#a:kurt

Rachel took a breath as she went back into the bathroom to grab the stick that had been sitting there lonely for what felt like years. It had only been a few minutes and she wishes that this wasn't what she was doing with her two best friends but she grabs for it and through blurry eyes looks down at it. There's two lines and she blinks back tears to grab for the box one last time just to be sure. Two meant positive. Two meant pregnant. "You guys." She exits the bathroom though she thinks maybe she should be staying there because she's never felt the need to throw up more than she did in the moment. "It's...It's positive."

Blaine sat, wringing his hands, on the edge of Kurt's bed. He was sweating, and felt a little like he was going to hurl. He imagined that Rachel felt the same way, maybe actually worse than him. If she was pregnant, he was going to be a dad. He had always wanted to be a dad, but not at seventeen. Or with a girl- not that Rachel was a bad choice. She just wasn't a guy. He looked up at she called for he and Kurt and came back into the room. His heart was slamming in his chest and he stood up anxiously. He stared at her as she said the word 'positive.' His mouth fell open a little, but  it seemed like his body had forgotten how to breathe. "Oh my god," he whispered.

"Oh god we're having a baby." That was all that registered in Kurt's brain as he squeezed Blaine's hand, feeling a whole lot like he was going to throw up. This weekend was supposed to be something easy, fun, relaxing. Hanging out with Blaine and Sebastian, dates, checking on Rachel if she didn't contact him. Dinner with his dad at some point. Nothing he expected included a /baby/. A baby from a night he only had scattered fever dream memories of. "We're going to have a /baby/."

Kurt saying it makes it feel that much more real and she bites at her lip. What is she supposed to say? He's right, they are having a baby and that is just the reality. "I'm really sorry you guys." She doesn't know what else to say, though Blaine had already made it clear before they got to Kurt's place, that it takes two to tango and he is right, but she can't help but feel that she'd asked for this. Not that she'd asked for a baby but she'd brought the wine and she'd gotten turned on and she'd wanted him when she knows he's gay. "What...what are we supposed to do now?"

Blaine heard Kurt say something and watery eyes looked over at him, then back to Rachel. He was going to be the father of a baby. A living, breathing baby. His head  felt cloudy and he heard Rachel apologize and wanted to try and comfort her; he shook his head. She wasn't at fault. He was at least 75% at fault. His heart was in overdrive. What was Sebastian going to say? Did Kurt even want a part of this? It was so overwhelming... He felt like he was drowning and he closed his eyes, his grip  on Kurt's hand going loose as he passed out, straight down onto the floor.

"We're supposed to... go see a doctor. Make sure you and the baby are okay. We're supposed to -" Kurt was going to say 'breathe' but then Blaine was toppling down beside him and the panic set in. A baby was something to deal with but it wasn't /right here right now/ the way that a crumpled boyfriend was, and he dropped down to scoop Blaine up into his arms, trying to check him over the best he can. "I think he fainted." And then the only word he could think of the emphasize how crazy this whole situation was, one he rarely used. "Fuck."

Kurt’s words don’t register completely and she isn’t given a chance to let them because Blaine’s on the floor and she feels her face grow hot. “Water. If we sprinkle water on his face or...” And she hates herself for this but Rachel easily gets on the floor beside him and slaps his cheek gently. “Do we need a Doctor?”

Blaine hit the floor and woke back up when Rachel's hand hit his face. He blinked up at her and immediately sat up. "You need a doctor... Rachel, we're gonna do everything right, okay? I promise." He glanced around, noticing the sudden change in seating. "Why are we on the floor?" he asked.

"We shouldn't need a doctor for anyone but you..." Kurt was starting to get worried, but then Blaine woke up and he was breathing a heavy sigh of relief, squeezing Rachel's hand when he realized it. "You fainted, Blaine. You fainted and hit your head. You're right though, we'll do everything right. Doctors, making sure you're taken care of, all of it."

