#5nevaokay

Ooo, the Outlander gives an Outlandish ask! :D

|| Arcana -  What is your most crazy/insane/bizarre tabletop experience? ||

Well, there was the time I was going to make-

:P

Okay, there are a few contenders for this title, but one of them is more me complaining than anything and several are the results of me being a DM and catering to things my players requested (tags: H.P. Lovecraft, Powerpuff Girls, kaiju, body horror). Since this said “experience,” I’m taking it to mean “things that I witnessed,” so I’m going with the following story.

Back in my freshman year of undergrad, shortly after I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, I was on scholarship probation for poor grades (because 300+ blood sugar will do that). Thus, I decided not to join in the following campaign, though now I really wish I had. I was, however, present for some of the later sessions.

The DM decided to run The Standing Stone, a 3.0 module that was part of the Ashardalon storyline (they’re all loosely connected, unlike a true AP). The party was composed of:

A half-orc barbarian min-maxed for the lulz. By that, I mean Str 20, Int 3. During my first semester (prior to the campaign), I had taken an intro to Linguistics course, so was able to tell the player that a chimp has a vocabulary of roughly 200 words. She went for 300 or 400 (I forget exactly; I recall there being 150 in one language) divided between Common and Orcish (more Common than Orcish).

A wood elf ranger (archer) invoking Record of Lodoss War with how he moved through the forest canopy. After some sort of disaster (which would have fit the module had he been a wild elf), he was left alone in the wilderness for quite some time during his formative years.Meaning he wasn’t feral, but he was fairly naive.

A gray elf wizard, either Lawful Neutral or Lawful Good (and a worshiper of either St. Cuthbert or Heironeous).This one irked me because it was clear he was going for the Int racial bonus over anything remotely having to do with characterization.

A dwarf fighter, played by someone who was kinda dumb. This came forth in the game.The barbarian named him “The Carpet-Face.”

A CN half-elf rogue who claimed to be an acrobat. (Everyone referred to him as such with audible scare quotes.)Knowing a stooge when he saw one, he quickly befriended the naive ranger. They became a unit.

Another character who was in it so briefly that I keep forgetting about it. Probably another elf/half-elf and maybe a fighter, unsure on alignment.

You may be wondering why there were so many elves in this campaign. It’s purely coincidental: of the people playing elven characters, the only one who did so regularly was the one who wasn’t in the campaign much. The (half-)elf characters’ classes, however, are spot-on for the players in question (minus the one who wasn’t ever there): one was an Eagle scout, one always played mages, and one was considered our IRL rogue.

Now, minor spoilers for an outdated module no one runs: the town in question has an evil Tiefling mayor up to no good and a ghostly paladin (with ghostly steed) terrorizing the populace. It’s still a full paladin, meaning it’s Lawful Good.

At some point, the “acrobat” figured out (largely through paranoia) that the mayor was evil, so the “acrobat” killed him. The DM admitted that the "acrobat’s” player was correct, but said that since his reasoning was so poor, his character’s alignment would shift to Chaotic Evil.

As I recall, no one in the party (save possibly the ranger) knew that any of this had transpired. Because “acrobat.”

Not long thereafter, while the party was out of town, the ghost paladin appeared before the party (like it does) and attacked the “acrobat.”

The wizard managed to make the right check (Spellcraft or Knowledge [religion]) to figure out that the ghost (whom they heretofore did not realize was a paladin) had used smite evil -- meaning that the ghost was a paladin (LG) and probably aligned with the wizard’s religion, while the “acrobat” was evil.

So the wizard attacked the “acrobat”.

The ranger tried to come to the "acrobat’s” aid. Thus, you have the "acrobat” and ranger attacking the wizard.

The dwarf didn’t like this, so tried to defend the wizard.

The barbarian (for whatever reason) ripped off The Carpet-Face’s carpet from his face.

In the end of the fight, I know the ranger and "acrobat” escaped together and the barbarian ended up wandering off on her own. I don’t recall if the wizard or the dwarf survived.

Like, the level of campaign ending shenanigans that ensued was on the order of a TPK, yet the DM had done very little to instigate it.

"How do I calculate the damage caused by thirty or so zombies and skeletons imploding inside a mouse?"

“How do I get to the Elder Realm?” he asked.

Hellena turned a page and didn’t bother looking up. “Portal in the left linen closet. Take a turn at the rock that looks like a fox. If you see the sun you’ve gone too far.” 

“Thanks!” He rushed for the door but paused when she called after him.

“Remember to wear a hat or your ears will freeze off.”

“Gloves too?”

“Yep, gloves too.” 

“BYE!” He waved as warmer accessories knit themselves over him and vanished into the closet.

“Where’s he going?” Bishop asked. He walked in from the kitchen just in time to watch the snow drift in from the open portal.

“The Elder Realm.” She tsked at an ad in her magazine. “Oh, that’s just a bad rash waiting to happen.”

“Why is he going to the Elder Realm?!” Bishop hurried across the hall. Hellena shrugged and turned the page. “Hellena he’s fourteen. You can’t just let a fourteen-year-old boy run off to the Elder Realm alone.” A jacket was already forming over him in colors that would have burned Hellena’s eyes if she bothered to look. 

