#@f

Umm ok it's like. I get increasingly frustrated with people because Every single thing you can tell me about myself I already know. I am painfully fucking aware of how neurotic I am. I know from the way people treat me, I know from the way I interact with the world. I know many of my fears and anxieties are baseless. I know I worry too much about things that don't matter, like weather taking off 2 hours of the day makes me a bad person, like when you see me stress about things it's just because I care about my job but whatever. I know you look and me and think well if only he wasn't so ABC he could be xyz. I've had people tell me that my whole life. If only if only if only. If only the world opened up and swallowed me whole. And they're not wrong. Nothing you say is incorrect. I believe in living in the moment. I believe in enjoying the day to day. I know you wouldn't believe me because you only see me at my worst, but I used to be so full of joy and love and light. I used to look up at the sky with hope. But at the end of the day despite the fact that I went through rock bottom and back I am the only one who lives with myself. You are right. I'm too x, I'm too y, I'm too z. But that person is the only one who is there when I wake up and when I go to bed. I am the way I am because of things that have happened to me. It is true, that most problems are self created. But I'm also the only one who can solve them. And I haven't been able to yet. Yet. All my life I've wondered if only I hadn't done x, said y, if I'd never been born would it have helped any. Maybe but I'm stuck with myself and I don't have time for people who look at me and think they can tailor me a certain way and it would fix everything. At the end of everything it's me and me alone.