I feel like I basically dropped off the face of the planet, and for that I apologize. I have no excuses, except stress and mental health have been a huge problem lately and Iâve just been trying to find balance in my life. I canât promise anything in the near future, with holidays coming up, and I have finals in like 3 weeks, and then my husband and I are moving at the end of the year, and then my little sisterâs wedding is a few weeks after so Iâm helping with that, and basically my life is just a mess right now, but I am still working on stuff, comments are always welcome and really do help to get me motivated, and hopefully I can get back into the groove of writing daily and posting weekly!
This story is probs gonna be a part 1 of 2. Hopefully. As is, I wanted it to be a stand alone, but Iâve been drafting it for almost a month now and I just want to throw it at you guys. So know Iâm working on a part 2, where they talk about the whole thing and you see everyoneâs reactions to what happened. This was actually a request someone made of me on my Ao3 account, but Iâve always loved reading stories dealing with everyone finding out about Lance dying. Just never thought I could do it justice haha. Anyway, hope you enjoy!
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Lance knew that this was going to be an emotional day for all of them, but seriously, this was a little overkill. He knew he shouldnât have gotten out of bed today.
Sure, it was the one-year anniversary of the day they all saved the universe, ended the war that had gone on for decades, blah blah blah, but getting up also meant that he was going to have to see everyone again.
Not that he wasnât thrilled to see them! He and Hunk especially had been waiting for this day for months, and he couldnât wait to see Pidge and Matt again, either. Last Lance had talked to them, they had been working on some seriously neat stuff. They were sure to be a lot of fun.
Hell, he had even been looking forward to seeing Allura again, even though things had never really been the same between them after Allura broke things off. Though, considering how hurt he was still feeling about their break up, it was probably a good thing she had canceled last minute. Sheâd said that she needed to focus on helping the universe heal. Lance had wanted to go with her, but she rejected him. He knew she was trying to be kind, telling him that he âdeserved the time to restâ and that she âknew how much heâs been missing his home planet.â But really, all it had done was serve to remind him that he wasnât actually necessary.
Not like Shiro and Keith were.
Allura hadnât had any problems taking them with her, even though everyone else (even Keith) and agreed that if anyone deserved the down time, it was Shiro. Especially since Shiro had seemed a little weary when he accepted the invitation from Allura. Personally, Lance believed the only reason he agreed to go was because he knew that Keith wouldnât be happy staying in one place anymore, and of course, there was no way they were going to allow themselves to be separated again, not after everything that had happenedâŚ
And Lance was even looking forward to seeing Keith and Shiro, since he had probably missed them the most. But he also knew that it was going to be hard. It was always hard seeing them together, but knowing that theyâve been doing so much good out in the universe, that theyâve gotten to see so much more of those worlds than he had⌠That was going to be hard.
Not to mention Lance still hadnât managed to shake the crushes heâd had on them for so long now.
Or the fact that while everyone else was off changing the universe, traveling the galaxies, creating newer and better technology and inventions, Lance had done nothing? Okay, so farming wasnât nothing. And no one could deny that Earth needed some TLC after the trauma of the war had nearly destroyed it. But as much as he enjoyed the simple hard work involved, that didnât mean he didnât understand it was stupid. It was pathetic. His friends were still fighting, in their own ways, and Lance felt as if he had simply given up. He couldnât figure out what he wanted to spend his time doing, what felt most worthy of his time and attention, and so he had allowed himself to fall back on something easy.
And he wasnât sure that he could face his friends while knowing the truth about himself, that he was a coward and had no mission or goals in life.
So, maybe Lance was a bit of a drama queen, because things had actually been going better than he expected. Everyone looked good, older and more experienced. Hunk had even grown out some facial hair, though it was a little sparse coming in. Lance knew that wouldnât be the case for very long. The most shocking was Alluraâs news about expecting a child (Keith and Shiro had passed it on in her absence). That hurt way more than Lance thought had a right to, but he tried hard to suppress that pain until he could process it in private. Possibly while crying over a tub of ice cream.
And as far as their actual dinner and celebration went, well⌠it really had been inevitable that their discussion would become heavier. And, as usual, Lance couldnât keep his own mouth shut.
âWe had some good times, though, right?â Lance laughed easily, trying to direct the conversation back to something lighter, something easier (at this point heâd had a couple decades to cement his masks, and he was good at pretending like nothing was wrong). âI mean, we might have been injured, and torturedââ
âLance,â Hunk warned. He darted a quick, concerned look to Keith and Shiro, but thankfully neither of them looked too worried. Instead, they were staring at Lance with such sappy looks Hunk was irritated Lance wasnât paying enough attention to notice on his own. A shared glance with Pidge told him that at least he wasnât alone in his annoyance.
Lance continued thoughtlessly, âand I mean, maybe a couple of us died, but hey! In the end, it all turned out okay, and look at everyone, living their best lives!â (Lance was firmly ignoring the fact that he had spent most of his free time leading up to today pouting in bed. No one else knew, and therefore it didnât count.)
Pidge opened her mouth, but Shiro spoke first. His brows were furrowed, and his nose had scrunched up a little. Lance wanted to melt at the cuteness of it. âDid someone else die? I thought I was the only one. Who else died?â
Lanceâs jaw snapped shut. He couldnât remember if it had even been brought up or not⌠It had to have, right? Thereâs no way his friends â his team â had just gone on for this long without knowing! He thought they were just ignoring it! Things had been crazy, and theyâd never really gotten a chance to slow down and breathe, let alone discuss everything that had happened. And that was fine! That was to be expected! But now he was supposed to believe they just didnât know??? Did that mean they didnât care? That they didnât notice all the nightmares that had become the norm after his death? The way he was jumpier for months after that battle? And if that were the case, then was it even worth bringing up now, so long after it had happened?