Blaine was nervous. He had been since immediately after sleeping with Sebastian. He had cheated on the love of his life- on someone he wanted to marry and have kids with and grow old with. He felt sick. He felt sick not because he had slept with someone else.  No. He felt sick because of the way he felt about the person he cheated with. Blaine had feelings for Sebastian. And those feelings were a thousand times stronger now that they had slept together than they were before. He felt so guilty for having feelings- for having feelings for two people at once. He needed to tell Kurt that he had slept with someone. It was eating him up inside. He'd waited too long already. It was simple enough to ask to come over, and now he stood on Kurt's doorstep, too nervous to knock.

Kurt was so quick to answer the door, seeing Blaine was his favorite thing on even his worst days, but something about Blaine’s voice when he called... he knew something was wrong. Very wrong. He just didn’t know what. “You can come on in, sit wherever you like, you know what’s mine is yours.” The air already felt off and he couldn’t pin point why and it was what had him rambling at a million miles a minute - it was a flaw that he had managed to greatly diminish over the years but sometimes he just couldn’t quite reign it in. “Do you want a bottle of water or a cup of tea or anything?” Once again, nervous gestures, but Kurt tried not to overthink too hard.

Blaine looked up, doing everything he could to try and hide how guilty and anxious he felt. He smiled when he saw Kurt, and felt immediately guilty again. He perched on the edge of his boyfriend's couch, on the far seat from where Kurt usually sat as he turned down the offer of a beverage with the shake of his head. He tried to wait as long as he could. He didn't want to throw everything away, but he knew lying was worse. "I um. I need to tell you something."

Kurt sat down in his usual spot, watching Blaine carefully. He had had a sinking feeling in his stomach since the party, always feeling sick, and it was getting stronger by the minute. “What do you need to tell me?” His instinct was to curl away, wanting to protect himself, but he tried really hard to resist that instinctive urge to pull away. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe.

Blaine looked at Kurt. He was going to hold himself together and just tell the other what happened. He was going to be strong. He was going to... cry if he didnt spit it out soon. His eyes filled up and he pressed his lips together, taking a shallow breath though his nose. "Kurt... I love you," he swore, his voice starting to give out. "And... and I need to be honest with you." He swallowed and despite his best efforts, the tears started to fall. "I... was with someone."

Kurt’s stomach sank fast. It was exactly what he had hoped he wasn’t right about, and maybe he shouldn’t assume but his heart started beating 60 miles a minute and the urge to throw up and cry at the same time was so strong he had to choke it back. “Was it Sebastian?” It was the only name that came to mind, and the only one he wasn’t sure how to handle of the answer was yes.

Blaine knew that Kurt knew. Sebastian was the very first name that his boyfriend could spit out, and probably the one that hurt the other the most too. He tried to stop the tears and the way his throat knotted up in time with his stomach and how Kurt sounded. Blaine looked up with big sad, sorry eyes and nodded the slightest bit.

Kurt pressed himself further back against the couch and tried desperately to shove whatever this desperately horrific feeling was down. “Why? Was this... was it the first time?” God, he hated feeling weak, but every resigned moment of knowing had led to this and he couldn’t try to pretend he felt anything other than pure unabashed hurt. The kind that crashed in waves and felt all consuming.

Blaine nodded and sort of looked to the side, unsure. Was the sexting cheating? It was a gray area, honestly. "I swear it hasn't been happening for a long time." He paused, making eye contact with his probably soon to be ex-boyfriend, tears falling down his cheeks. "Kurt, I'm so sorry..." he said, his throat getting tight at the end so he couldn't keep going into some elaborate explanation.

Kurt wasn't sure exactly what Blaine meant by that and he wasn't completely sure he wanted to know either. "You slept with him before? You've slept with him before." It was the first place his mind went to and oh god, he wasn't going to be able to hold off being sick for much longer, not when the tears were already starting to come and he could feel the ache turn into something so much more.... real.

