#20230724

パートナーは早朝から仕事に出かけた。がんばれ〜。

見送った後目が冴えてしまい、しかし睡眠は足りていない感じがしたので横になったまま休む。どうにか二度寝できた。

起きてコーヒーを淹れつつプロテインを飲み、洗濯をしてすぐ昼ご飯も作る。ひき肉と玉ねぎと豆乳の汁でそうめん。美味しかったけど空腹を全然感じず、完食できなかった。目を覚ますためにプロテインを朝飲もうと思っていたけど、あまり向いてないなら夜飲む方が良いのかもしれない。

ぱたぱた支度して午後に出かける。Fちゃんと落ち合ってプールへ行くのだ。道中あれこれ話して、先にカフェに入ってお茶して、それから泳ぎに行った。Fちゃんは既にけっこう日焼けしていて夏がよく似合う。私は泳ぐのなんていつ以来か分からないけれど、久しぶりに水に入れて気持ち良かった。1時間弱ゆっくり泳いで外に出る。夕方で空気が気持ち良い。

パートナーと合流したら、私とFちゃんを見て「なんかめっちゃ夏だね」と少し面食らっていて笑った。2人とも花柄とか赤いワンピースとか着ていたから。夏らしい遊びをする時くらいこういう格好しないとね、と顔を見合わせる。3人で中華を食べに行く。泳いで疲れた身体に沁みる美味しさ。映画の話を沢山した。車でさっと帰る。

for the past few days, i've been going back to my previous works/writings/rants/little notes on my phone or anywhere i left virtual trails on. for some reason, i enjoyed seeing how 'articulate' i was in those times (btw, i was defined as 'articulate' by a previous manager we have at work. i didn't know what made her say i'm articulate, but it made me quite happy). i also remember saying i want to leave virtual footprints for myself, and so i shall. i just really have a bad case of keeping-up-with-things but hopefully, this will make me want to write about my day, even grudgingly.

there are things i wanted to read about again in hopes that i can feel them all again. there are people i want to write about because i never want to forget about them and what they made me feel. and there's that part of me that never want to stop writing about them because i want them longer in my life. i want to pour out all of the words and emotion i can't let them know personally because i want some proof that it is real. that my feelings are what makes me human. and being human with these people (quite a few and there's a specific someone i have in mind) is such an honor for me to have. i cannot for the life of me show these feelings outwardly but i do want to keep them in my mind forever.

how i write is quite bizarre and i know it takes time for me to be satisfied with it, but i guess something is better than nothing.

future self, at this point of your life you are doing okay. and you are actually feeling love even though you thought you're not capable of it. you can't help but love because that's one of our default setting. i hope wherever you are standing right now, whatever point of life you're in, i hope you won't stop loving. i know there's an edgy side of you that will gag at the thought of it, but remember that this is what kept you going for some time now. how you loved changed, and you can even identify how it is given to you. i hope these people stay for longer. i hope you give them life and love and light.

we are slowly blooming and nourishing. we are still surviving. we are holding on to little warmths that comes into our lives.