whispers in the void

that old tangle, the old patterns, the creative flow completely blocked again

in other words, I've tried to record some videos. again. and it's ... when I play them throuh in my head, thing flow perfectly. i record them, of course they turn out differently than in my head, but that's fine, that's what I've come to expect

but then - I get stuck. overthinking. overanalysing. and I can't even tell anymore whether the feeling of "eeehhh, not quite" is authentic or coming from the judgmental perfectionist still living inside

ack, even this is kind of writing up the hill.

writing, let's go back to that for a bit, I had this realisation last night in bed that what gets me really excited, right now, when it comes to creative writing, is not so much the writing, the story telling. the PLOT of something. I'm interested in the details. Like, I read this fanfiction, and the last chapter was the fictional discography of one of the main characters. and that really sparked something. I got so excited, like, THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO WRITE

and I remembered that as a teenager, thinking up characters and their stories was way more interesting to me than actually telling the story from the poin where we meet them onwards.

like, think tolkien, but instead of languages, I'd make up people, and instead of world history, I'd make up their history. and then lose intereset.

and as I was lying in bed and thinking about that, yeah, there was this feeling sense of excitement, of joy. of wanting to do that, express that way

right now, I can't bring that feeling back, mostly because I think the mind already went into stuckness-loops over the video thing

the video thing

the writing

like, what exactly IS that feeling right now? it's not really anger. frustration. actually, I think it's panic over not being able to get it right. yeah, that's what it feels like.

like way back in school, I'm sitting a written exam, the clock is ticking down, I'm not finished, I try to rush but now nothing is working, nothing is clicking, I'm blanking entirely and still trying to make this work, get this right/done/finished/complete

THAT'S the feeling.

huh. how do I get myself out of this?

and I so much want out from under this particular shadow, this blockage. there is the feeling underneath, beyond, of simply fun and exploration, curiosity and joy and I KNOW THIS IS MY SOUL

and my consciousness is stuck here, in the panic, the perfectinism, and the panic of not being perfect and right and UGH

so. deep breath. too much attention to the stuckness-loop will only reinforce it. trying to push through it will only reinforce it.

how can I go around it?

there is the sense of, soften, let go, relax, LET YOURSELF SINK DOWN, and I will be able to, like, tunnel under the stuckness and be free

the stuckness is pretty loud. and there is someone very small inside who is very afraid of the stuckness

and another part that is almost paralysed by fear of: I'm feeling the freedom now, but if I make a wrong move, it will catch me and then I will become trapped again and forget what it's like to be free, to feel safe

interesting.

and actually, that kind of goes with the realisation of last week, with the ripples of that realisation, boiling down to:

what is invited is to find new ways of expressing and creating

that is very clear in the feeling, actually. even right now. the mind is flapping and flailing, like, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? what does that look like? how do????

and I'd like to tell the mind, let it know that this is not about doing. this is really about being.

this is not about getting the words right

this is not about getting the expression right, even

this is about getting the energy right

the rest doesn't matter all that much.

remember? creating for the sake of creating, with the outcome a nice bonus on top? a very distant second priority?

that's how we create artworks.

so, your question, dear mind is now this: how can you take what we learnt from creating art and apply this to creating video?

look, the "old" way of creating isn't working anymore. at all. you know this. I know this. so why keep trying to make it work, when we both know it won't? ever?

can we try something new? can we try - to let feeling drive? just this once? for a test video?

remember, the one of me just babbling was better in quality of sound and light AND ALSO SHORTER than anything we tried to record when coming from a vaguel remembered script.

huh

huh

hm

yeah, so, I don't kow if it's actually possible to do that right now, I have a panicky feeling running around in my sacrum. but it's certainly something to sit with and contemplate and FEEL INTO

and actually, it's a good question: CAN I make a video about a certain topic WITHOUTH coming from a script?

it's certainly something to try ...

