#* emile.

the adhd/add blues.

émile was not diagnosed with add until he nearly dropped out of trade school after a series of mental breakdowns throughout his early twenties. while he excelled at the tasks he did complete, he had trouble with focusing in his work, with procrastination, and with taking care of himself while keeping up with his studies. as a result of his seeming underperformance, he began to feel severely depressed, neglecting his eating, sleeping and exercising habits. he turned irritable, restless, angry. he was constantly tired, and he severely lacked motivation to continue with his education.

"a major problem for most adults with add: without the structure of school, without parents around to get things organized for him or her, the adult may stagger under the organizational demands of everyday life. the supposed little things may mount up to create huge obstacles. for the want of a proverbial nail -- a missed appointment, a lost check, a forgotten deadline -- their kingdom may be lost.”  -- hallowell and ratey's suggested diagnostic criteria for attention deficit disorder in adults

but this was not the first time he’d felt this way: he’d spent the better part of his life thinking there was something off with him, but his concerns were ignored. his teachers never considered the possibility to a neurological aspect to his problems, and never brought up the topic of adhd -- they just frequently sent him to detention. his parents, while very loving and understanding, chalked it up to a learning disorder like dyslexia, or just general lack of motivation, typical of boyhood. as a result, they tried to set up strict routines for him, and helped him with his homework directly. this much helped him alleviate the issue, and his grades improved, but it never addressed the root of the problem. 

it reflects, also, the history of underdiagnosis and undertreatment of add found in black and latinx children. according to a 2014 study by paul morgan, professor of education and director of the center for educational disparities research at psu, by the time children reach eighth grade, african american children are 69 percent less likely — and latino children 50 percent less likely — to receive an adhd diagnosis than their white counterparts. this study was reaffirmed and complemented by follow-up studies with similar, if not even more marked, results.

the reason for this disparity is multi-causal, and not the topic of this headcanon. in émile’s case, the idea of a psychological evaluation simply never came up when he was young, and it was not addressed by his parents. eventually, even émile began to accept his feelings and struggles as just the natural way of things. around his friends, there was also a heavy stigma around “craziness”, after all, and he did not want to be seen as crazy. further mental stress was placed around trying to “fit in”. 

so, it takes being on his own for him to realize the depth of his problem. it takes some work, too, admittedly, to find specialists that will assist him effectively without disregarding his concerns (as it’s frequent for black and brown individuals). he goes through a couple of therapists first before ending up with one that brings up the topic of add and conducts proper evaluations.

the first feeling he gets from this diagnosis is relief -- it clicks, it feels right, this must be his problem. the second is anxiety -- and shame for not having realized things sooner. there’s also fear that he might be making everything up in his mind. and even to this day, that’s a feeling he struggles with on occasion (making him sometimes considering going without his meds). 

his parents were hesitant about this development, but ultimately supportive. more so his mother than his father, who was initially concerned about drugs drastically having an impact on émile’s personality, or him becoming addicted to them on some level (a common misconception). it took some discussion to get him on the same page, and nowadays they both agree and support his diagnosis and decision to be medicated. 

TOUGH SHELL :

bruised knuckles. bloody noses. eye rolling. empty bottles. messy hair. sarcasm. lip biting. unwashed jeans. coffee breath. loud music. broken neon signs. chipped nail polish. leather jackets. always wearing headphones. swearing. sneaking out at 3 am. dark lipstick. frown creases. burning cigarettes. plaid shirts. under eye circles. dark colors.

SOFT INSIDE :

honey tea. flower crowns. giggling. blowing kisses. dancing without worries. white lace. soft textures. fluffy throw pillows. using too many heart emojis. empathy. constant daydreaming. handwritten letters. fairy lights. bullet journals. designated driver. warm hugs. garden picnics. quiet. smile lines. optimism. flowy clothes. pastel colors.

@themercifulmother​​​ sent: ciro: 8. + 26. // emile: 19. + 23.  

character development questions / accepting.

CIRO.

