#052116

I love him. I absolutely love him. He broke my heart but I think I can forgive him. What he did was wrong and he needs to learn his lesson but its so hard to stay mad at him. I can’t resist him either. I feel used and I’m not sure if he’s totally taking advantage of me or if he simply just can’t resist me either. I know I can’t take him back but all I want to do is be with him. I can’t imagine not being with him. I hate that I’m still so attracted to him. Every time I look at him, it feels like I’m looking at him for the first time. When I’m out with friends, trying to shake the feeling, I can’t help but miss him. I just want to come home and see him. When did I become this pathetic.

I wish you’d realize that you love me too. You’re this confused puppy dog that doesn’t know what love feels like. Just because we’ve been fighting and it seems like we fell out of the honeymoon stage, it doesn’t mean you stopped loving me. You don’t just stop loving someone just like that. Someone new comes into your life and you get that infatuation feeling again and you’re stupid enough to throw away everything we’ve built together for this infatuation. Of course she’s nice to you, you barely know her! I gave you a second chance but you chose her. You can’t even imagine how much that hurts.

However, I can’t be with someone like you. You broke my heart, my trust. You asked me to lie for you if things ever happened with her. That’s fucked up. When you asked me that, all I could think was “who are you?” She did the right thing in rejecting you. I still can’t get over the fact that you dumped me for someone less attractive, and is still figuring herself out. You went into this knowing that she might not even like you that much. Haven’t we already established that you’re not a good gambler?

Yes, it does make me feel better that you got rejected. Hurts, doesn’t it? So, your crush rejected you. It really doesn’t hurt as bad as being rejected by someone you gave your heart to. At the same time, I feel hurt because I just feel like a second choice now. The sad thing is, you don’t even want to still be with me. I really hope it’s just the guilt because I really don’t believe I was that bad of a girlfriend. I keep asking myself, “what the fuck did I do to make you stop loving me?” I just don’t understand.

We had a year and a half with absolutely no problems. You made me confident and happy and our love seemed so impenetrable. At one point, the word “boyfriend” wasn’t a strong enough word to describe how important you are to me. I was talking to friends and the word “husband” slipped out instead. You almost called me your wife in front of your friends too. We were mutually in love with one another. What the fuck happened. Things don’t go downhill so fast in just a month. I really got blindsided.

I’m sorry I said shit that were low and mean. I just wanted you to talk to me. I knew something was bothering you. I never meant to hurt you. You need to understand that I was going through a lot at the time. You think it’s bullshit but all I needed was your support and you couldn’t even give me that. I know I need to learn how to control my emotions and I can work on that. It’s obviously not me if I’ve only been this way one month out of the entire year and a half we’ve been together. Your own father is on my side on this breakup. Everyone can tell you still love me and that you’re just being stupid right now. WAKE UP.