fucking words

But despite all that wishing and despite the part of me that feels terrified and insufficient (as always), I am so glad to feel this I feel so grateful to care about someone like this and so grateful to know she exists and I think I will keep sending love her way even if we stop talking. I will just… send so much to where she’s at and very strongly intend that it only actually approaches her if she is open to it and.. just send healing energy to her and… dream about a day when I may find enough courage to do what it takes to go to her and see if she is still open to my presence in person and just be there and grow with the everything goddamn I feel like if I met her in person I might fall into her eyes never to be seen or heard from again as if I’d finally become the comforting mist I’ve always dreamed of but just for her..

This is the good kind of overwhelming feeling.. I do not understand but that night when we sat beneath the stars and reached out toward each other energetically across so many miles there were moments when I didn’t doubt my experience… I don’t know when that has happened ever before in my life.. it was so.. unfamiliar but… there are no words

I am so lucky for these experiences I am so lucky to have any memory of who she is

wow the last time I posted on here regularly I was doing preettttyy bad I guess. Not that I’m doing so much better now. but at least I’ve been able to give up hope enough lately to be fairly productive. I even signed up and have been going to a Permaculture Design Course. even though when I was thinking about it I mentioned to my parents that I was thinking of inviting my brother to do it with me which of course (why didn’t I realize this would happen) resulted in them asking him for me and then basically pressuring him to say yes even though I don’t think he’s actually very interested and I’m pretty sure they pressured him into it so that they wouldn’t have to drive me even though they also kind of pressured me into doing it. I mean I was interested but I wasn’t going to do it because of the money and because I don’t drive but they did NOT want me to decline and I can’t tell if I regret it or not. I mean the class is fairly interesting even though so far I haven’t gotten much out of it really that I hadn’t already explored on my own. I guess as it goes on I will but.. v.v why does everything have to have this fucking tag of bullshit on it? like my brother and I already have a sort of confusing relationship and it’s like... I really do not want him to feel like I’m expecting him to drive me to this thing that he has to sit through that he isn’t really interested in every week v.v but I don’t even know what I can do? it’s already started, it’s not like I can unsign up and give my parents back the money they paid for it... I guess at least it wasn’t really that expensive. just.. money..

Since I don’t know what I can do about that I’m just going to try to grow the best garden I can. and make a big section to support native pollinators and try to just make it a generally nice place to be so that maybe he’ll feel like it was at least a little bit worth it if our backyard is more enjoyable to spend time in? I don’t know...

and then all the rest of my time I’ve basically been alternating consistently between working on my video game or watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.. or playing guitar or reading or eating I guess. although often some of those things overlap. especially like.. level design and netflix. and eating and netflix. and eating and coding...