8. where and when do they seem most and least at ease? why? how can you tell?

ciro, especially older ciro, has a tight grip on his body language, so it's actually hard to tell when he's displeased or pleased by something, or when he's comfortable/uncomfortable. at least, when he's playing the role of advisor, and when he's around other made men. he's got reputation for being truly unreadable, for seeming perfectly okay with a meeting's resolutions only to turn around and tell salvatore that he thinks lowly of the terms of the prospective deal or the dealmakers themselves. he will seem unruffled by someone's aggressive behavior and, once that person is out of earshot, or simply has calmed down, he will pointedly criticize it. such a skill is invaluable for a consigliere, for a lawyer, and as salvatore's business partner.

he does not like surprises, though. he can work with them, will do well with them, but he does not like them. he does not like things being hidden from him, either, since they make his work much more difficult than he considers it should be. there's a breathable tension in the room whenever ciro realizes there's a crucial piece of information that he does not possess. he has argued (privately) with sal whenever he feels like sal has hidden something from him, and it's likely one of the few rare times sal could have seen ciro aggravated. it's not easy to tell unless you know ciro when this happens, but: he turns very still. hardly blinks, his gaze downturned when he is making direct eye contact. talks very coolly and keeps things brief and to the point.

he also does not like snakes. when he was younger (late teens), he was bitten by an asp viper during a trip to italy. a half hour of unbearable pain and some antivenom later, he's all good and healthy, but developed a fear of snakes. not a phobia: he can be near one, provided it's in its enclosure, but he'd rather not. he will avoid looking at it.

talks about sexuality also make him uncomfortable. it does not matter how accepting of it you might be. when he was young, even talking about girls was the one masculine ritual he never quite mastered (he was good at violence, at sports, at money -- but not vulgar conversations about women and sex), and his involvement was minimal, only the right amount necessary to keep suspicions of his own personal inclinations at bay. he claimed to be old fashioned, that he was raised to be respectful, a good catholic, a good sicilian. truth is, he was uneasy as fuck. and he's very tight-lipped about being gay even nowadays. you can chalk that up to both his stifled environment growing up and the fact that he's private by nature.  

he's most at ease when things are business as usual. when he's on his own or with the company of someone he is close to (sal, delores, his wife), but not talking about business. you can tell because of the ribbing, and the rambling manner of his speech. he's more expressive, more colorful with his language, but still keeping his impassive disposition.

26. how do they view and feel about relationships, and how might this manifest in how they handle them, if it does?

he views relationships (friendships, family, spouse) as some of the most important things on earth. money and power is really all in service of what you can provide for your loved ones. someone who is powerful, but alone, without strong connections to anyone or anyone -- does not remain powerful for long. as a result, ciro is loyal and unwavering when it comes to his relationships. once he has chosen you as part of his small circle of friends and loved ones, he will pretty much kill for you. he will lie for you in court. he will bury a body for you and make sure it is never found. he will do anything in his power to keep you safe. moreover, he will ensure your loved ones are safe as well. for example, when sal goes to prison, ciro visits him on a consistent basis, but mostly he makes sure delores and the kids are doing well.

all this being said, he simultaneously believes that emotions and sentimentality should not cloud one's judgement, and how one feels shouldn't have a say above the logically better decisions. his loyalty is airtight, but so is his sense of pragmatism, and his tendency to look for the long term solutions rather than instant gratification. when someone he cares about is hurt (like, for example, his children) or threatened by someone, he goes about solving the problem in tranquil, meticulous manner. make no mistake, though: it is not any less cutthroat than simply walking and beating the assailant up over it.

ÉMILE.

19. how do they behave within a group? what role(s) do they take? does this differ if they know and trust the group, versus finding themselves in a group of strangers? why?

émile is an introvert who can pass very well for an extrovert, albeit at the cost of his energy. it also vastly depends on whether he trusts the group and the nature/purpose of the group itself.

he can effortlessly take the role of a leader, deciding what is best for the group and calling the shots, bringing people together and making sure everyone is doing well. this tends to happen with people he does not know much; he is the one that takes initiative primarily out of a lack of trust for others' leadership skills -- and because he is very independent and very intolerant to others bossing him around. it's also the sagittarius in him speaking -- sagittarians make good leaders because of their excellent organizational and people skills. at his best, émile is generous, broad-minded, optimistic, and charismatic enough to make people side with him and agree with him. he's also a great listener and protector.

but he can also easily take the role of the lancer/right-hand man. in order for this to happen, he needs to trust the leader greatly, and he will challenge them constantly. he is not someone that blindly follows others: he will act as a great complementary force. he will also appreciate not having to be in the spotlight all the time.

