day 126/548 of namjoon's military service

this selca was posted on 141020 with the caption:

Kim Pink~~

Kalbime de dilime de.

Letizia recycling a blue dress from Felipe Varela

September 23, 2014:  UN’s 2014 Climate Summit in New York (1, 2) 

October 20, 2014: 2013 International Journalism Awards and the celebration for the 25th anniversary of El Mundo newspaper

September 18, 2015: Inauguration of 20th Spain-United States forum during their official visit to Florida, USA

I always think about the session afterwards, and then the questions come to me. Some keep spinning in my head, so i really needed to ask her some things first. So when she asked how i've been and how i was feeling these past 2 weeks, i said that ''i was and am fineee'' (well, she saw through that pretty quickly, but that on a side note) but i also told her that i had some questions for her first.

If she thinks that she can help me or not? (Bc she said that she'd say if she couldn't and she didn't say that. I just need to be sure, yk. She said she can but it'll take some more time. Because she feels that ''i wánt to trust her, but that i really just can't yet''. But with time and stuff i'll get there eventually. It was nice that she said that. I was like, okayyy you do notice the effort and you do know that i just can't help it that i can't trust you yet. Oh, and she said that it's trauma therapy, so i'll have to talk about it eventually. And after talking about it, we'll take the most impacting part out of it and do EMDR. But she can't do EMDR now already, bc i'll mooost probably just shut down. EMDR freaks me out, now already.. But yeah, i guess it's good that she thinks that she can help me. We'll see about the rest later.)

What about her professional confidentiality? When she can and can't break it? (i'm actually pretty safe, based on what she told me. She can only break it when she has a biggg suspicion that i'll hurt someone or that i'll commit sc. But it has to be like really specific. And she'll always discuss it with me first, that she doubts and stuff. Before doing anything, like contacting my doctor. So that's a good thing. And, the first time we met, she asked who my doctor is, but i couldn't answer that bc i recently changed and i don't know her name, so she basically doesn't know my doctor. I do think that, by asking this and listening way too closely to the sc part, that she knows i didn't just ask this to know.. And i asked what she can say if, let's say, my mother calls her. So she said that she already had multiple discussions on the phone with people before bc she can't say anything. Lol, that was a fun part there.)

How she guessed the s* abuse thing? (it's all about hypotheses apparently. So it's not like i said something specific from what she made that connection. So i'm pretty safe outside therapy, i don't need to pay attention to certain things)

What she considers as ''extremely problematic'' for the eating thing. (i kinda fit her description, but let's skip that for a second there lol. I think that she sees through my ''it's not that bad'' tho. She said that it makes sense that i don't exactly tell her the truth since it's my way of suppressing my emotions and i obv don't want to work on that.. But yeah, she probably knows that it's not quite okay. So she'll pay attention to it and look out for it apparently.. Welp, baggy clothes it is)

She was glad that i asked questions! Apparently it's good that i did, since it's good for building trust. And i'm definitely still working on that one lmao. She answered the questions patiently and she was actually really understanding, so i'm glad that went well. After that, she remembered that i wasn't great, so she got back to that thing..

I figured it out, how to tell her that i basically feel like less than crap lately. I wrote down how i've been these past 2 weeks and how i was feeling lately. But to get her to understand certain feelings, i had to go back in time and explain other things to her first. I had to explain what happened and what went down on my previous internship... Which, well, i have been avoiding that. And she knew that i wasn't exactly telling the whole truth in the intake, when this topic came up. (i keep being surprised by how well she sees through things... But that's a good thing probably. It's def good that she let it be at the time being, and that she gave me the time i needed before telling about it)

While reading this written thing out loud, she asked some things to understand it better. Which was fine for me.

But while reading out loud and answering her questions, i also started shaking. I thought it was pretty embarrassing, but she did cool about it. Thankfully. It was like this tension inside of me was pushing to be out. So i started shaking to relax myself. Idk. She asked if it happened bc of being cold (the window was open and it was like 8°C outside, but covid19 ykk) or bc of the tension. Well, it def wasn't bc of the cold... Apparently it's pretty bad if i start shaking while talking about it and while my new internship hasn't even started yet.

She thinks it could be another trauma. And she's a trauma therapist. Just saying... I guess she could be right tho. Okay, she probably is. But it's really just one trauma on top of another trauma, on top of - . Yeah... Idk 😔

She also told me about her internships in the past. Which was nice for a change. So, yeah, the asking questions (and her, answering them patiently, with honesty and with the right answers) and her telling a bit more about her past/experiences did give me the feeling of being able to trust her a bit more again. I needed this, so that was good.