Kłämîśš

This was the best summer ever. Finn came out. we have Hana and George. They’re introducing us to so many fun and amazing people. I’m so grateful for my life. My husband is amazing and shows me he loves me in every way, my house is nice and i have a beautiful backyard, three dogs that drive me nuts but i love to death, and family & friends that live far but i love them so much <3

I’ve gained so much weight since we decided to move forward with immigration. I’ve gone up art least a full pant size. I can’t stop myself from self soothing. I give myself anything I want - Cigarettes, Alcohol, Food - because I feel really overwhelmed and unstable. I don’t know star irl that for c me to put boundaries in again. Maybe I never seek and i’ll just keep expending. Bigger, bigger, bigger.

I’m sitting at a random brewery in Jack London Square - Cellarmakers. I’ve had a sour and now i’m on a glass of sangria. I love drinking. I drink before work lately. I drink after work lately. I drink all the time. It helps cope with how much insanity is going on in my life. This weekend we are going back up to the river AND IM SO EXCITED! I love feeling like i’m on vacation lol.

Money is so intense to battle with. I never have enough. Where is our security deposit??? Syd & estella invited us to raggae on the river. i really want to take vlad as a birthday surprise. what are we gonna do with the dogs!!!

I’m so tired. I hate my job more and more everyday. It sucks everything out of me. I see tik toks about style and making crafts and i can’t even fathom the idea of putting more than pants and a t-shirt on. i feel connected to my body for once but now i don’t feel connected to my brain bc it’s constantly covered in fog. on top of my shitty work circumstances im also in the process of the lawsuit for getting hit by a car and going to the chiropractor twice a week. My days feel completely full. I’m so tired. I get July 19th-26th off for finn to come out and i’m so grateful so i can just sleep in for once

my therapist isn’t feeling well and had to cancel tomorrows session. i’m sad. i’m also scared bc my time is running short with this program i’m in. they’ll only see me until i’m 24

went camping w my lil family. In therapy we’re opening up a lot of shit i pushed down

my therapist confirmed that i’m 2 years in recovery from anorexia. I don’t feel like i have control over how much i eat lately - i’m constantly eating. eating too much. it feels like i’m constantly stuffed over belief and eating for a house of 12. i feel disgusting. i don’t have any control over it and it’s getting hard. like the opposite of starving myself. i can’t tell myself no. i want to starve myself so bad. i want to have the strength to be skinny again

Halloween with my best friend 2022

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I love my family. i miss my family

everyone in the TL is walking around in costumes. Sav lands tomorrow. I dress like this bc it reminds me of aunty when i was young

My life is stable right now. I have money to eat and pay my bills, i have a clean liveable home, a support system, clothes to wear and most importantly - no roaches or mice. With all of that being said i’m realizing that i need to take the time to catch up on my mental health. Realizing i’m a sensitive person and i need to recognize that in order to help myself grow. I get so frustrated sometimes. I feel really deeply. Birth control has been a really big strain on my emotions. the other day i argued with vlad a few times in one day. i cried 3 or 4 times total in a 2 hour span and i know it scared him a bit but i truly felt like i had no control over my emotions so i stopped taking birth control the next day. Sometimes i still feel like killing myself but they’re usually just moments that pass in seconds. i know how hard i fought to get here

i have a job that feeds me, a beautiful apartment that i’m proud of showing off, a dog that bites me again, and a vlad that is patient & kind - even on my moodiest days. i’m settling into the life i’ve been trying to line up for months. i’m living a v domesticated life and sometimes i feel scared. not so much partying, learning how to coexist with a partner. scary in a very rewarding way,, scary bc it’s been so long since i’ve had a long term/ serious partner. vlad is nothing like ashton. there’s a lot of times and moments where i feel so lucky and blessed to have met him. when i go to work i realize how much i miss him. i feel so content with hanging with him everyday but also trying to maintain friendships outside of him. Life feels really. really. really. good.

went partying with my mom last night and it ended horribly. I got really drunk and really scared in her coworkers car once i realized he was driving drunk & reckless af. i couldn’t stop crying and felt really embarrassed. I’m a really emotional being - this is a really stressful time in my life - i cry really often and i’m coming to terms that my mom is never going to be emotionally mature enough to support me through my feelings when i’m as upset as i was last night. I never want to think about last night again. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed

i feel alone, stressed, upset, overweight, drained, suicidal, tired, and like at any moment i could collapse. I fight roaches every morning when i go to brush my teeth and i fight roaches every night when i lay down to try and sleep. I keep all the lights on in the house at all times. I haven’t showered in 6 days bc i feel so afraid and grossed out of the bathroom. I wake up and take care of zucchini alone, a few times a week someone takes her out for the day and i get a chance to depression sleep without feeling guilty for trapping puppy in the house all day with me. I take her for walks, i feed her, i hold her, i kiss her, we’re the only two that have no where else to go but this roach motel and in a few days i’ll never see her again. It’s hard to look at her and it’s hard to think about it. I cry at night thinking about it. i cry when i think about how badly i wanted to move her out to CA with me. i cry when i think about the last 6 months her and i spent together almost everyday. I cry when i think about the hikes we used to go on every weekend and the dog food brand she has to eat so her stomach dosent get messed up. I cry when i think about how much i didn’t care for her when we first got her and how badly i wish i could reverse time and plan better to move her out with me. I feel like my baby is being ripped from me and i have no say. it feels hard to be snuggled up in the same bed together at night knowing in 4 days it’s never again but it feels harder knowing if i didn’t snuggle up with her in my bed she would be alone in the living room at night. i feel heartbroken. feel drained. feel like i didn’t do enough or fight hard enough or plan hard enough to keep her in my care. I love zucchini and that hurts really bad