23. how do they respond to difficult social moments? what makes them consider a social situation difficult?

because of the add, émile suffers from emotional dysregulation. ed is a term used in the mental health community that refers to emotional responses that are poorly modulated and do not lie within the accepted range of emotive response. he also suffers from rsd, or rejection sensitive dysphoria, "an extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life".

as a result, émile does not deal with criticism well, or perceived slights (at himself, at his family/relationships), or rejection. he can easily become irritated and that irritation can quickly evolve into intense anger. when he was a child, this presented itself in the form of aggression: while mostly well behaved, he would waste no time snapping back at other boys/bullies when they threw mean comments at him, or lashing out at teachers for criticizing him. he would get into fights just to prove himself as not one to be tested. he did not deal with being scolded by his parents well, either -- he would pretend not to care, but that shit would sting. on more than one occassion, he would cry. he would continue to act out.

he got better with age. more mature, less likely to respond to provocation. he had to set an example for his siblings -- he had to help his parents with raising them, and be a good older brother. still, he worried about being overly sensitive. he would get stressed out very easily, angry very easily, and sad very easily, prompting him into impulsive behaviors. then just like that, these emotions would disappear and be replaced with apathy. he sought out hobbies to help him with that, took up exercise, running, boxing.

… to understand

you feel as if you cannot understand. your heart desires to do so, but everything seems useless, or maybe like you've exhausted every possible option. you've probably tried hard, looking low and high. opening every cabinet in the house, searching every drawer, looking under every bed. you might've ripped apart whole rooms looking, searching for exactly what you need. maybe you feel you've run out of places to look, things to find, people to ask. the windshield is frosted over, and you're sitting in the car, waiting for it to melt on a cold, winter morning. it feels as if itll never defrost, impossible to see through, no matter how much heat there is. 

be patient. keep searching. you'll understand eventually, i promise.

for purposes of making this easy, i think it’s better to split this chatter into several groups:

the first one would be the one made up of those who have a positive relationship with their fathers at the current moment and get to celebrate father’s day with them. that would be jerome, smoke, samuel, émile, and olivia and i think that’s about it. 

jerome normally tries to spend this day with his father doing something they both enjoy, like going to the movies, a music recital/concert, and/or having lunch together and catching up with him. this is more prevalent when he moves to nyc, since he’s on his own with his parents down in florida. if something happens (either on his side or on his father, since he’s a very busy man) and they can spend time together or he can’t go to florida, jerome videochats with him (or a witchy equivalent lbr). the first father’s day in new york thaddeus kendricks actually goes to visit him instead to see where he’s living and what he is up to with his own eyes. 

smoke’s father, much like on his birthday enjoys going for a ride with his son which, in the carter household means leaving the continent to fly freely across the pacific ocean in their dragon forms. 

samuel’s case is more peculiar in the sense that while they have a positive relationship, the kovacs don’t really celebrate holidays of any kind besides -- perhaps -- christmas in a very ironic way, so there’s probably nothing prepared for father’s day (and there never is), but they like it that way. 

émile’s father likes to catch basketball games with him either live or on tv. they prefer to keep it simple and at home unless one of the chevalier children has a bigger plan in mind. they make him his favorite meals and they each give him a present (or contribute toward buying him a single very nice present)

Emile’s types: 

