#561st

Me: If everything happens for a reason, tell me, what is this for? Been over 3 months unemployed now... am I that unemployable? Or should I be meant to go back to Vietnam now... TELL ME

Me2: Happy Birthday btw lol must be fun having such turbulence first few days of age 29. Hallelujah

Me: 30-crisis =_=

Me2: Hey I think things are just going the way YOU wanted it, that's why no job yet BECAUSE what you desire the most FIRST is a new house, your style back. And you got it! First.

Me: True. It feels so good having a private room again, not a narrow bunk bed shared with 12 girls. Man I was down to a cold just last week or before because when living with too many people in one single space, the cold just goes around. And the moment I moved to the new place, no more cold! And I feel super fresh and healthy, probably thanks to the natural park closed by and more greens in this area with so few people.

Me2: See. You wanted this first. And that is why you got a house and all your belongings back, having all clothes (btw you have LOADS! I can't believe it, even if you wear something new every single day you can't even finish wearing all in a month because you have more than, like, 40 outfits! WTF)

Me: I am girl. What do you expect! And I am so proud of my wardrobe, which is handpicked by me by the way. None of the clothes are what is left over of my mother's belongings like what happened in the past, let's say I finally have my own identity lol I am not Mom anymore.

Me2: Yeah right =.= good luck with wearing all of those at least once in a year lol or best of luck packing all again in case you are leaving lol

Me: I am not leaving Japan! I am staying in Tokyo.

Me2: Well yeah, you have only a month left....

Me: A whole month!!!! And everything could change everything could happen! And see, I just noticed 10:10 o'clock on Emily's computer and when I checked the hour meaning for it, it means I'm undeniably super lucky! And success in career and financial future would be at my door! See, it's a sign. I am gonna find a job in Tokyo, stay and achieve my saving goals!

Me2: Work hard for it then.

Me: I will!

Me2: For now you don't, that's why I am concerned.

Me: =.= yeah...

Me2: See! You are always so full of shits.

Me: Ouch! That fucking hurts! And you are RUDE.

Me2: Can't make you face reality if I don't do so.

Me: I know reality. Have some faith in me yo.

Me2: All the time.... and yet you still crawl back here asking for my help.

Me: I didn't ask for your help.... Just want some... chit chat LOL

Me2: the time of which you should spend on job hunting if you wanna stay in Tokyo that bad under only one month deadline.

Me: Hey everyone needs a break sometimes. And I need to know what I am doing wrong during this whole job hunting.

Me2: You don't have Japanese, not even confident in Japanese, lack of work experiences too, which clearly shows in interviews and...

Me: Stop.

Me2: I thought you said you know reality. YOUR reality, to be exact lol

Me: Common I must have something...that's employable!

Me2: Like... ?

Me: Hmm.... cute and fashionable!!!!

Me2: ... ... ... ... ... ...You serious????

Me: LOL sorry I need to make myself laugh away job hunting stress lol Common... don't be serious.... it's just a job. I will find something.

Me2: Hand claps for such..... optimism.

Me: Man.... I need a job, I truly have too much time to think lol

Me2: No kidding.

Me: But on the bright side! I am so free and so free yet I don't bother him again! Maybe Love's gone. Hmm...

Me2: You said you are still happy as fuck when he just sent you a message wishing you happy birthday. And hardly believe it if he really cares or remembers, it might just be Facebook notification so he ended up sending a message out of courtesy.

Me: And so do I, send him Thank You message out of courtesy, and nothing more! I didn't go overboard or whatever. Man I was even thinking (for a mili-second only) of asking him to hire me LOL GOSH I am glad I control my lameness =.=

Me2: Mannnn don't ever talk to me again if you ever do that. We are no longer even acquaintances, I would be ashamed to have an acquaintance like that.

Me: Hey! I didn't do it! I just had a thought for a very very short time!

Me2: Might as well prepare everything, including the possibility you are leaving Japan in August no?

Me:.... that's why I prepared ticket money in my bank account today. BUUUUUT just for worst case scenario that's why I did so, like to so I'm fully prepared for whatever ahead and ready for ...whatever. It doesn't mean I won't get something in Tokyo you know! As I said, the angel said I'm undeniably lucky! I will find a job and enter visa renewal process before my current visa expires. That's for sure.

Me2: You are not young anymore dear, 29 is something, that you should think of about... long term future.

Me: Like what, marriage and kids? Look I talked to Hakun today and she is thinking of divorce because her husband likes gambling. But she feels stuck because she cannot afford to rent a new house for herself and the kid.

Me2: You are saying you have no confidence whatsoever that you will find a GOOD husband?! And all men shall end up like that?! Because if you think of other's situation and don't marry because of that, I think it just means you are "making what you see into your reality" as well, so that you could have a chance to say "I knew it! Told ya. Men are just like that!!"

Me:.... true. Matter of consciousness and mindset again, which in turn shapes thoughts and actions and then, the very reality of one's own.

Me2: Duh!

Me: Anyway.... all I am trying to say is.... I belong to Japan. Vietnam is still my home too, whenever for visits. But I would like to live in Japan. I can't find myself fit back in Vietnam anymore, I HAVE CHOSEN THIS PATH, being international being more than just... a Vietnamese, a Goldsmiths follower, a Japan-lover. Now I am all of those and MORE. And Tokyo offers me to be who I am, who I have always wanted to be and NOW being.

Me2: ...

Me: Look I have changed a lot dear. Even when I was in England, in one of the most amazing cities in the world like London, and being in Goldsmiths I was still just a small girl, not confident with English, not even speaking it, lack everything, especially self-confidence and taste, wearing Mom's clothes and so on. Yet I learnt how to make self and I applied it the moment I set foot on Japan! And I have identified this self of mine all along since then. I HAVE BUILT UP EVERYTHING, even from minus dear, yet I come to zero, and now, a PLUS. Leaving is like, smashing the whole empire I built! You don't know how hard it is, being from someone who can't even speak well a mother tongue, to someone who now speaks THREE languages. You don't know, the price I paid, from being introvert, someone quiet by nature and plain, to someone with a style, with the ability to attract interesting people, get along more easily and make friends along the way! I HAVE PAINED MYSELF A LOT TO BUILD UP AN IDENTITY SUCH THAT, I look like someone travel a lot, have a lot of friends, doing cool stuffs, having cool friends and all, to be able to move socially upwards, to break away from the countryside girl who has no opinion, who "lives to eat" lol and, who, is, MOM. I was MOM 100% remember? And she didn't know who she is even till now! But I know who I am now. I MAKE WHO I AM NOW. Yes my professor was right that 'you can never get away from yourself', time after time I am still my mother, sometime even more, sometime even less. But you know what, you can never get away from yourself BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS TRANSFORM THAT SELF OF YOURS. And I did it!

Look dear, I AM NOT GIVING UP. Till the last day of my visa, everything could change! Miracles could happen! Like how I made it to who I am now! So I will continue on this path, on building who I want to be.