An attraction can be triggered by multiple characteristics. I will admit that I can be shallow but if you look at the string of men I have conquered you won’t see it in all of them. Some were funny, while others were caring and passionate. However, not one of them really wanted to know or accept the person I really am. I have faith that everything happens for a reason and what is meant to be will be. Recently, I have had a few relations with different men. I told someone, who supposedly want to get to know me, that asking me out on an actual date would be a good start. However, this guy never did and I was fine with that. I used him like I did others, messaged him when I was drunk and horny a few time. The sex was decent but the last time this dude started making comments about telling people who he was talking to. First of all, we aren’t “talking”. We get together when I feel like it and have sex. Honestly, I believe this guy is really into me but I want someone who listens when I speak and actually tries to woo me. So I ghosted him. Do I feel bad, of course but I had already told him several times about asking me out if he wanted more than sex from me. I met this other guy and he actually asked me out on a date. This guy could carry a conversation and was a complete gentleman. Of course, I have a problem with temptation and still slept with him on the first night. The sex was alright, something that wasn’t awful and if I made this a permanent relationship it could be improved. However, after that night he got super clingy and wanted me to spend all my free time with him. He even offered to come see me when I had my kid with me. That was a negative. As sweet as he seemed, I am a cautious mother. I didn’t know him that well and he needed to understand we would have to be going strong a few months before he would ever stay over when my daughter was there. Well after I told him this and how I wasn’t rushing into a relationship, that I wanted to take it slow and really get to know each other he bailed out on our date a few days later and never heard from him again. As a single mom, I will always put my daughter first and keep her out of the dangers of the world as much as humanly possible. My red flags went up after this incident for sure. I don’t know what his issue was and I pray it isn’t what my mind instantly ran to.

I sometimes scare myself out of change. I am fully aware of what I am doing but I still seek to make myself some sort of normal, continent person that I am not. I want beauty, happiness, love, and all the things that life can give me just like everyone else but I crave excitement, suprise of the unknown, and the dangers that cause me pain and pleasure. I feel like I have wasted thirty years not truly believing in myself or living life by my own agenda. How do I change and grow, when my weakness is temptation?