#'z

I'm feeling so lonely these last days. I've tried to ask for company, 'cause I'm so sad that I didn't want to stay alone at home. So I just wanted some care and affection. I didn't have that I need it and still need. Not only that, but I just got an awful phone call that it was better didn't happen. This makes me think that my feelings' freaking me out for so long for someone who don't even really care about me. How can I be so idiot and dumb about who I choose to be part of my life? Why am I always choosing alone? Is everyone that much better than me?

I'm just fucking sick of this life. I don't even trying anymore to do things. At my free days, I spend most of time sleeping. Make no sense for me to being awake. I still don't want to be alone and feel lonely, but life isn't about what we wanna, what I want to don't matter.

With love and sadness,

'Z.

I read my letters to you and it’s like read a diary or a book from my own life. It’s a little awkward to visit some emotions and situations. It seems so far and it’s look as a whole different life, like it’s someone’s life.

In 2016 I wrote you that I think I was demiromantic. Now I don’t wonder anymore, I’m completely sure. It’s funny because last year I was thinking about it. I was thinking about the very first time I heard/read about assexuality and it makes all sense to me. It was 2012/2013, maybe. I recognize myself immediately. About aromanticism, I don’t used to think about it. And I really didn’t remember that I’ve cogitated this before. So last year, when I started this ride about self-reflection, thinking about me, myself and I; it was really important assume to myself that I’m also aro. It’s weird nowadays there’s a stronger aro/ace community rising, but I don’t feel part of it. I identify myself as ace since day 1 that I’ve learned it exists a word for how I always felt, but I don’t like to put me in boxes. Technically asexuality is part of the LGBTQIA+ community, but I feel like an outsider. Most of people even mention letter A like it was only LGBTQ+.

Actually I don’t like to talk about my (a)sexuality, I’m not ashamed or something, but it’s my life an my privacy, it’s part of who I am, it’s no one business even people constantly try to suppose things about my sexuality. I hate how people try to make everything being about sex and dating as life was just about that. C'mon!

I always felt I belong nowhere. Maybe I don’t and I don’t need to fit it anywhere. I just need to be me, freely and genuinely.

Always love,

‘Z.

I was cleaning my phone and I found some letters I’ve started to write to you but never finish and never send them. So now, I would like to share them with you.

First, there’s this from 19th May 2018:

“There’s a long time I wrote you last time. I’m so much better, depression is officially out of my life.”

And also this from 11th december 2018:

“It’s been more than one year last time I wrote you. I don’t know if you remember my last letter but I thanked you for helped me hold on and I said I was so much better and I didn’t cut myself barely one year. Well, two months ago I almost killed myself and cut myself again. I thought I was 200% okay, but now I can’t celebrate 2 years without selfharm this month. It hurts me so bad that I did it again.

I’m feeling so lonely last weeks, like I’m on my own don’t matter where, even in my own house. I can’t call it home anymore, I fell like I don’t belong there or anywhere. I fell I can’t breathe and I’d suffocate any moment. I’m feeling like shit, like I…”

It’s been a while since all of these. So much has changed until now. Actually I’m living just with ma crazy and lovely ancient dog (Lizze), my family have moved out to others states, but we’re in contact constantly. I’m doing my second postgraduate, trying to do my best and possible as a person and also as a nurse acting in this chaotic times. Dammit! There’s this neverending pandemia, this stupid government in my country. I’m exhausted, I don’t see my friends more than an year, I miss so badly enjoy concerts and be able to just go out and do anything else or whatever. And I miss not fearing all the time and feel bad constantly for things I completely can’t change.

Last year I started to look for my life, my relationship with me, specially with food and my body. It’s been a rough ride, mainly understanding all the impacts from racism on me and who I become. What from who I am is genuinely me and what is just a mechanism of surviving through all these shits? Right now, I’m completely failing, I barely can look at me in the mirror, but I hope I can love myself very soon. I won’t give up on me!

Oh, Charlie! I have so much to say, to tell you, but I think this letter is already too big. It’s always great write to you, makes me feel so good. Hope you aren’t bored with my stuffs, ‘cause I will back soon!

And one more time, thank you!

Always love,

'Z.

I've never told you, but I just hate to feel. It's good to feel something, but also makes me realize how I have no control about anything, including myself and my own feelings. Most part of my life I handled with everything numbing and only putting things on rational space. I never allowed me to feel, because it's painful.

So this year, I started to try, and I'm proud of me, but I think I'm failing at the same time. There's so much self-sabotage inside me. There's always a hidden voice (sometimes not too hidden) that tell me I'm not enough, I'm just a freak and someone hard to love. I wonder me if someday I may just be who I am and happy.

Love always,

'Z.