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He buys me lunch or coffee on a friend date: hand job under the table or BJ in the bathroom.

He gives me a ride: road head.

He helps me move some heavy boxes: his choice of any of my holes as a shoe of my appreciation.

He lets me sleep on his couch while I’m traveling: I’m his sex doll while I’m under his roof.

He helps me get a job: I’m his sure-thing eager booty call until he gets sick of me.

By the time I realize I’m in an emotional spiral, it is hard for me to stop it. I need something to shake me from that awful place. What I’ve realized is, I need you. It’s not that I can’t pull myself back together, because I usually can over time. But the way I do it is by pulling away. This is my instinctive response when I’m really struggling—to get quiet and withdraw into myself. Eventually it fades, and I come back to you. I reconnect. But as you said, our time together is limited. I know it’s not helpful for me to pull away. But sometimes I just don’t know how to stop it.

I need to find a better way. We need a better way. I will try my best not to withdraw from you. But if you find me spiraling or shutting down, here are some things that might help:

Don’t let me get away with “I’m fine.” You know I’m not. I know I’m not. Ask the question and keep eye contact with me until I start talking. I will try to look away, to move away, to change the subject. Don’t let me. Stare me down until I give you an answer. A real one.

When I get short and snappy with you, call me on it. Pull me aside, away from the little one. Tell me my tone wasn’t acceptable, and ask me to apologize. I will. Hold me accountable in this way, and I will do it less. It will help me stay connected to you.

Spank me. Hard. Many times. Not out of anger at my behavior, but out of a desire to show me that I can trust you to be there. It would give me the relief of feeling your control over me. The relief of not being able to hide from you. The relief of knowing that you’re there, because sometimes I worry (irrationally) that you’re not. 

When I am sitting at the other end of the sofa with so much space between us, tell me to come here. Tell me to sit next to you. Tell me to put my head on your lap. Tell me to sit at your feet. Don’t let me avoid the connection when I need it the most.

Pin me. Pin my hands behind my back, or pin me to a wall. Hold me there until I stop struggling and just look at you. Then kiss my forehead (or lips or neck) and set me free. The restriction of movement, like you putting your full weight on me after sex, makes me feel safe. Loved. 

Create opportunities for me to serve. Ask me to get you something. Have me ask permission for something. Correct me if I don’t call you Sir. Tell me I’m a good girl. Tell me I belong to you. Make me feel it.

To be clear, many of these suggestions just sound to me like good ways to connect, emotional spiral or not. And these are not the only possibilities, I’m sure. Maybe you will find something that never occurred to me. It’s less about the specific action and more about feeling controlled by you and engaged with you. It’s more about breaking the cycle of anxiety and despair that I’m feeling. These suggestions do that by forcing me to stay connected when my instinct is to hide.

There are some really great sites, though unfortunately not all of them are active anymore.

www.takeninhand.com - this site hasn’t been updated in a long time, and the html is really messed up, but it still contains a lot of really great articles. 

http://www.thespankedwife.com/ - a really great blog by a housewife.

http://www.steelandvelvet.org/ - this site is on something called “Christian Domestic Discipline”, which is basically taking a D/s relationship and putting it into a religious context. It has really great content on this kind of lifestyle for married people though.

https://adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.com/ - this is another “domestic discipline” blog, but without anything religious. It’s another great resource for couples interested in this lifestyle.

In four easy steps! (No particular order)

1. Respect him. Listen when he speaks, and never interrupt. Ask for his advice. Let him be the one who makes the final decision, and make sure he knows you will defer to his judgement. Keep your opinions to yourself, unless he asks.

2. Satisfy him. It is important to fulfill your man’s sexual desires. This doesn’t just mean being sexually available. You should be actively engaged in trying to please him. Wear things he likes, be open to his fantasies, and initiate contact. A healthy sex life is one of - if not the most - important things to a man. 

3. Serve him. Make sure his practical needs are met too. Cook for him, clean for him, do his laundry, and make sure he is constantly being served. He should come home to a clean house with dinner on the table.

Let me open this discussion with three simple statements.  

I love spanking girls - in a variety of ways - for a number of reasons.  

Many girls will not admit they love being spanked.

A surprising number of girls crave, but have never received, a proper over-the-knee (OTK) spanking.

An OTK spanking can range from an intimate, playful experience to a harsh disciplinary session - depending on the girl and the situation.  Yet - all OTK spankings have the same allure to a submissive girl.

They put a girl in her place.  Even the strongest, most independent girl is immediately put in her place when stripped and put over her Dominant’s knee.  There is no mistaking this pure act of submission - presenting her naked ass to her Dominant while draped and balanced in his grasp. 

They are erotic.  A Dominant can make an OTK spanking into an amazingly erotic experience, using a range of tactile and audible cues while fucking his girl’s most erogenous zone - her mind.  

If he remains clothed, he reinforces the contrast of Dominant and submissive and allows her to feel her naked flesh against his attire.  

If he keeps her head down and forces her to balance constantly, he removes all control and reinforces the power exchange.  

If he varies his timing and force, he keeps her off guard and unable to prepare - furthering her sense of helplessness.

If he speaks to her in a controlled voice or requires her to recite her infractions and/or apologies, he builds erotic tension and brings her through a complete experience.

If he pauses and inspects her for wetness (my personal favorite) during a spanking,  he drives her insane with desire and unites pain and pleasure in a deliciously decadent cocktail.

They are memorable.   No matter the situation and/or purpose, I need only remind my girl of her last OTK spanking to produce an immediate (and palpable) change in her demeanor.  I watch her blush slightly, lower her eyes, and smile with the slightest of blushes (which often signal her arousal and moistening pussy).

I currently have a place waiting right here - on my knee.  Come, girl…

Don’t forget to choose a punishment that fits the offense.  

If she knows what she did was wrong, a spanking is the wrong thing to do.  Give her time to be alone with her thoughts and make her think about the effect that they had on you or on others.  Spankings do different things.

Being a a man who wants to choke a woman on your cock, and also pull out her chair is not contradictory. Drying her tears when she burns dinner, and wanting to beat her ass with a paddle until she cries, are not contradictory. It’s okay to care about her favorite book, what happened at work, and why she thinks she doesn’t deserve that new sweater. It’s also okay to enjoy that whimpering sound she makes when you pull her hair, and want to smear her makeup with your cock while she edges herself for you. You can hold her when she stubs her toe, and still want to fuck her ass so hard she begs you to stop.

It’s making the doctor’s appointment I don’t think I need, because he told me to.

It’s taking a bath, or a nap, when there are a million things waiting, because he takes better care of me than I do.

It’s making a healthy choice at lunch, when a cheeseburger sounds awfully good.

It’s turning out the lights at midnight, even when I don’t feel tired.

She wants to be owned, but still be able to feel like she has her freedom to flourish.

She wants to be used, but in a way that makes her feel useful, cherished and adored.

She wants to be dragged around, spanked hard and marked with various instruments of torture, but done in a way that allows her to feel safe and secure when she allows herself to become so vulnerable to another.

What she wants most of all is to be able to explore with her partner the dark and twisted fantasies and desires that run through her mind, but never stop being his sweet princess because of it, even when she becomes his delicious fuck hole.

******

A key trait of a female is her wish to obey and to fulfill.