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Indeed, we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return 💔

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"TAEMIN 2ND CONCERT T1001101" en Seúl.

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I think “always” is one of the most dangerous words in any relationship, and that includes your relationship with yourself. It’s pretty much impossible for one not to get defensive when someone accuses them of always doing something.

"You always send the longest videos,” a friend of mine said to me recently. 

Memory, of course, is fallible, so I may be wrong about this, but as far as I can remember, I maybe sent a total of three videos to this friend. One of short. The second was an hour long, but I specifically said to only watch the first two minutes (that’s where the joke was), and the last one was half an hour and it was meant to be watched in full.

I don’t know if that counts as always, but regardless of whether or not that’s the case, I would argue that if the outcome one is looking for is to stop the other party from doing whatever behaviour they are ascribing to them, then always is a suboptimal method of getting to that.

The best way to go about that is through what I believe is called the “I” statement.

What it is, essentially, is communicating how you feel about an action the other person takes without really passing judgement on them as a person. There are three parts to it: I feel... when... and, because...

I feel [insert feelings here], when you do [insert event], because I think it means [insert interpretation of event].

Over the last two weeks, a friend I made plans with cancelled twice without rescheduling, and then yesterday, called again. I texted him saying, “Cool, it’s alright”. But then a few minutes later, I realised that that was not honest. It was not cool. And I was not alright. And this is a pattern. So I wrote:

“I feel sad when you keep rain-checking our hangouts without making any effort to actually cash in those checks, because I think it means that you don’t prioritise our relationship.”

Two things happened when I sent that:

1. I made it clear to him how his actions made me feel, and that weight-off of my shoulder -- no longer having to pretend that all was good -- was great.

2. He explained to me where he was coming from (“My job is erratic so I can’t make plans too far into the future”).

Nothing was magically solved, but conversations were had, and neither party has to hold shit in and pretend to be cool. I don’t know how that will change future interactions -- if that will change future interactions -- but we’ll see.