I need that, I need to remember how that feels, just the joy of typing without any destinatin

I lost that, I think through academic writing, certainly the master's thesis, where you basically do write like that: fix a point where you want to go and then write towards it. a theory, or proving a point, or whatever.

and I can do that, sure. I'll also be in pain the entire time, soul pain, because this is so opposite to how the soul expresses

that was the big huge realisation the other day. I've spent so much time thinking about it that I don't want to reshash the whole thing again.

still want to make a video about this. or do I? or is it more that I feel I should, so that I have something to post on instagram? something authentic, for people to get drawn to?

I don't know.

and to be honest, I'd rather not, either.

I'm really tired of all this thinking planning plotting efforting

I would love for the mind to let go

or the ego, the I-construct to be able to let go

like, really let go, really go with the feeling, go with the flow

it feels so so different to what I always thought it would

to what the "I" always thought it would

it is different, so different. beautiful. and so soft, so effortless! like, the is nothing fixed in there, everything in flow, nothing sharp, it's all soft soft soft, no pain, it's so beautiful

at this point I can't even say that I want this. because the I cannot want this. the I doesn't understand how this can be, how this can function

consciousness does. self does. look, I - self in this case - can SEE IT! can FEEL IT!. IT'S RIGHT THERE SO EASY WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS SO HARD ON YOURESELF???

that is the mosts heartbreaking, painful thing to realise. all this suffering, the pain, the struggles, the constant spinning around in circles trying to chase my own tail - it's only funny in cute cat videos - all of that is something that I AM DOING TO MYSELF

and sure, sure, I didn't decide to do that to myself (or maybe I did?). it's all old patterns of thought and behaviour, learnt in school and from parents and grandparents and teachers and friends and society. how a human being has to function.

and it's all so much bullshit.

seriously. it is.

and I can see that, know that, FEEL that.

still I get in my own way, run the old patterns, the old behaviourisms.

because I need to function. the machine has to fit into the system.

I'm not a machine, though. I don't have to fit into anything (not even my clothes if I don't want to!).

but of course, if I don't have to fit ... then who am I? what am I? how am I??

and there is something in me - the soul - that is really excited about these questions, about the idea of having the slate wiped clean and EXPLORING all of these things. if I am not a machine in the system - who am I? who is this I? what is this I? how does it act, how does it express?

how does being work? how does being in this world work? how does navigating this system without being trapped into it work?

ACK, soul, why are you getting so excited about this, don't you know that this is BLOODY TERRIFYING?????

I know, soul doesn't care about that, soul isn't here for safety, for security. soul is here to have an exploration. an experience. that's what soul is getting excited for.

and I get it! part of the self is really excited, too, very curious about all the options!

and yet, part of me is looking at all of this - and sees the ground unravel beneath her feet, sees EVERYTHING unravel, free-fall into the void

I believe this is what people call death of the ego

and sometimes enlightenment

I don't feel very enlightened.

mostly, I feel terrified

because it's there. it's coming. the void is coing closer

and

yes

okay

to flow from presence is amazing

but there has to be that final step first

death

of the ego

an ending

deep breath

I am not for sale

there is no light beyond the gates

of morning

and why would I want to go there anyway?

this is not a confession

this is an expression

maybe

a scream, a cry

tell me how I feel

tell me what this is

tell me

who

I am

because there is no one

only the shrill whistle screaming of the mind trying to

make sense of this there is no sense

in this of this anyway anywhere there is nothing

nothing

nothing

nothing but

everything

it's getting crowded in here

why are you looking like that? I do not claim

to make sense, to be sane in this world of

systemic insanity

but I will be gone

ere long.

but what is time, only a sense

only an illusion a lie

and I

am not

not this

not small

but all of this

or rather, I do, and I wish I didn’t. I think  that’s kind of what the last big shift has released, what is floating around now and wants to be looked at and worked with: the different layers of self-deception

not that I remember right now what they are. they’re very tricky, hard to see, almost impossible to hold on to. I remember that I tripped over two different things. not that I remember what they were ...

