#26f

if you said one silly thing and it’s made him take a giant step back from you and a potential relationship? he wasn’t worth it to begin with ): it’s ok to be sad and upset over this, it’s only natural?! but you deserve better. he just wasn’t the right person for you, it just wasn’t meant to be. it takes time to process this and to come to a point of acceptance, but I promise you’ll meet someone who will love you for you, just as you are.

cry, wallow, have a pyjama day and watch netflix, call a friend, do whatever you need to do to look after yourself. this pain won’t last forever xxx

My ex and I parted amicably several years ago. We said we’d stay friends, but that hasn’t really materialised, just due to shifting interests. The most we do now is a phone call around the holidays - which I’ve started to dread because our conversations are so awkward with nothing in common. Now, she’s getting married and wants me to be her maid of honour.

All I would have to do would be give a speech, but as the RSVP deadline approaches, I’m nervous. There’s an age difference in the relationship that makes me uncomfortable, particularly because our relationship had the same age gap, and so did the two before me. I was too young at the time to think of it as a problem, but I do now.

I don’t want to break up the wedding or anything, but I do want to privately talk to our mutual friends about my concerns, so they’ll be able to give me support or advice as I deal with my extreme discomfort now and on the date. I’m extremely conflict avoidant and hate speaking ill of anyone. Saying pleasantries at the ceremony is something I can manage, but how can I face my friends now and not feel like a terrible person for voicing my concerns? I plan to quietly phase out of the friendship with my ex after the wedding, but I don’t want to spoil the big day, especially when she wants me there so badly. Any advice on how to bring up an awkward subject?

(I just noticed your age request - I’m wedding question asker, 26/F)

hey there, apologies for the delay in reply ): I hope this is still being answered in time for you <3

I have to ask though, why on earth does she want you to be her maid of honour? being an ex partner of her’s is fine, lots of people end a relationship and still remain friends. what I find odd though, is that you’re not actually friends anymore! ): like you’re not involved in each others lives now, you barely talk, things feel awkward, you don’t have anything in common, I really can’t fathom why she’s asked you to do this for her. 

I would definitely talk to mutual friends about this, all of your concerns and hesitance about this are completely valid. just send some of your friends a message, ask if you can talk about something worrying you and go from there, just be as honest as you can and say to them what you said here in this message. don’t think of all of this as being mean or speaking ill of someone? because you’re not doing any of this out of spite! but you have genuine concerns and discomfort over this, and you’re speaking up because of a desire to look after your own well-being.

I don’t think you’d be spoiling the big day if you say thanks but no thanks to the offer of being maid of honour? if you’re determined to do this for her though, then I think phasing out the friendship after the wedding is for the best too. take care, I hope it all works out alright for you lovely xxx

i’m sorry if this writing is bad im exhausted. so i 26F knew my boyfriend 31M was married previously, and i was fine with it as we are getting older and i understand shit happens and that was before me. well today i was snooping on a court website (to find something unrelated for a friend) and i found that he was actually married before the marriage he told me about! not only that, i found he had a civil stalking case 10 years ago. it resulted in a mutual restraining order. i feel so weird and conflicted and am i overreacting for being so worried about this???

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Reddit consensus: NOT OVERREACTING (NOR) (94% confidence)

Top comment: “NOR married and divorced two times by 31 is a bad sign. Stalking charge is an even bigger bad sign. This man should be avoided. Unrelated, 26 and 31 isn't getting old haha.”

Notable explanation: “NOR Hiding an extra marriage in itself is a big deal. When I married my 2nd husband I didn’t think it was huge because I knew one of his 3 previous marriages was to give her a green card. But I soon figured out that all of his previous marriages lasted only two years each. Not surprisingly, ours only lasted two years as well. Patterns matter.”