stuttering as he let his moans and groans out freely. at this point, he was breathless, panting and unable to catch his breath fully.

“fuck,” he cursed underneath his breath as he felt himself reach his peak. biting his now already bruised lip, he whined again for nearly the final time as his climax washed over him like a wave.

his body shuddered uncontrollably, hot shivers rushing down his spine almost instantly. his penis throbbed in his boxers, spilling hot cum into them, causing an even bigger wet patch to form on the fabric which ultimately leaked through to his jeans.

“good boy, alfie. that’s it,” you praised through his climax as alfie whimpered in response, his wide eyes fixated to your smug look as you looked down at him.

you soon shifted your leg from where he was perched on it, moving it so he was placed in between your legs again. his breaths were heavy yet soft as he looked up at you with full admiration, dilated and dazed.

you raised your hand to his cheek, feeling the heat of it against your palm as you cradled the side of his face, as you let the leash drop so it was dangling from his collar and down his stomach.