though I think the first one was the I-construct trying to pretend that “manifesting” the winning of the lottery jackpot wasn’t actually manifesting - and had nothing at all to do with fear, poverty consciouness and control, nothing at all! - and was instead all about exploration and discovery

and I think there is actually something like that in there, too. I had this moment where the feeling held the “I’ve just one the jackpot”, without any kind of attachment or anything, and that felt like excitement and adventure. which is usually the sign for me that soul is infusing, or guiding, or communicating

though in this case I think it’s more that soul broke through the I-construct attachment for a moment, and there was that second of clarity. like, yes, it could be like that!

but right now, it isn’t. there is still the incredible attachment, the conviction that if I just had enough money, everything would be fine and I’d have no more worries

bullshit, I know. but this layer of my consciousness doesn’t. or hasn’t been able to accept that, yet. or ... something. and because that layer of consciosness is aware that its doing something “bad”, its trying to, I don’t know, put a different coat on it. and presents it to me as “exploration”

the other instance of self-deception was something similar, something related, I believe, but I don’t remember the details. or the feelings. simply, that it was there, that I looked at it and understood it, and even did some work with it.

is it gone? no idea.

and anyway, that wasn’t even what I meant to write about this time. I meant to write about how I was lying on the bed, reading a nice, romantic, funny fancition, contemplating opening a bag of potato crisps and having a “relaxing evening” - and then the feeling got back stronger, the feeling that urged me to turn on the computer and ... I don’t know. do something.

yes, okay, and write that letter to the tax people, so that I can be done with this thing.

but yeah, so I was lying there, with the apparent choice between relaxation and writing to the tax people. not a choice, one would say, what is preferrable. right? lie back, relax, enjoy your story and the crisps.

and yet, here I am, sitting at the computer, typing this. and, ugh, yes, yeah, okay, I will post this and then open the tax portal and write that bloody letter.

ugh. children, this is what can happen when you begin to follow your soul. you might end up ditching comfort and go for the annoying and uncomfortable option

now, sitting here, it’s a memory, nothing more

though maybe that’s not a bad thing, after all? not being in that place allows mind a little more certainty. a little more grasp on things. on concepts. which might actually help to describe how these moments feel.

or maybe not

hah, was just going to write, “I don’t know anymore”, and hello, welcome, that’s the beginning of these moments. I don’t know anymore, but then what do I need to know, and of course, what is “I”?

what is this experience? they call it body. but why is it here, why am I - this elusive I, this non-existent thing, this non-attached stream of consciousness - attached to this body experience? because it was chosen at soul level to experience?

is it really still necessary to experience it?

genuine question. is it? what else is there to experience? am I missing something? something else to check off the list, so to speak? or have I learnt everything I wanted and now I’m simply here to enjoy this physicality thing to the last, before it all ends and soul ascends to higher dimensions?

part of this I wishes it were that, it were that easy. that simple, that straightforward. and yes, yes, things are straightforward if wwe can get out of our own way and uncomplicate things. at the same time ... there is the question. the question if that straightforwardness can be true. because, well. souls have got themselves all tangled up over the millenia, the eons. untangling that is not straightforward, because tangles are not, and following along the twists and turns isn’t straightforward. or at least doesn’t seem so on mind level.

so can straightforwardness be true? or is that deception of self? soul getting lost in the wants and desires of ego again?

my head hurts. where did those questions come from? I didn’t have them before. now I wonder.

why am I even writing this?

sitting at the computer, typing, the space to write and --

the mind goes empty.

where do the words go, when I sit here trying to write them? it is almost as if

the moment I sit down, the moment I intend to write

the very moment there is intention and a step towards creation ...

that stirring of soul, of consciousness through the density of the mind --

vanishes

fuck where do you go??

of this empty

tumblr

there is nothing to see and so

everything

for nothing is not empty, nothing is the potential of the everything

everything is in the nothing and nothing is not empty

so this empty tumblr is not empty it is

full of

everything