Older women

People his age that act like they’re old

Nerds

NAME: emile raphael chevalier NICKNAME:  em, or just emile GENDER:  cisgender male  ROMANTIC ORIENTATION:  bisexual PREFERRED PET NAMES:  anything works as long as it’s not embarrassing. he sticks to baby/babe mostly, so he wouldn’t fault you for using them. beautiful/handsome/gorgeous are fine and good but only if not overdone, because they can feel vapid if so. honey and love, but only if you have the sensibility necessary to pull them off – he doesn’t, so he can’t. if you do, though, it’s a weakness. RELATIONSHIP STATUS:  single  FAVORITE CANON SHIP:  don’t apply FAVORITE NON-CANON SHIP:  don’t apply OPINION ON TRUE LOVE:  it’s real and it’s out there, though not tied to a specific person (emile doesn’t believe in soulmates, at least not in a 1:1 ratio; everyone has to have at least several potential soulmates) but to processes and time and willingness to make a relationship prosper.  OPINION ON LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT:  there is no such thing.  HOW ‘ROMANTIC’ ARE THEY?: while he’s rather straightforward with his feelings and intentions, he’s not overly sentimental, and as such not really a natural born romantic. he likes doing little things for the people he likes here and there and be attentive and such, but he’d hardly chalk that up to being romantic.  IDEAL PHYSICAL TRAITS:  not enthusiastic about size differences, so someone about his height is ideal; good smile; nice smell.  IDEAL PERSONALITY TRAITS:  mature, independent, active, unpretentious, sarcastic/witty/with a sense of humor, playful, friendly, cool-headed, reserved, well-principled, fair-minded, patient, practical, clever, someone who’s comfortable around silence UNATTRACTIVE PHYSICAL TRAITS:  whiteness  UNATTRACTIVE PERSONALITY TRAITS:  whiteness -- okay, so, to be more specific: rudeness for rudeness’ sake. pettiness. wanting to talk just for the sake of talking, without having nothing to say. thinking being disrespectful is cool -- he’s not a teenager. IDEAL DATE: he doesn’t really date in the sense of setting up dates all that much, so he’s not to go for the elaborate. if he likes someone, he’d just like to hang around with them, maybe go out to eat, out for a walk, watch a movie, talk about their lives, music, nonsense. when he likes someone, it’s because he considers them interesting, and any time around that person is a good time in his book, so he tries not to bore either. his definition of a date may just be food (either takeout or cooking together) and good conversation, or maybe just chilling around each other. he might try that sort of thing if he knows you’re into it, though; he really likes to please and do things for the people he loves. DO THEY HAVE A TYPE? i don’t think he does? he likes people that are not cpmplete assholes. other than that, he’s adaptable; it doesn’t matter if you’re extroverted or introverted, quiet or loud, sweet or mean or a mix of both. just have your heart in the right place.  AVERAGE RELATIONSHIP LENGTH: it ranges from a few months to a couple years.  PREFERRED NON-SEXUAL INTIMACY: watching things together, reading together, taking walks -- and non sexual touching: he’s a touchy person. will hold your hand in his and stroke it, will rub your shoulders, will plant a kiss on them out of the blue. what he can’t say in words he makes up for in actions. COMMITMENT LEVEL: all the way. he’s a relationships kind of person. if it’s the right time, he will be open to anything.  OPINION OF PUBLIC AFFECTION:  he’s open to it, but not to obnoxious amounts. time and place for everything.  PAST RELATIONSHIPS? a few. he’s actually not been in many. in college, he dated a couple classmates and those have been his most long lasting ones. 

BASICS  ! NAME:  émile chevalier NICKNAME: em AGE: twenty-eight SPECIES: mutant

PERSONAL  ! MORALITY: neutral good RELIGION: agnostic. SINS: greed / gluttony / sloth / lust / pride / envy / wrath. VIRTUES: chastity / charity / diligence / humility / kindness / patience / justice. KNOWN LANGUAGES: english, basic french, basic spanish. knows essential phrases in ASL and BASL SECRETS: he has no secrets; he’s an open book ! he’s even as out about his mutation as possible. emile is very honest when it comes to himself + his thoughts. 

PHYSICAL  ! BUILD: scrawny / bony / slender / fit / athletic / curvy / herculean / pudgy / average . HEIGHT: 6′2″. SCARS  /  BIRTHMARKS: some scratches and faint burn marks on his arms/hands. he also has tattoos: right hand sleeve of spirals, with a tiger by the bicep/shoulder (reference – of just the sleeve – here and here)   ABILITIES  /  POWERS: emile is pretty good with his mutation (magnetokinesis), and was always encouraged to train and practice and hone himself. there’s still a lot of things he cannot do, but those he can do, he can do effortlessly. he’s also quite good with math and motor mechanics. RESTRICTIONS: focus and sensibility. emile has adhd and that translates to how he interacts (and doesn’t interact) with others. in times where not texting back within five minutes is a dealbreaker, emile is often mistaken for aloof or uninterested, maybe even neglectful. sometimes he may struggle paying attention, or may say the wrong thing without meaning to. meds take care of most of these things just fine, but they’re still there. 

FAVORITES  ! FOOD: he’s a steak person. with mashed potatoes or rice, and a salad? nice. PIZZA TOPPING: shrimp.  COLOR: he doesn’t think about these things. MUSIC GENRE: hip hop, r&b, pop, reggaetón. MOVIE GENRE: thrillers, psych horror, action when he just wants to see things explode.  CURSE WORD: fuck, he guesses. SCENTS: gasoline/grease/rust/light sweat when he’s been recently at work. minty or citric scents otherwise. 

FUN STUFF  ! BOTTOM OR TOP: he tops more than he bottoms, but he likes to bottom now and then. SINGS IN THE SHOWER: he likes to listen to music while in the shower, and he’ll sing along to it. LIKES PUNS: he will smile and roll his eyes.