rem.
why is it that I always turn to tumblr when I want to write about you?
I secretly hoped you would still be able to find my writings
I regret the mouth vomit from this morning, I wish I couldāve whispered it into the wind hoping the words would find their way to you. perhaps I said too much. perhaps I rehashed too much of the past.Ā
perhaps.
now I may never hear from you again.Ā
and just like, the wounds have opened up again and the realization that I may never get over you...sits in front of me, attempting to form itself into something tangible.
maybe if it was tangible - I could destroy it
I didnāt know I was going to cry like that. I didnāt know that I was still harboring onto that pain. I didn't know that I still loved you that much.
perhaps.
perhapsĀ I'm clinging onto the memories of myĀ āfirst loveā. I canāt bring myself to rip those pictures up, I just canāt. theyāll be hidden forever inĀ āmy treasuresā, sitting there, tempting me to look at them.Ā
I probably come off as the crazy ex girlfriend. I wouldnāt blame you for thinking that. I was a crazy girl when I was 20 years old. easily swayed by the lifestyle that promotedĀ āletting loose and forgetting real lifeā - if only I had had a better grasp on reality.
I've experienced so many amazing things over the last 5 years. things that most people wait over half of their life to see and be a part of. and yet I still feel like that 20 year old girl. ashamed of the damage I caused and forever clinging onto the guilt of the heartache I caused.
maybe this guilt reminds me thatĀ I'm human.
perhaps.
itās so easy for me to focus on work. so easy to forget that human relationships exist. why put effort into other humans when you can give your all to your career?
I hate thatĀ I'll continue to cling onto those 5 texts you sent me. you seemed calm and held your composure. but for all I know, you could be wishing me dead or that I never existed.Ā
it didnāt matter what you said - I 110% believe that I destroyed your life and the karma for that? the dreams. the most recent dream [which spiraled all of this], there you were, standing in front of me wearing a colored sweater. your hair, slightly at that skater length but not too long, just enough to create those little curls I loved so much. those green eyes peering directly into my damaged heart and you gave me the warmest smile.Ā
it felt so real
and thatās why it hurts.Ā
because it wasnāt
I hate that I remember the night we met so clearly. so silly that we were complete opposites, but for some reason, the universe told us to look up - and there you were. the person that was going to be forever imprinted as my first true love. the person that I was going to eventually destroy. the person that I will forever love.Ā
I say I donāt regret things in life. but I regret losing what we had. I thought that I would eventually get that idea out of my head but every now and then, it resurfaces.Ā
perhaps.
perhaps this feeling will fade once work begins to get busy again.
and in a years time, these emotions will come flooding back. and I will spend exactly 5 hours and 42 minutes sobbing over you. knowing that you will never love me the way that I still love you.Ā
rinse. recycle. repeat.
thank you for responding to my text.Ā I'm glad to know youāre alive and that you felt civil enough to acknowledge my existence. I hope that someday these memories will fade, not disappear but fade. into a shadow box thatĀ I'll hold onto for the rest of my life.Ā
because itās not fair. itās not fair for me to emotionally invest in other people when Iām still clinging onto the comfort you gave me.
I donāt want to forget you but I wish I could numb this agony.
thereās no point in me continuing this entry lol. we all knowĀ I'll be back. with the same wave of emotions disguised in eloquent words and enhancements for aesthetic purposes.Ā
ciao bella.
s.

















