#03x04

“you’re gonna have to do things that go against that gentle nature of yours.” “well, i don’t have to like it.” “you wouldn’t be sam if you did.” being a conversation that sam and ruby had after she suggested they celebrate the fact that he killed two demons today, to which he objects and negates with the fact that he killed two humans, too, and that he (obviously) feels bad about it, after long in-episode talk (none of which he was a part of) about how he was set to be hell’s next chain of command and how there were demons already set to follow him, but he just, quote, “hasn’t stepped up to the plate.” (to which dean answers “thank god for that”— i don’t like the implications there, because of what he admits to already thinking about sam in the conversation i’m about to mention) juxtaposed against dean telling bobby that “[he] should’ve seen it, bobby, it was cold.” all it was was sam… falling into line. doing, realistically, what dean would’ve done if the situations were reversed. this is discomforting to dean because it disrupts the roles that they’re ‘meant’ to fill. this, in dean’s eyes, lends itself towards sam having come back wrong. lends itself to sam Being Bad. and that’s… a frustrating conclusion for him to be drawing and then putting onto sam like it’s a bad thing when his doing so is entirely hypocritical. we, the audience, are at large supposed to agree with dean here, i think, which i find interesting because if you pick apart the argument for Why dean thinks like that it just… takes itself apart. i don’t know. i feel like sin city is where the What If Sam’s Bad really starts and on a first watch it was frustrating as someone who takes sam at his word and believes him wholeheartedly, but on a rewatch, having all of the broader context of everything else, it is… gutting. head in hands aggravating. no matter what sam does, it’s never quite the right thing. he’s kind of always been damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t. but for ruby to waltz in and to know sam for far less time and say “you’re going to have to do things that go against your gentle nature […] you wouldn’t be sam if you did (like it)” which implies that she understands that nature is there and that his discomfort in going against it is part of that nature and, therefor, in turn, an inherent part of him vs. dean saying “it was cold […] do you think there’s something wrong with my brother?” which boxes him into a predetermined “already evil” role and denies any of that aforementioned nature existing, since he confirms he’s been thinking there could be something wrong with sam since oklahoma (02x22). it’s not like sam’s reaction to the day’s events give credit to the Actually Evil narrative either; he’s tense and terse and short and upset and feels guilty, which is evident from, yes, his words, but also his body language. just very frustrating to watch the Sam Is Evil box be built when all anyone’s doing is throwing stones in glass houses when it comes to his behavior held against anyone else’s.

sam smiles soo much in the first 10 minutes of sin city. more than i’ve seen him smile in one episode since hell house i think. cutie

Forgot how interesting Casey the demon was. And then Sam shot her 😔