#34talks

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0u09H4eD1TFRBMWCzxZvRM?si=Lj5sLQReTCaoQcuhaNbKwg

When I do something that I know I’m not going to finish or am not going to do perfectly and I’m not mad about it either. Like it’s okay if I don’t finish it- I don’t plan to. It’s okay for the thing not to be perfect- it doesn’t need to be. But of course upon the inevitable truth of someone finding out what I’m doing or just simply asking about my life and hearing how I feel about my project (bc I don’t lie and I won’t lie about how I feel about it) they say things like. “Oh you can do it!” Or, “keep your head up!” Or the WORST one “you’re so smart and capable you’ll do amazing!” It’s so FUCKING TOXIC. Like I get it. You want to be nice and reassure me but am I asking for reassurance?? Do I want it?? NO. Are you all really so un fucking comfortable with someone who has accepted their ACTUAL abilities or maybe have lowered their own standards so that they can lead a PEACEFUL FUCKING LIFE. Because it’s taken SO. LONG. For me to be comfortable with imperfection and yet at every single stage every single person just HAS to push that obscene positivity on me. GUESS WHAT I DONT WANT IT. I. DONT. WANT. IT. I want realism, I want my realistic goals and my backup plans, I want to trust things will go well, I want to pray to my God and trust him to have things go in my favor. I don’t HAVE to be perfect, I don’t HAVE to even be GOOD. If being mediocre at some things makes my life easier and happier than so be it! Don’t feel sorry for me! Don’t try to cheer me up I’m SICK OF IT. Don’t get me wrong I do that to people too and I’m not sure what the solution here is? Probably my own attitude needs to change but honestly?? People are forcing positivity on me and I don’t want it. People who know me would think of me as a positive person, always happy, productive, healthy. But the past few years I’ve stopped putting on a face for others. I’ve been more and more unapologetically me. I am more neurotic, I’m in a constant state of melancholy and nostalgia, I like dark colours and cold places. I am not your therapist, I am not your life coach. I have an eating disorder, and depression and yet I love my life. I fail and I love my life, I succeed and I love my life. I love feeling every single emotion that I am gifted as a human and for so long I have been denied the ability to feel anything negative. All my life in fact! But the beauty of life is being able to feel it all to experience it all! And I don’t want someone to feel sorry for me! Even on my worst days I’m having a heck of a time. Why do we have to be so uncomfortable with negative emotion- we don’t have to hide it we don’t have to shout false positives to cover it up. It is what it is! And if I don’t want to succeed at something leave me alone!! It’s okay!! It’s my choice!!! Stop telling me I can do it becuase I don’t want to and when it ends up that I don’t I just end up feeling like I failed you! But I don’t care about your opinion I do what I want. When I want. How I want. With who I want. IM TIRED TIRED TIRED TIRED. TIRED! TIRED! TIRED! I’m not gonna tell you anything!!! Ever!!!!!!!! I’m getting married and all people ever say is why didn’t I hear about it? “I want to be your maid of honor! Why didn’t you invite me to your engagement party?” It’s my marriage not yours I’m not having a wedding bc we don’t want one that simple. And no you and 12 other people who have asked can’t come to the courthouse and see me off!!!!! It’s my life! My relationship! It’s FOR ME. I DO WITH IT WHAT I WANT. THIS IS MY RANT AND ILL RANT ABOUT WHAT I WANT. MY LIFE IS FOR ME.

It’s real guys!!!

December 1, 2019!!!

Rosehip: Have you ever studied abroad? If not, where would you like to?

I did study abroad! I was in Nagoya Japan for a year. I drank a lot, lost some brain cells and didn’t do well in school. The friends I made were either American or Chinese so I can’t much practice my japanese there but! I worked at SevenEleven for a few months, and I really came to know who I was as a person and not just who I was when people were watching. I guess you could say (I know it sounds cliche) I found some of myself. And I wasn’t terribly pleased 😅 But! All in all I think it was for the best bc it made me who I am today and brought me to where I am now, and I’m glad for it.