#!hazel

13: what’s something that made you smile today?— Ter coisinha pra responder aqui! Eu gosto de atenção. 

(2. yelling at an inanimate object for not functioning properly.)

“DROGA! FUNCIONA, CARAMBA!” Alice gritava constantemente, irritada, batendo no celular que não funcionava por nada. “Por que você faz isso, hm? Eu te trato com tanto carinho, nunca te deixo cair, E VOCÊ ME DEIXA NA MÃO?” Continuou, começando a ficar desesperada. E foi nesse momento que notou que não mais estava sozinha na sala — Hazel havia chegado, e lhe olhava como se fosse um ser estranho. Não a julgava por aquilo. Uma pessoa conversando no telefone era normal, mas conversando com o aparelho era… Raro. Sentindo-se um pouco tensa e constrangida, Alice riu brevemente para a mais nova antes de pegar o celular e guardar na bolsa com movimentos lentos, como se assim ela não fosse perceber o que fazia. Quando terminou, cruzou as pernas e passou a olhar para frente, concentrada em parecer a pessoa normal e séria que deveria ser.

My name is Lynn.

I’m dressed up in this gown like the ones they make you wear at the hospital.  Mine is blue and it feels too big for me but I don’t complain because at the very least, it isn’t too small.  I just sit there, in my room while I wait for the time to pass.  My feet are dangling off the edge of my bed and I’m swinging my legs as I'm holding to the side of my mattress.  It’s quiet, now; I like that.  I am content, I am calm and I have to keep telling myself this.

I am okay.

But it’s a bit of a lie.

I know I’m not okay—that’s why I’m here, in this place with the doctors and the nurses who pretend like I’m alright.  Most of them talk to me like I’m either really stupid or really young.  I’m not stupid or young – maybe a little bit on the under aged side considering I just turned fifteen last month – and neither is Hazel.

She doesn’t come to see me very often any more, but occasionally she’ll drop by.  I like it better when she’s gone.  At least nothing bad happens.  Nobody gets hurt.  I don’t get in trouble.

“Good morning, sunshine!” calls a cheerful, singsong voice. It’s a female and they’re on the other side of my door.  I look up just in time to see Meryl, one of my nurses stepping in.  She’s smiling too wide and looking too perky.   I can see it in her eyes so easily—she’s scared of me.

She shouldn’t be, really.  I’m nice and I don’t hurt people.

Meryl should be terrified of Hazel.

“Hello,” I greet her with a timid, strained smile.  It’s nurses and doctors who treat me the way that she does that make Hazel mad.  She doesn’t like that.  I reach up to brush my hair out of my face.  Maybe they’ll take me for a haircut soon.  It’s becoming harder to manage it and just becomes a long, tangled and knotted mess of light brown strands on my head.  “It’s afternoon, Meryl.”

“Morning to me, since I’m just starting my day with you, Hazel,” she laughs and it sounds so fake.  I wince a bit.

“Lynn,” I correct her automatically.  I sigh because we do this every time.

“Right, Hazel Lynn,” Meryl amends.

She never gets it right.

I fidget uncomfortably as she watches me for a few minutes.  I stare down at my bare toes, still kicking my feet out in front of me like I had been before she walked in, but my grip on the mattress was tightening.  I know Hazel will be here soon.

“Why isn’t Crystal here?” I ask.  I know I sound very disappointed because I actually am.  Crystal is the only one who never treats me like a child.  Hazel likes her enough to let me stay with her.

“She’s sick today,” Meryl tenses slightly as she walks over to sit beside me.  She won’t relax and I don’t blame her.  It must be scary not knowing when Hazel will show up.

But I do.  I know.

Her footsteps are quiet but they aren't the only set that I hear.  The other set is familiar and I see her bare feet stop right beside my bed.  I don’t want to look at her but I know who it is.  She doesn’t say anything right away; she doesn’t have to.  I feel sick.  I don’t want this.  Why is she here today?

Go away, Hazel.  Go away.

I look at Meryl instead.  She wasn’t young—though didn’t mean she looked old.  Not a strand of grey hair in her blond bun was visible; I'm sure she didn't have any yet.  She did however, have a few wrinkles around her mouth from smiling too much.  Her eyes were blue, in the way mine never could be.  Bright, clear, vibrant.  Mine were just like murky water.

Hazel is still standing right there, so close to me, just being silent and waiting.  I’m pretending that she isn’t there.

“Can I be alone today?” I whisper.  I’m desperately terrified, trying to show her that she should not be here without outright saying it.  Leave, Meryl, I plead silently.  Please run. Lock the door behind you.

She doesn’t.

She shakes her head and looks at me with an expression that's almost apologetic.  Almost.  “Not today, Hazel Lynn.  We need to see Doctor Jefferson today.”

I can practically hear Hazel grinning.  She loves outings.

No, no, no.

“I don’t want to.  I’m tired and I want to go back to bed.  Can’t we do it tomorrow?” I’m begging her, now.

“It’ll be fun, Lynn.  We get to see Doctor Jefferson!” Hazel finally speaks.  Her tone is sweet like honey.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that she was sincerely nice.  The truth was that I do know better and it makes me want to vomit.

Meryl still hasn’t left.  She’s sitting there, concerned.  I’m panicking internally but I’m frozen.  I can’t move.  I just stare at her, helpless.

“Hazel, you have to go in for your check up.  It’ll be quick, I promise.  You can go back to bed afterwards.” As if ‘later’ would help anyone.

“Stupid bitch can’t even get our names right, can she?” Hazel laughs bitterly and I cringe.  She's not sugar sweet anymore—she's the burning feeling when stomach acid hits your throat. “Maybe she wants to talk to me instead, Lynn?  Show her that she’s wrong.  Hit her.”

“No,” I whisper, alarmed.  I didn’t want to hit Meryl.  I just wanted to curl up and disappear so that nothing bad would happen today.

“No?” Hazel isn’t pleased and that’s even worse than going for my checkup.  I shut my eyes really tight, holding my breath.  I know what she’s going to do before she even does it.  I don’t want to let her.  Her voice is a quiet and threatening hiss in my ear.  “You don’t have the right to tell me no, Lynn.  Open your eyes.”

My body is not my own and despite how unwilling I am, my eyes fly open.  I struggle, but it’s no use.  No matter how hard I'm trying, nothing will force my limbs into doing what I want them to do.  None of it is working.  Hazel has me. 

I am her puppet. 

I am her toy.

I can’t do anything to stop it.

“Hazel Lynn?” Meryl’s voice sounds very far away.  “Are you alright?”

I want to scream, to tell her to run away while she has the chance but I can’t.  I’m silent and Hazel is taking more of me.  Suddenly there is no more Lynn, sitting on the bed with that not-so-sympathetic blonde nurse.  It’s her, it’s Hazel and she’s going to make her suffer.  It's all so horrible and I can’t even cry.

She’s using my lips to smile, bright and cheery.  I’m attempting to regain control of myself but all my efforts are in vain; she won’t give my body back until she’s bored.  Sometimes she’s nice and lets me fade into the darkness so I don’t see and won’t remember.  Other times, like right now, she makes me watch so I’ll suffer.

My hand lifts up but not of my own accord.   It’s her, brushing her fingers against Meryl’s cheek and pushing stray, unruly strands of her golden tresses behind her ear.  Meryl looks relieved that I seem so normal, so kind.

She’s so wrong.

Hazel doesn’t like you. She’s going to hurt you. Please, please, please run away, I’m shrieking but no one hears me.