make 9: 2024

I've been forcing myself to have good days all weekend. Even though I've been in a stupid amount of pain I've managed to stay busy with self care and my kids and taking care of my house or cooking or really just anything to keep my mind off the pills. It's been really hard lately for some reason. But I'm sure it will pass it always does it just sucks while I'm feeling this way. It's like feeling really weak and tempted to do stupid shit. Which for me is basically taking extra pills so I can sleep and fucking up my monthly supply 🙃 I can't fucking live like that anymore though it's going to make me fucking crazy. Last month was the first month in the almost 2 years I've been off benzos that I refilled my muscle relaxers before running out early. I actually had a few extra at the end of the month. It was weird, and I hate that even though I can avoid the benzos, my other meds tempt me too, and I have to take them to function, so it's kind of unavoidable. At until I can fix my brain but also I think I'm *always* going to feel like an addict even when u don't abuse anything it feels like part of me at this point.

So I may or may not have got that second dog. I'm trying not to get attached yet in case him and loki don't get along because the first night was hell, but last night, we separated them for sleep, and it was good. The new dogs name is Koda, and he is such a love bug, giving cuddles and kisses and sleeping in my bed like he belongs here. His previous owners will take him back if things don't work out between Koda and loki, but I'm fairly certain it's going to be okay. I got to sleep with Koda, and he's been making sure I fall in love with his sweet little face. He went to work with Chris yesterday and will again for a few days until we can trust the dogs to get along. I can tell they like each other. loki just doesn't know how to play with another dog yet. I'm excited to have another dog to love and care for. We've gotta bring him to the vet for a check-up and some preventative flea meds. He kinda smells like skunk, so I want to give him a bath this weekend. His nails are also insanely long, so I want to trim those, too. He likes to be brushed, unlike loki, so I'm hoping he doesn't hate the bathtub either.