Blaine shook his head before Kurt had the second part of his accusation out, and straightened his back. "No! No, I only slept... I was only with him once like that. Just once," he said, trying to reassure him even though he knew that it wasn't going to make a difference. He hated seeing Kurt look so hurt, and because of something that Blaine did to top it off. Part of him wished he could take it back. Part of him didn't want to. "I know you're not going... I don't expect you to forgive me. I just... Kurt, I'm so sorry...." He reached across and tried to take his boyfriend's hand- anything to try and comfort him.

Kurt jerked his hand back automatically, stomach only settling a little when he heard it had only been the one time. “Just once. That definitely makes it better. Sarcasm, since you don’t seem to know me at all anymore. Did you just... forget I existed? Assume I would be okay with you sleeping with someone you thought was hot for the fun of it? What made you think any of this was okay enough to do it in the first place? God, I would rather have had you break up with me beforehand if you were so determined to give in to his seduction. I -  I knew it and I - everyone said that you wouldn’t - I was so dumb.”

Blaine furrowed his eyebrows together, big wet eyes looking cautiously at Kurt as he went off on him. Everything he was saying was right. Kurt wasn't going to understand how he felt. He had been naïve to think even for a second that the other might understand that he had feelings for both of them. His stomach knotted up and he struggled to keep his lungs working as all of the air inside of them suddenly disappeared. "Kurt I- Let me explain," he choked out. Unfortunately, he hesitated, because exactly how was he supposed to tell someone that he loved that he had feelings for someone else too? But he had to get the words out. This couldn't get any worse. "I didn't just think he was hot and sleep with him. Just... talking to him and whatever... I  just... I got feelings... that I can't explain... and... it happened.... and I'm sorry and if you want I'll never talk to him again, okay? I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you, okay?"

"You... have feelings for him. Feelings like you have for me? Please, please tell me you - please tell me you didn't tell him first." Maybe that little detail didn't really matter all that much, but to the parts of Kurt that were breaking constantly right now that was important, to know that while he was trying to wrap his head around what the hell was happening right now that it was just between the two of them, that Sebastian wouldn't be right there gloating more than he must already be. It already made him twice as sick to know that Sebastian knew all the parts of Blaine that Kurt did, it was worse to think that maybe Sebastian knew he had Blaine's heart too. Or something along those lines. "No. Don't - don't promise me things like that. Don't promise anything. Don't - just don't."

Blaine looked at his lap in shame. There was nothing he could do to come back from this. Nothing he could say that would make Kurt stop hurting and forgive him. And he couldn't flat out tell Kurt that he'd told Sebastian how he felt already- technically Sebastian had coaxed it out of him, among other things- because Kurt wasn't going to understand. No one was going to understand. How could they? That wasn't what people did- this wasn't what people did. He quietly tucked his rejected hand under his thigh and tried to contain his breathing before he started to sob.

Kurt's breath caught at Blaine's sobs and for a second he wanted to lash out with a 'you don't have a right to do that', but the more human part of him... the part that loved Blaine with every fiber of his being....  that part of him couldn't watch Blaine sob and not do something. He couldn't bring himself to lean forward and hold Blaine, but he did reach for the hand that had been extended beforehand and untucked it, squeezing slowly as his own tears started streaming. It was like Blaine crying broke the damn, and he didn't know what to say or what to do except sit there and cry and hold Blaine's hand in the process. As much as he wanted to end this right then and there out of hurt, as much as he wanted to scream and yell, he also... didn't want to lose this. He just didn't know how to get there.

Blaine couldn't see through his tears. He wanted to shrink down and sink through the floorboards never to be heard of again. He was a cheater and he would always have that mark on him, because if he and Kurt broke up, everyone would know and want to know why and blame him and desert him and he would be left with no one. Except Sebastian, but Blaine knew that he didn't deserve any semblance of happy after how he'd hurt Kurt. But he was surprised when Kurt pulled his hand out from under his thigh and held it. He was shocked enough to look up and Kurt's sad eyes were looking back at him. He didn't know what to say or if he should move- or maybe he was just mentally broken enough that his brain was coming up with a story to try and make him feel better. His tears kept coming and he squeezed his boyfriend's hand to make sure it was real.