“I was ten when I caught my first dragon. You’ve got to let the boy explore more, Bishop. If he wants to see a dragon let him see a dragon.” 

“I’m going after him to make sure he’s ok.”

“Bring back some frost root,” she said as he vanished. 

The Elder Realm was a frozen, sunless land. Xavier carefully picked his way over the torch-lit path to a village at the base of a mountain. A small group had already gathered, orbs of light floating over their signs and a chant of “protect the dragons,” echoed through the valley. Erras was already there, fiercely protecting a spot for their friend. They perked up the second they spotted Xavier.

“You look like an icicle,” Xavier said as he pulled a spare hat from his pocket and handed it over.

“I didn’t know it could get this cold.” Erras huddled close.

“Here, I brought this to help. My newest creation. I call it Summer in a Bottle.”

Erras turned the bottle over in their hands, frowning at how oddly warm it felt. “This is an Xavier special huh? Which means there’s a ten percent chance it works and one hundred percent chance I blow up.”

“That’s not how math works.”

“It’s how your experiments work.”

Xavier pouted. “I worked really hard on this one.”

“Yeah, and you’ll be working really hard to put my guts back in if it fails.” They passed the bottle back and chose instead to cuddle for warmth. By the time Bishop found them the pair, they were shivering in sync. He thought it would be easier to coax them home, but the cold wasn’t the only thing that kept them frozen in place.

“Did you know that we have fewer than a dozen elder dragons?” Xavier asked his mentor. “They used to be so plentiful they blanketed the sky. Their fires warmed this realm and the ash allowed all kinds of extinct plants to grow here.” There was a chorus of cheers from the other protesters. 

“It’s freezing out here. Surely there’s another way to protect the dragons that doesn’t involve frostbite,” Bishop said. He was dreaming about his warm, plush chair back home. The children smirked at each other and he knew he’d just lost something. 

“There is a way,” Erras began.

“But we’d need someone on the council,” Xavier replied with mock shock.

“But your mentor is on the council,” Erras said, “so he could do it.”

“Theoretically, but no one on the council listens to him.”

((Prompt from 5nevaokay))

When he woke up, Xavier still expected to be in his room back home. He expected to hear his brother and sister arguing in the kitchen or his mother singing off key as she prepared her case files for the day. He didn’t expect silence, or the solid antique furniture that filled the room. 

It took him a long moment to remember where he was and why. When he did a warm feeling spread through him. “I’m a mage.” He whispered to himself, as if saying it too loud would break the illusion.

He tip toed to his wardrobe, afraid to break the quiet of the morning, and tried to figure out what clothes a mage would wear. Nothing looked right. Twenty-four hours ago he was just another nerd and now, NOW he was a mage!

Finally some sound broke the morning calm. Some one was down stairs and making a ruckus. He threw on the first thing his fingers touched and rushed down to discover his first adventure. 

Helena was in the kitchen some how still looking imposing in a frilly white apron spotted with cherries. She was whisking something to death in a copper bowl while Bishop watched in horror. He waved Xavier over when he spotted the boy.

“She’s determined to make you breakfast. I’m sorry.” Bishop sighed then cried out in shock. “HELENA THE BACON!”

“Oh hush its not burnt.” She let go of the bowl, which stayed perfectly in place and continued whisking itself, and took the charred hunks off pork off the fire. “See, perfectly crispy. Here you are Xavier.” She went to scoop out a healthy portion onto his plate but he held his hand out to stop her. 

“A-actually I’m a vegetarian.” He explained.

Helena looked surprised for a moment then shrugged and turned to pour the bacon into the trash. “Then I’ll make you Potato Crispers instead.” She said before heading to the garden just outside the kitchen to harvest the fresh vegetable. 

Michael: I'm smushed between my two favorite people!

Kevyn: My favorite person isn't here.

Blake: ... you know I can't tell if you mean your boyfriend or your bat but I'm pretty sure you mean your bat.

They planned it all out in the dorm the night before. No one could really remember who had started the joke, but it spread like wild fire among them. Midoriya was chosen to be the instigator since All Might seemed to like him the best. He was reluctant at first to play a prank on his favorite hero, but his friend’s enthusiasm quickly got the best of him.

“Before you start,” He interrupted All Might the next day as they prepared for group battle training, “could you show us a Detroit Smash? Not everyone has seen it up close.”

Before he could argue Kaminari jumped in. “Yeah I wanna see a Detroit Smash!” Jiro had to elbow him in the stomach before his snickering gave it away. The whole class seemed to pipe up, begging to see his special move and eventually All Might gave in.

“Alright but stay back, this is a powerful punch.” He instructed and the class took an obedient step back. He turned to the empty city before him, took a deep breath, and shouted “DETROIT SMASH!” The force of his punch topples building, but the sound of eighteen bodies hitting the ground behind him startles him. 

He swirls around in shock, thinking for one horrifying moment that he’d hit his students instead. Iida looks just as shocked at his collapsed class mates. They hadn’t clued him in on their little prank in fear he’d stop them. Bakugo is standing defiantly in the back, refusing to play along.