#052515

I’m not sure where I stand with you. Although we’re back to being friends (even going as far as calling each other a best/close friend), I still can’t get over that we still have tensions between us.

That and I’m still pretty madly in love with you but whatever.

I’m a pretty good actress. Have been for forever, especially with my feelings with other people. I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t hurt to be around you (although it’s lessening as I’m trying my hardest to get over you) but am I gonna show any inkling that you affect me? Hell no.

A lot of people know that I like you now, just because I felt like it was time to tell people. I have this backwards ass way of lessening my feelings towards someone by telling more people I like you. And they know and they tease me a lot, whispering things.

Like today at Ray’s grad party, when we were in the jumper. They were off onto one side and we were on the other, more towards the entrance of the bounce house. I stupidly left my phone in my pocket and asked you to put it away for me because you were doing the same to your shit. We were doing our same crap, teasing each other a lot and, when I looked over at Ray and Dan, I saw them smiling and looking at you and me. I was pretty confused.

These last two months of school have been such a ride. Even though we’re back to being friends and, after some of the tension went away, we went back to being quite touchy with each other, although you’ve lessened it somewhat. Although I like you touching me (hugging, putting your arm around my shoulders), I knew it would be painful once you stopped.

So I tried to distance myself from you, which is, to say the least, really freaking difficult. Not only are you the most touchy human being on the planet, again, I’m madly in love with you and I let myself fall for you again and again, despite knowing that you don’t reciprocate my feelings.

But the thing is, I still get the feeling that there is something between us. It doesn’t have to be a fire but I feel like there are still sparks. Everyone around us can tell me that you have never acted this way with another person, let alone a girl. Some girls just don’t “get” you like I do, as much as that is such a fucking cliche, I can’t believe I had to type that with my own hands. But literally, no one else, especially some people like Ray, Meg and Jess who have known you since the beginning of high school, really got to know you.

And that’s the thing I’m most perplexed about. They’ve known you for forever but they don’t know you. They kind of stopped at the quarter mark and then turned and left, only getting to know you a little bit. I thought that quarter mark was it because that’s all they told me about.

“He’s such a giant nerd.”

“He’s such a huge flirt too.” 

“He has the personality and empathy of a wet noodle.”

Boy was that last statement so wrong. I’ve only known you for these last two years and barely got past the quarter mark this semester. I saw a glimpse more of the track at movie night, where you confessed how you felt about true love (and that was one of the many beginnings of my downfall, where I stopped myself from falling more but all I wanted to do after you gave your speech was kiss you).

I remember at the beginning of the year, you told us you were going to be a better friend and be there for us. I kind of laughed at that because I was just about to turn around and not delve any deeper into the complex mind that is AG. I knew we were going to be friends but how far it was going to go, I would never have guessed, especially to Alex from the first two years of high school.

Because, although it took a while, we got super close to each other. I didn’t realize that your personality goes beyond your facade. I knew, at face value, you were a huge ass nerd and a huge ass flirt and for a while, I thought you would be a huge asshole. And you are an asshole, but only to your close friends. I didn’t think that you were anything special, that you were as 2D as you seem to be.

But you’re kind and thoughtful. You’re protective and caring. You actually care more for things than you let on and you’ve got this mystery around you that no one else seems to ever want to phase through. I got curious because you pretty much opened up a door to me that was always unlocked.

You confided in me with a lot of things. I don’t think confided is even the right word with how much you shared with me. It was like a floodgate. You started caring for me and looking out for me. You shared your insecurities with me (something that I thought you would never do because you seemed like you didn’t have any at all, that you were just naturally very confident in all your abilities).

You told me about your past and your dogs and your sister and your parents and you, your interests and such. I don’t understand, I never asked to be so close to you but you chose me. You told me about your three years in therapy for anxiety, how much you family coddles you to death. Your parents are the same age as my parents, in their 50′s, and that’s because you were an unexpected baby. You text me about your “amazing” adventures of finding sunglasses.

I wasn’t expecting to fall for you. In fact, I was hoping for the complete opposite, where we’re amazing friends who know that we can depend on each other, with no romantic attractions at all. I had a small crush on you at first and I thought that was it. Unexpectedly I fell for you.

And it bugs me so much because I love you. No labeling it as friend love or romantic love, I freaking love you dude. You’re such a ray of sunshine, so confident and someone to look up to, but you’re also imperfect and humble. You’re so interesting and, despite my assumptions about you, you filled a spot in my heart that I didn’t think I needed, especially since I didn’t have Becka for so long. You became someone I absolutely needed in my life when I thought otherwise.

Should I give up, or should I keep on chasing pavements? Do I wait for you until you realize that I’m someone who will care and love you, despite it all? Or do I keep on with the mask until I’m healed and we’re friends for life and everything is fine and dandy.

But when will I get healed? The last time I fell in love, it took me three years to get over it. You don’t feel the same and I’m still madly in love with you. I care for you as a friend and hope and pray that you will be mine some day. You told me, “We’ll say our goodbyes at Grad Nite.” Will we? Do you want that? Do you really not want to see each other ever again?

You’re leaving to the military at the end of the year. You’ve got more than half a year left here in SoCal. Are we never going to see each other again? You said we’re best friends and if you say so, I want to uphold it. I want to be with you, either as a lover or as a friend, for a long time.