Kurt almost choked over the words, but he needed to say them, holding Blaine's hand tightly as he did. It kept him grounded. More okay than he would be without. if he was honest with himself. "I love you, Blaine. This hurts. So much. This... isn't.... okay. I can't pretend it is. But we'll... if this is.... if this is something that you feel that strongly and that's why then... I can't... just get through it in an instant or even figure out where we go from here that quickly, but maybe we can at least get through it together. Figure it out together. I just... need you to give me the time to...." The words came out strange, but he meant them even if they were hard to say. "Deal with this."

Blaine listened as carefully as he could, making every attempt at finding something salvageable about their relationship. His heart squeezed when he heard Kurt say he still loved him. It was like the clouds broke and the sun finally had a chance to shine down. He tried to say it back right away, but he was almost cut off before he even said anything. Blaine's heart was slamming in his chest. "You can have anything. Any time you need. I love you, Kurt. I love you so much."

Kurt thought for a second before he pulled Blaine forward and into his arms, the initial anger and  revulsion at the sight of him gone even if the rest of the emotions were still firmly in place. He wasn’t ready to forgive and forget, and he was sure this was far from the last conversation they were going to have on the matter before it got better, but he believed Blaine. Those tears weren’t tears of messing up and thinking he was going to lose Kurt, they’d been tears of genuine heartbreak and confusion and whatever else was going on in Blaine’s head, and it was the biggest reason he wanted to... get to that place eventually. “I love you too. Just... just don’t say anything else. Not right now. You can stay as long as you’d like but I don’t think I can talk anymore right now.”

Blaine stifled a sob into Kurt's shoulder as the other pulled him close and into a hug- a hug that actually meant everything to him. It meant that he still had a chance with Kurt, even if it didn't seem like he would ever be forgiven. He wanted to open up and tell his (still) boyfriend everything. He wanted to explain until the other got it, till it made sense out loud instead of just in his head. But he was going to respect Kurt's request for him to stop talking. He nodded, taking it quite literally and not saying another word. He knew what Kurt had said probably could have had him getting away with asking for a cup or water or saying excuse me or something, but he didn't. He felt awkward, and like Kurt actually did want him to leave, even if he'd said Blaine could stay, so he stood up he tried to say he loved Kurt with his eyes as he pressed his lips together to keep himself from actually saying it.

Kurt’s heart sank as Blaine got up and he gave him a tight little smile, one that lost a little bit of the “it’s going to eventually be okay” that had been there not too long before. The physical closeness had helped even if it was painful which was confusing to him on some level. If he wanted to leave, Kurt wasn’t going to stop him. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe Blaine’s head wasn’t where he’d thought it was after all. Maybe he just needed to stop trying to cling on to the hope of - he wasn’t going to go there.  Maybe Blaine just needed his own time to think. “If you want to go that’s okay too. I’m not - I’m not going to force you to stay anywhere you don’t want to.” That statement went broader than just right here right now, but now wasn’t really the time for that either.

A wrinkle formed between Blaine's eyebrows as Kurt almost accused him of not wanting to be there. It was the complete opposite. There was no where else that Blaine wanted to be more than right here. But Kurt was confusing him and he didn't know what to do or say. Should he leave? It didn't look like Kurt wanted him to leave. Should he stay? He was afraid that he would talk too much and ruin everything that he was trying to save. "I want to stay," he said, his words almost sounding like a whimper.

“I want you to stay.” The words came out a whisper, and it broke his heart in the same way Blaine’s honesty had to hear him whimper about something that at one point had been such a simple thing for them. Time together. Closeness. Whatever they would call it. “Let me go clean up and we can have some tea and... you seem like you want to talk, and we can talk. Just... let me go clean up.”