#(outofsarcasm)

Long story short, someone I thought I could trust and was crucial to my tumblr rp experience proved I was wrong to trust her. I asked her for support and was victim-blamed and gaslit instead - and then called abusive for being angry about it.

I've had a hard time returning here when that's hanging over my head, and the fallout has made it hard to trust anyone who knew both of us. I've already had supposed "friends" call me manipulative and passive aggressive for outright asking them if we were still on good terms. Apparently "I feel like you're angry with me, are you?" is now unacceptable.

This is NOT about anyone still following me. I should be clear about that. I just feel the need to admit that there's something beyond my personal issues that's a problem I need to deal with, because if I don't I'll think I'll be stuck.

I WANT to be back here. I love Vivian so fucking much. I love the muses she's interacted with! There are SO MANY stories to be told that she's a part of and I WANT TO TELL THEM.

And yes, a lot of it's on me. When I accidentally/subconsciously deleted Vivian's blog, I deleted 4+ years of character development and headcanons, and I feel like i can't come back without re-establishing that. That's on me. On my creative blocks, on my executive functioning issues, on my lack of spoons. And I honestly don't know how to fix those issues. I don't know if they CAN be fixed.

But I DO know that I want to be back here.

I just don't know how to.

Im working on it, though.

But when I tell you how excited I am to be writing a BOOK with this baby girl as my main character??? And it’s all thanks to @littlemissmanga and our over 1,000 note thread that we started when I was in college!!! I have been so inspired to write lately and I know it’s because of my start here on Tumblr.

In last Monday’s cleaning spree I finally found my adult-coloring-holiday-season cards!

So I once again offer up to mutuals who I’ve at the least spoken to OOC once or twice, and who are comfortable giving me their address, the joy of a fun color-it-yourself holiday card in celebration of the seasonal holiday of your choosing!

I won’t hold onto anyone’s address once the cards are in the mail.  Promise promise.

Anyway, I have been sticking to my plan, if much slower than I intended. Filling up the queue is in progress, and I've been adding to the list of lost (or out of date) headcanons to rewrite. After I start writing those, I'll be reaching out to people about what verses/dynamics we want to keep, then brutally emptying my drafts and inbox, then writing up verses.

And then... idk. Be a rp blog again, I guess?

Also I was allowed in the library unsupervised today! I'm trying to decide where to start.

I know a large part of the problem is what I went through a year ago was just deeply horrible.  There’s no way to avoid the impact it’s had on Vivian (and other muses, but predominantly her), on rping as a hobby, on my interest in certain fandoms, on rping in certain fandoms, and on me. 

And then I went and accidentally deleted YEARS of headcanons, threads, meme responses, and character development.  I’m NEVER going to get all of it back.  I can’t even remember what half the headcanons I’d written were about.  I can’t remember even a fraction of the blogs I was following - blogs I’d rarely or never interacted with, but loved following nonetheless.  My tiny “Following” list feels like an accusation.

I’m still upset over everything I’ve lost - in every way. 

But I really, truly, deeply miss the people I’d been interacting with and following.  I miss seeing people’s ooc, and their headcanons, and reading their threads.  I miss throwing ideas around with friends and partners and would-be partners.  I miss the PEOPLE the rpc is built on.

And, finally, my offline life is calming down.  The stars are aligning.  I have some habits I need to try to break (though since I can’t actually build habits I suppose I don’t actually have habits to break), but honestly spending less time on my phone and more time on my laptop involves a lot of things that would be healthier for me.  

So.  I have A PLAN:

1. The next few days are going to be about loading up my queue.  I’m down to 19 posts.  And I have several hundred to add - across this and all Vivian’s sideblogs. 2. Reach out to friends/established partners to say HI!  I’ve been ignoring some of you for so fucking long and I’m so so so SO sorry.   I’ll also see who wants to keep the verses/relationships/dynamics we had, and who might want to start over or adjust things. 3. Make a list of what headcanons I can remember having written on the accidentally deleted blog.  Rewrite what I can remember.  Set aside what I can’t remember the details of to work on later.  Schedule headcanons to be posted over a reasonable span of time. 4. Clear out inbox and drafts.  I’m going to be ruthless.  Unless discussed with someone as part of #2, it’s going to go.  Sorry in advance. 5. Post a few memes.  6. RESPOND to a few memes. 7. Write up Vivian’s two main verses - default MCU, MCU/Spooks crossover. 8. Less time on phone, more time on laptop, as it’s more conducive to writing/being active on this blog. 9. Try to spend at least 30 minutes a day active on this blog while the cat throws her whole body down against my leg while I’m on the couch for the next two weeks. 10. Work on writing up Vivian’s other verses.

That being said my brain isn’t going to leave me alone until I fix the damn thing.  So, question I should have thought of earlier: