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This is addressed to the wife, partner, girlfriend or other who has just discovered that the man in your life secretly wears feminine lingerie at times. Quite how you discovered this is not important, so much as how you react to it. That in turn will depend on a number of variables including your upbringing, your faith, your education, and your expectations of your relationship.

The revelation is probably a shock and leaves you with a turmoil of feelings and questions. Is he gay? Is he having an affair. Does he not love me?

First, calm down and realize that it is unlikely to be the end of your world or the end of your relationship. Your man cross dresses, expressing a deep seated feminine side of him that you did not know about because he has endeavoured to keep it a secret from you, fearing to damage a relationship he holds as very important to him.

Interestingly, men who cross dress are far more common than one would think. It is not a perversion but an expression of something that is a part of him, something he probably realized as a teen or young man and something that he has likely been ambivalent about ever since, cycling through guilt and grudging acceptance several times over.

There is in fact a wide scale between what our culture has tended to simplify as a binary system of ‘male’ and ‘female’. Your man is a little way along that scale, to all intents and purposes a male and comfortable to be so, but with an added feminine component which our culture provides very little way for him to express. Ironically, women in our modern culture can dress either in frilly feminine clothes or very masculine clothing without comment. The same latitude is not given to men, and should they publicly wear anything that is in the slightest feminine, they are called ‘sissies’, ‘queers’ or other insulting names. Cruelly, our culture has defined ‘men’ in a very narrow and confining way.

Interestingly, our native, indigenous culture has long recognized ‘Two Spirit’ people, further recognizing that such people have value among them as those with an empathy for, respect for and understanding of both primary genders. Such people are respected, not reviled.

Is he having an affair? No, those feminine items are not souvenirs of some sordid affair. He likely bought these things, one by one, on those rare occasions that the opportunity arose. He keeps these things hidden somewhere, fearing your reaction if discovered.

Is he gay? Some cross dressers are, but most are not so inclined. However, cross dressers are often attracted to other men who cross dress, when dressed, though not to men dressed as men. There is a long term for this condition, likely odd to you.

Does he still love you? Yes. Ironically, statistics show that the majority of cross dressers in a steady relationship greatly value their relationship with their partner. This increases

their fear of damaging this relationship. Most cross dressers yearn to be better understood by their partners

The worst thing you can do is to insist your man throw away his stash of feminine clothes and promise never to even think of doing such a thing ever again. He will promise. He values you highly. He will try to keep such a promise. But he will not be able to in the long run. You will simply have driven him further into the depths of the closet.

The better alternative is to accept the situation, recognizing that this is not going to go away and that there is some wisdom in the old adage ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’. The vast majority of cross dressers are ‘sometimes’ dressers, with no wish to live full time as women.

One response could be to accept that your man needs to occasionally express his feminine side, give him specific opportunities to do so, but state that you do not wish to be directly involved. It would likely be a huge relief for him to shed the cloak of secrecy, no longer fearing your unexpected early return home and the trauma of discovery.

Another response is to take an active role. Some partners help their men when shopping for clothes, either in the store or online. Some partners enjoy secretly knowing what their man is wearing under male outer clothes while out visiting with friends or at dinner and a show. Some couples buy matching sets of underwear or nightwear and enjoy wearing them together. Some incorporate cross dressing into their sex life, role playing and enjoying sex while fully or partly dressed. The range of possible responses is wide. Outright rejection is an unwise choice and will inevitably sour or ultimately ruin your relationship.

That your man is less of a man than other men you know is a false supposition. Think of him as more than a man. The current terminology is ill defined and confusing, but think of him as a man who has a female persona beneath the surface, perhaps well hidden but yearning to be expressed.

Yes, there is a risk in opening any door into your relationship. A few cross dressing men ultimately cross a threshold and seek to live full time as women, perhaps entering new relationships with others similarly inclined. A few may even commit to surgical procedures that confirm their new gender identity.

But, this essay addresses the vast majority of men who seek ‘sometimes’ to express a feminine side of themselves that is suppressed by our western culture. They seek to be better understood, not vilified. Please give them space to be who they fully are.

PS Readers, if you can use this letter yourself or know of someone to whom this would be helpful, please feel free to repost or copy.

I long to live in a world where upon entering a lingerie store men can shop for their own panties and lingerie sets without being judged.

I long to see the day where men, whether they're submissive or not, can proudly lay out their items on the counter and receive the same laundry or other advice us women get.

THE PERFECT UNDERWEAR 

(I’m not sure I would agree)

Because I spend a fair amount of time (okay, sometimes excessive amounts of time) blogging about underwear, shopping for underwear, and so on, I frequently have ads like this pop up on my social media. The seller, www.theperfectunderwear.com has a video on Facebook showing a woman modeling these, that makes the claim these are underwear, “so good, your girlfriend will steal it.” On their website, there are photos of two men and a women all wearing them. 

Men who prefer to wear women’s underwear, by whatever name they are referred to, often protect a secret known only to a few. I am one of those men.

Articles in my blog recount the story. My path to becoming a man who has a preference for wearing panties, rather than the underwear men are, “supposed to wear.” Over the last 15 years or so, I have acquired hundreds of panties, in styles, colors, patterns and fabrics too numerous to recall. I have worn some out, and become tired or bored with others. I have left them, lost them, given them away, and discarded them. I have been a member of Tumblr and Flickr, and have sought or visited other sites catering to men who share my affinity – fetish or predilection – for wearing women’s underwear. I find them irresistible, and am fascinated by the never-ending variety. Panties are the most interesting articles of clothing I wear, and I give more thought and consideration to those I put on every day than any other garment. I sincerely find them more comfortable, and like how they look and feel on my body. Seeing myself in them, motivates me to maintain a trim, fit, masculine physique and to trim or shave body hair, particularly pubic hair which I find unattractive unless closely trimmed on men, or women.

My wife knows I wear panties, and only panties. She is somewhat ambivalent at times, and typically gives no more attention to the panties I am wearing than her own; regarding them as a utilitarian garment, more so than one of allure, intrigue, fun or a personal expression as I do. Over the years, she has indulged my affinity by shopping for underwear with me, and once or twice, buying me panties. She has modeled beside me in matching panties; a happy event, arousing. Occasionally, she indulges how excitable I can sometimes become while wearing them as she touches me through the thin, silky, soft fabric; just as a man might do for a woman. You can imagine my reaction.

At times, she will remind me when my panties are ‘showing’. Peeking over the waistband of my shorts or pants, where someone might catch a glimpse of them. She would rather this not happen.  My wife’s anxiety over my being ‘discovered’ is more acute than my own. At the same time,  I am somewhat hopeful that someone will notice the scalloped trim, lace, satin or other characteristics of ‘women’s panties’  rather than the pain elastic of underwear one might typically expect a man to wear. I would welcome the attention or notice; provided it was kind, genuine and affirming – which no man who wears panties really expects. 

I have shared my preference for panties personally and openly with very few others. My brother knows. He shares my fetish; though his is manifested more in a fascination with tiny men’s swimwear, (i.e. Speedos).  My massage therapist, a gay man. An old college sweetheart and lover. Men I have become acquainted with online, only a few of whom I have ever met in person. I have worn panties openly in the presence of my dermatologist, for other medical exams and in public, men’s locker rooms. No one has ever taken notice, asked about or challenged by choice. Over the years, I have modeled many, many panties for the camera, and have shared or posted hundreds of images online for affirmation, admiration, excitation, and to invite thoughtful conversation.

Part of me would like it if my fascination with panties were not a closely held secret, known by so few, but was something about me that was as obvious and open as other choices in clothing, or other aspects of my personality and individual preferences. I would love to flaunt it like women sometimes do, showing a subtle wisp of my soft, lacy, colorful lingerie.

I find it odd, that in today’s culture of openness about sexual and gender identity, and many other lifestyle choices, men like myself who wear panties are still so much in the shadows. Guarded. Unwilling to identify themselves by name, or in photographic images. Some not even sharing their fetish with wives or girlfriends; hiding an entire wardrobe of undergarments.

Little has been written on the topic. Scientific or academic papers or books on the subject are almost nonexistent. Few people have any awareness or understanding of the difference between men who wear panties (and perhaps other lingerie or other women’s clothing) and cross dressers. Many wrongly assume men who wear panties must be bisexual, gay or transgender; and while some are, wearing panties is indeterminate of no other choice, or lifestyle, or trait. While LGBTQ support groups abound, with members holding meetings at churches and across the most conservative communities worldwide, I am unaware of any similar support or affinity group for men who wear panties.

And what if someone did find out? What if someone inadvertently saw that a man was wearing panties under his ‘gender-appropriate attire’?  Caught a glimpse of the lacy waistband, satin, silk or nylon fabric, or colorful, flowery pattern of “his panties”? THAT is the anxiety, fear or worry that seems most troublesome to men I have spoken to, or corresponded with. It is the thing that is most bothersome to men who share this affinity, and have made the choice to wear panties rather than something else. THAT is the thing, it seems, that strikes fear into their heart. The dread of ridicule. The sadness of being bullied. The stigma or being labelled or defined by the ignorance of others.

Oddly, unlike many other personal choices, the choice to wear women’s underwear, rather than men’s, harms no one. It poses none of the risks of alcohol or drugs, careless driving, or other unsafe behaviors.

Even if you are a man who wears women’s underwear (panties), or are the partner of one who does, are you certain that you would not be taken aback or show surprise, if tomorrow you learned that a man you know wears panties? You shouldn’t be. Any man, married or single, of any ethnicity, gender identity, sexual orientation, age, religion, nationality, or profession might have made the same choice that many other men have. HE MIGHT BE WEARING PANTIES!

Happy New Year 2019.

I am a happily married man, fortunate to have discovered years ago that I have a preference for panties. I start each day by slipping on a pair of ‘women’s’ underwear, that I find to be more comfortable than nearly any made for men. My preference developed quite naturally, without any of the kinkiness or perversions some might imagine. As a teen in the mid-1970′s, I preferred men’s bikini underwear styles, in nylon fabric, and a range of colors including pink and red, that some would have viewed as too feminine for a boy. The underwear I chose to wear back then were an alternative to the unattractive, ill-fitting white ‘jockey’ underwear, with the useless fly front that were considered more socially acceptable. I was teased by other boys who saw what I was wearing in the high school locker room, and some bullied me with gay epithets (a word, phrase, or expression used invectively as a term of abuse or contempt). A person’s choice of any clothing – including undergarments of course – have nothing to do with sexual orientation.

During my college years, I only wore what were considered ‘fashion’ men’s underwear; typically styles and fabrics that others would have disapproved of because they often didn’t “look manly, or what men’s underwear, where supposed to look like.” What they didn’t know, and never had a chance to appreciate was my girlfriends, and later my wife seemed to like what I wore, and complimented me on my choices.

Fashion men’s underwear, and panties for men (sometimes called ‘manties’) that many still consider to be racy styles and fabrics too feminine-looking for a man, or worse, gay, now available on sites like BodyAware and XDress are a nice alternative, but they can be expensive. (XDress does have a very thoughtful, well written blog for men who wear panties and their products; recommended reading.) I purchased and wore various ‘girly’ men’s underwear for years. Then one day while on a business trip in 2003, as I bravely ventured into the intimates section of a Target store by myself, I discovered that the seamless, black Gilligan O’Malley bikini panties (a Target brand) were nearly identical to the men’s underwear I preferred. I made my first panty purchase that day.

Wearing them at home, in the presence of my wife, I was a bit self-conscious at first. But my first panties were so unisex in their design, I don’t know that my wife even noticed. For a while, I only wore women’s panties occasionally, embarrassed in my own mind I suppose, that I was wearing something men weren’t supposed to wear. Eventually, I became more daring in the selections of women’s underwear I wore. It was a gradual process, and for a long time I shied away from panties that were too sheer, or had bows or lace trim, staying with designs that I thought might pass for the bikini style men’s underwear my wife was used to seeing me in. At first, more feminine-looking styles made me self-conscious, even though I was the only one who knew what I was wearing under my ‘gender-appropriate’ attire.

When I started to wear panties that could not be mistaken for men’s underwear, ones that were prettier and more feminine, by wife did once comment that, “men don’t wear panties.” But since that clearly was not the case with me, she simply accepted my choice, and seemed to come to terms with me affinity, or if you like, fetish.

Some think of wearing panties as a fetish – there, I said it – although the definition of the word doesn’t really fit. Predilection: a tendency to think favorably of something in particular; partiality; preference, is really a more accurate definition in my mind. Some also get my predilection confused with crossdressing, but that’s wrong. Tri-Ess, is an educational, social and support group for heterosexual crossdressers, their partners, the spouses of married crossdressers and their families. You can of course visit the site for more information about what crossdressing means to the society, but in a nutshell, crossdressers dress to emulate femininity, clothed in dresses, stockings and bras, wearing wigs and make-up. Some really strive to pass as a woman; some are pretty attractive and convincing.

It is not my ambition or goal to emulate femininity by wearing panties, and I have no desire to wear dresses or wigs, or to otherwise make myself look like a woman. I am a very masculine man, healthy and fit.  Most of the time, I’m the only one who knows what I am wearing underneath my trousers or shorts. Getting comfortable with wearing panties everyday has broadened my interest – and lessened my anxiety – about wearing other nondescript women’s clothing, and I occasionally wear shorts, tights or leggings, bathing suit bottoms or other outer garments made for women, provided such attire is otherwise appropriate in public. I own several camisoles and wear them like any other undershirt; a bit of lace trim the only thing that, if anyone caught a glimpse, might give me away. I’ve purchased a couple matching bra and panty sets from XDress, but since I don’t have breasts, wearing a bra seems genuinely odd and unnecessary to me; though it’s fine for those men who like them.

Over the years, I have done most of my shopping for panties by myself, in department stores or at retail stores like TJMaxx and Ross. I prefer shopping in stores, to online, since it is easier to judge which panties will be a good fit. I have no reservation or apprehension about doing so, and am bolt enough to try them on if in doubt about the fit, just as any good female shopper would be. Most sales associates are polite and accommodating, and even helpful. My wife has shopped with and for me a few times, but now, I believe she thinks shopping for, or buying any more panties for me, is ridiculous.

It pleases me that we have some matching panties, identical except for the size, or color. Panties are a very affordable alternative to men’s underwear of any description. They are much more economical, especially for someone who has purchased as many as I have, and the number of choices available is endless. Really, endless. You can select from different colors, prints, fabrics, bikinis, thongs, briefs, boy shorts; the list goes on, and on. Early on, back when I hadn’t gotten as comfortable with this aspect of my personality, and non-conforming expression of my gender, I did have a couple episodes of purging…getting rid of all my panties. I wrongly believed that by doing so I would lose my interest in wearing them. It didn’t work for me, and I don’t believe it would work for anyone, any more than conversion therapy makes gay men straight.

Even though I have come to terms, so to speak, with being a man who wears panties, it remains something that very few others know about. Many men are secretive about their preference, and some, sadly, hide it from their wife. It is a topic that fills many men with anxiety, and there remains a lot hesitation to talk openly about it, or to disclose any personal details, even with other like-minded men online. That’s pretty odd when you think about it, especially when it’s now acceptable to share so many other details about our identity and personal preferences with others.

I have shared the fact that I wear women’s underwear with a few close friends, both male and female, and have met a couple other men online. Interestingly, my half-brother, who is four years older shares a fetish for panties, although his is manifested by a collection of brief, bikini bathing suits than undies. Others probably suspect, but have never mentioned it. Today, while I haven’t ‘come out’, and don’t disclose the fact that I wear panties to many, I don’t do much to hide the obvious fact either. Again, as part of a long transition, I used to keep a couple pair of men’s underwear on hand for when I had to go to the doctor. I’ve adapted, and now wear women’s panties, but wear some that aren’t obviously made for a woman – no lace, or bows! My wife remains more anxious about someone catching a glimpse of my panties, peeking out of my waistband than I am, and reminds me when they’re showing, to avoid being embarrassed.

According to Katie and Laura, owners of Fancy Satin Panties, a stranger, or my wife’s friends seeing my panties is like my friends seeing her bare breasts: if you both agree on it, then it is okay! But she should not be telling her friends without our agreement, and I shouldn’t be either. It’s just common mutual respect.  I agree with what they have written in their guide to men wearing women’s panties. It is about the most honest look at the subject as anything I have read anywhere. Unfortunately, for men and women who are genuinely curious about why men would prefer to wear panties, are trying to reconcile with the practice for their own peace of mind, or who think it’s some sort of abnormality that needs psychotherapy to deal with it (which is absurd), there’s not much to go on. Very little research exists, and there’s not much in scientific or academic literature.

Is wearing panties my kink? Do I become physically aroused by merely wearing them? Is it naughty? The simple answer – maybe, sometimes. My favorite panties are my newest panties. I can’t wait to try them on, and wear them. One of my only regrets, is that I own so many, I don’t get to wear them all, as often as I would like. As mentioned before, the variety is never ending, and I remain fascinated all the choices. Some are very practical for men, styled and cut to, shall we say, accommodate a male’s anatomy quite well. Others, like any garment, aren’t a good match for my physique. Oddly, thongs seem to be a style that is viewed with some derision where male wearers are concerned, the implication being you must be, ‘a little gay’ to wear them. Men wore thongs before women, and it terms of how when they fit to, and accommodate our anatomy, they make more sense for a man than for a woman – think about it…!

Special, sexy panties? Well, just like women may have panties for every day, and for special occasions when they want to look and feel sexier, so do I. To an extent, looking good in anything I wear is what motivates me to stay fit, and not get fat. You’d have to ask my wife, but I think I look pretty good in panties. Naturally, it is apparent – sometimes obviously apparent – that what’s in my panties is different from what’s in hers, but that’s part of what makes wearing them so much fun. And, it’s what’s left to the imagination that is most arousing. I really appreciate when she notices I am wearing something new, or hearing her say mine are cute. Just as a women may like to tease their lover, or be teased by him while wearing pretty lingerie, I think that’s nice too. It kind of stands to reason, if lingerie is made for women because men like it, why wouldn’t men who like wearing it themselves find it playful and pleasurable for their lover to take notice, and lavish some attention on them?