Reality's coming through...

Airport lounge. The woman across from me has her socks off. Snoring.

Flight delayed by 2 hours, but at least the food and booze are free.

In this idle time I feel massively insecure about traveling while the shop is open. That I'm allowed to go and everyone else has to stay. I am aware this isn't completely rational. I don't think I've ever said no to a time off request. But as I sip this bottomless bowl of potato leek soup, I feel guilt.

I like to count my blessings often. Especially when there are so many moving parts--so many unlikely to sync up until they randomly do. So many little privileges add up to the privilege of sitting in an airport lounge. I'm grateful. I am lucky. I can never seem to let that be the end of it. Any and all happiness comes with a supersized side dish of guilt, embarrassment, and self loathing.

I deserve nice things. None of my ride has been free. I deserve nice things but something deep down tells me I don't.

Who knows.

These are not new feelings.

Formula 1 came into my life at a very low time-- disconnected from most aspects of my life, the height of isolation in 2020. Missing the family Christmas celebrations that year was mentally hard. Mar moved out, I began living with a partner for the first time ever. Things were destabilized, new territory was being explored. All the things resulted in a relatively poor time for my brain. I turned, like most, to binge watching tv.

Few things captured my full attention like the first season of Drive to Survive.

To be fixated on something so surreal to me was pure escapism. Pure brain-off bliss. I can't drive. I'm not a millionaire. I'm not european. The detachment I felt for my own life was paralleled by the detachment I felt for the drivers and that was so comforting to me.

And slowly as the years passed, as we watched Max Verstappen steal the championship from Lewis at Abu Dhabi, Checo unseats Ocon, Carlos to Ferrari, I started to feel more secure about a lot of things in my life and similarly my fondness and investment in the drivers grew stronger as well.

I can't explain to you why cars driving in a squiggly circle for 95 minutes feels good in my brain. It's boring. But to me it's like a weighted blanket-esque hug to my brain. And to this day it's still a fantastic parallel to my life (as I perceive it) as well. Careening towards corners at 250kmph. Making decisions at breakneck speed. The sweat. The feats of strength. The trying to manufacture a framework that will result in minimal porpoising (lol)

Stopped at Castle Frank. Listening to Title Fight like it's 2011. Seems like the right moment for a small update.

A friend of mine dubbed 2023 her year of "yes". Of seizing life, of seeing where life took her. Of approaching opportunity with openness. Inadvertently I find myself following her lead this year, except it feels less empowering and more like chaotically stumbling forward into situations.

My therapist insists one of the biggest things impairing my happiness is my need to feel in control.

She's right. And I've been trying to reframe how I interact with the concept of control (or how I react to the sensation of losing control.) I've been trying to loosen my grip on the minutiae and try to feel secure within a larger boundary. Things can be shaken up within this space, but cannot spill out or exceed the frame. People talk about thinking out of the box, of barrier breaking, pushing through the ceiling. I just want to be snug as a bug in my little box. I want the limitations to reassure me I won't be plummeting to death, tragedy, poverty, etc.

Who all is around anymore, even?

Anyway, I had some thoughts, so here they are. Too long-winded and annoying for a tweet. Here goes...

Ooookkkk so this is it, I guess. The end of an era. You’ve asked and I’ve finally followed through. Each set is $150, comes with extra limited edition secret stuff and cool packaging. Webstore: http://jackieleeart.tictail.com/product/the-solar-system-collection

SPACE TRAVEL IS HERE!

Hey all, I have a new illustration up for purchase at my online store!! Mercury!!!

And here are a couple in-the-studio shots of my Jupiter printing session!

Each print is screen printed by hand, signed, and numbered out of 25. 

JOURNEY TO JUPITER

12"x16" SCREEN PRINT

LIMITED EDITION OF 25

VISIT PLUTO

12"x16" SCREEN PRINT

LIMITED EDITION OF 25

THE INTER-PLANET TRANSIT COMMISSION

12"X16" SCREEN PRINT

LIMITED EDITION OF 25