Not Here and Not Now

RP MASTERLIST. a series of unfortunate events (netflix, books, movies) + all the wrong questions / lemony snicket

        ‘i didn’t touch a HAIR on the poor thing’s head. he just stepped onto the train tracks and– well, it’s fairly obvious what happened after that. i’m afraid he’s not even HALF the man he once was.’ with a nonchalant puff of her cigarette, inez glanced up, hardly seeming affected by the gruesome scene she had witnessed. ‘though upon further INTROSPECTION, it would be hard to claim he’s even an eighth of the man he used to be. oh well.’

“What do you mean ‘what do I mean’? I just TOLD you. Your house is probably on fire and yet you’re out here not burning and not dying. You’re welcome.”

Theodore took his time replying, pouring nearly all of the contents of the sugar bowl to the first set into the tea pot, and taking a swig right from the spout. After wiping his mouth he looked back over to Dewey, and smiled, a grim ghoulish grin, and thought of how else to play his game and waste the hotel manager’s time.

“Hm. Maybe you oughta bring them all out. Could be tricking me, the ones my boss wants might be the plain ones you ain’t showing me.” It didn’t even matter. He’d decided he was just going to take all of them anyway. But he was enjoying this.

“Do you actually have any idea which ones the Count wants?” Dewey asked curiously. Were these people really so incompetent, to come on a mission without any prior knowledge as to what they were going to be seeking out once they were there? “But if you insist.”

“Well, if you ain’t here, in this pretty damn cushy room,” his voice rose, the charm had worn off and he was getting pissy again. “You might be burning to a crisp, since that’s the plan for your home. Got it?”

“So shut your trap and draw or whatever the hell it is you want to do. As long as you stay QUIET.”

“ What?! “ October gasped, her face going pale. Why was her home on fire? For a few moments the little girl was perfectly still until she began to shake and quiver.

Theodore followed after her, languidly, bored, but no matter how far away he wound up he made sure not to lose sight of her. There wasn’t even any particular reason he was following her; his orders were to bother the actual bakers, not the delivery girl - but he couldn’t afford the baked goods at the moment and the smell of them sent his head spinning.

So he followed the girl - maybe he’d find something better to report back to the boss with. Or maybe he wouldn’t. He didn’t really care, particularly.

He studied the tea set, eyebrows raised. It sure was fancy, and hell if he knew if it was the actual tea set that held the actual sugar bowl that his boss was after, so he could just take it, and deliver it, and be done with this business.

But alas, Theodore is what is known as a Grade-A asshole.

“Why doncha set up a couple more? Can’t hurt to look at a buncha them, make sure I’m getting the real deal, got it?”

          gritting his teeth, he didn’t say a word nor let a PAINED groan escape his lips as he was shoved onto the ground once again. his head hurt and he dearly wished to be at home in bed with maybe a mug of STRONG coffee and an aspirin, but he knew he had to stay strong. he could do it if he tried. gustav’s eyes FLICKERED up to the statue in the henchman’s hand, noting all the sharp pieces though it looked like it would at least BREAK easily.

        ‘do your worst.’ he GRUNTED through his pain, glaring up at theodore.

He wasn't allowed to do anything that might actually cause permanent damage yet. Not until the Count made a grand appearance and did whatever the hell theatrics he was going to do this time. Unfortunately, the bat might actually crack the man's skull or gouge out and eye, and thus, Theodore had to do something else. Like resort to more threats.

The blow was just as ineffective as the first, and Theodore stood back up, amused. “Can’t. Won’t. It’s fer your own good, pipsqueak. Now why don’t you knock it off before you get hurt?” He felt as though the threat was clear enough.

“ What… What do you mean, for my own good? “ October sniffled out, wiping at her nose as it had begun to run from her crying. For now, she did stop the punching. She crossed her arms over her chest with a firm pout.

He dug in his ear with one pinky, wiping the wax off on the wall behind him. “S'pose I should but I’m tired of standing here. Maybe you’ll get lucky and I’ll get bored of following you around too.”

Theodore leant over, staring her right in the eyes. “Then again, if there’s anything suspicious, maybe I’ll cart you off to my boss. So you’d better shut up and get going, shouldn’t you?”

Theodore was… completely unharmed. And unimpressed. But… she reminded him of someone, so he kneeled down to her height and grinned - which, whether he was being friendly or not, was still an unnerving sight. “Got some advice for you, kid, for when you want to fight people a lot bigger than you.”

“Don’t.”

“ I… I want to fight, “ She huffed, mostly because not fighting meant admitting that she was small and could do nothing about the kidnapping. October sniffed, trying to punch again.

He growled, a deep guttural animal sound, as though he was a starving lion and not a terrible human being. Snatching the directions from the girl, he scanned it, but she was right. Nothing but addresses and orders, and not even addresses he recognized…

He shoved the now crinkled paper back into her hands. “Well, you ain’t getting rid of me yet. ‘Snot like I got anything going on today, so I think I’ll escort you. Pretty little thing like you shouldn’t be running around unsupervised, anyway.”

“ Oh? Shouldn’t you continue to scare all of our customers away by standing here and looking threatening? “ Suri sassed, hands on her hips. Nevertheless she took her directions back and examined them. Suri truly didn’t want him to come with her, but she supposed she didn’t have a choice - if she fought too much, ti would look suspicious.

        ‘sorry to be such a BURDEN to you.’ the battered filmmaker grunted out from where he was forced onto his knees. he had already been hurt plenty of times during this and the TASTE of blood was strong on his tongue. however, he continued to STRUGGLE against his restraints in response to the order.

Theodore clicked his tongue with a ‘tch’, humour dissipating. “No, moron.” He growled. “Barn animals ain’t smart enough to take a stand against dumb festivities, they’d have eaten it on or off the ground.”

“Pretty ritzy, ain’t it?” He lumbered over, flopping onto a couch that responded with a whining creak. Putting his feet up on the couch, dirt from his shoes marring the formerly clean fabric. “So ain’t we having a tea party or what? When ya gonna get on it then? Isn’t that your job?”

But alas, Theodore is what is known as a Grade-A asshole.