Lanceâs face was burning, the warm flush traveling up to the tips of his ears, and possibly all the way down his neck. He could feel his eyes welling up, but he brushed it away, pretending his face palm in order to hide the movement. He glanced at his friends, unsurprised to find Hunk staring at him intently. Pidge was muttering to herself, obviously trying to determine what had happened on her own. Lance couldnât even bear to drag his gaze to Keith or Shiro.
He tried to get out of answering Keith.
âOops haha, mustâve miscounted, I meant to say that one of us had died,â Lance laughed again but unlike earlier, this one was decidedly uncomfortable. âBecause. Obviously. One of us⌠did. Sorry, Shiro. But like, you died. That happened. And it was weird and we got a weird clone out of the deal, which was weird â did I say that already? â and like he wasnât a great dude, so Iâm glad you didnât stay dead, you know? Youâre much nicer than that clone was, he was kind of a jerk. No offense, Shiro. I mean, not that youâre the clone or anything, cause youâre Shiro, and that was Not-Shiroââ
Oh dear God why wouldnât they shut him up? Lance was so busy panicking about what he was saying that he didnât notice Shiro and Keith slowly standing, approaching him from each side. But Hunk and Pidge could almost see the concern rising off them.
âBut he was mean, and he yelled at us a lot. Although I guess he really spent most of his time yelling at me, which really, makes sense, but again, not something you wouldâve done, Shiro, so Iâm glad you didnât stay dead or anything, because Not-Shiro was a terrible replacement andââ
âShiro yelled at you?â Keith had come close enough that he could lay a warm, gentle hand on Lanceâs shoulder. Lance almost flinched at the contact, it had been so long since someone had touched him like that. Sure, he saw his family way more often than he had while they were fighting in space, but, come on. They were fighting in space. He never saw them back then! Anything was an improvement over that! Anyway, the point was, he knew he was lonely. He ignored it. It didnât matter. His friends were happy, his family was safe.
âWerenât you listening when I said it was Not-Shiro?â was all Lance could think to say. Keith rolled his eyes.
âWhy did he yell at you?â Shiro asked. Lance shrugged.
âLance had some good advice to share. Though honestly, Iâm thinking that Lanceâs plan just wouldnât have suited the cloneâs purposes and he wanted to make sure that Lance would stop pushing. So he yelled, knowing that would be enough to shut Lance down,â Hunk said. He shot Lance an apologetic look as he did so. Smart, because Lance was Not Happy with him. Now wasnât the time to share petty hurts!
âPersonally, I believe it was because if anyone was going to find out he wasnât really Shiro, it wouldâve been you,â Pidge shrugged. And really, et tu, Pidge? This wasnât fair at all. Not to mention, now Lance could feel the now-familiar guilt from knowing he hadnât been able to tell.
And that was what finally had Lance speaking up. âOh come on, guys, thatâs not even the worst any of us suffered out there! Lotor joined the team! I died! Shiro died! Keith left! We had bigger things to deal with!â
There was a brief silence following this, long enough for Lance to squeeze his eyes shut and briefly mutter âFuckâ to himself, and thenâ
âWhat do you mean, you died?â
Lanceâs ability to make things worse every time he opens his mouth really should be considered a wonder of the world.
He opened his eyes hesitantly to find that everyone was watching him intently. Tears were welling in Hunkâs eyes, and Lance knew that if he paid too much attention to his friend, then he would break almost instantly. He avoided looking in that direction, lips pursed shut, determined to stay quiet now. But they were just as determined to make him talk.
âLance, please, what happened?â and since when the hell does Pidge beg? Thatâs just wrong. But effective, because that wrongness made Lance jerk his head up, eyes accidentally locking with Shiro.
âIt really wasnât a huge deal, I was just saying that there was a lot happening. It was pretty much impossible for all of us to keep up with each other, what with Lotor and Allura, and Keith disappearing then coming back, and the search for Shiro⌠and Hunk, Pidge, you guys had a great team thing going on there. That was a lot of fun! And then remember Coran had us playing Monsters and Mana? Good times!â
âYou played what?â Keith asked, confused. Then he shook his head. âStop distracting us, Lance. Answer the questions.â
âUm. What questions?â
Keithâs face hardened, eyes doing that dangerous flinty thing that Lance had always loved to see when he got mad. But before he could say anything, Lanceâs phone went off. He really did try to hide the relief on his face as he stood, but the way Shiro set his jaw made him think he was not successful.
Before Lance could answer the call, he felt his phone plucked from his fingers. He lunged for it, and Keith slipped it into his own back pocket, out of Lanceâs reach. Even worse, his lunge for it brought their faces way too close. Lance jerked back, face flaming a bright red, but he felt himself crash back into Shiroâs firm, solid chest. He started to stammer apologies, but Keithâs hands settled on Lanceâs shoulders, pulling him away, and then he and Shiro pushed him back down into his chair. As Shiro moved to kneel next to Lanceâs chair, Keith held him there, grounding and sure. He leaned down, putting his mouth close to Lanceâs ear and then murmured âPlease. We need to know. Weâre horrible friends for not already knowing, but weâre asking now and we need you to tell us. Let us help.â And Shiro gripped Lanceâs arm, thumb smoothing against his darker skin, making it harder and harder for Lance to want to move.
Lance knew that they were blowing this out of proportion. But he still felt touched. Heâd thought they were just ignoring his death because other things were happening at the same time, but maybe that wasnât really the case. Maybe they truly hadnât known. Maybe Allura had never said anything, and Lance, expecting Allura to say something, hadnât said anything either, and so maybe they just didnât know. Maybe sharing it now would be okay.
