Iāve had Ana for 6 years at this point. 8 if you count the early stages before I was diagnosed. It started too early, 7th grade, and now Iām in my second year of college. things have changed for me. 8 years can do a lot to a person. Iām no longer the āfat funny friendā or the ācute chubby girl.ā People donāt just assume Iām smart anymore and I guess I got all that I wanted from the beginning. im not fat anymore but i lost the spark that once made me so funny. It used to come so natural to me and I miss it. Just being completely myself. I sort of still have it, deep inside, I can still be āfunnyā but it just isnāt the same, and I think many of you will understand that. no one assumes Iām smart anymore but thatās because Iām not. Not like I used to be. I used to read all the time and write short stories. I used to cry when I didnāt ace my exams, Iām happy now if I at least get a 65. I used to be able to speak freely without having to think so much about what I really wanted to say. I played chess and was damn good at it for my age. I played piano, violin, and guitar and taught my little sister too. I danced without hoping itād result in more calories burnt. I cooked meals for my family and actually sat down to eat it with them. I never skipped class and I hung out with people who were kind to me. And I wasnāt even fat. Not even close. Just baby fat. when I started starving, it made me do stupid things. Hangout with the wrong crowds that I knew would let me degenerate deeper into someone I didnt recognize. I started doing drugs with them and I think that added to my newfound stupidity. My parents were so scared. My little sister didnāt have an older sister anymore.
there were months where all I consumed was vodka. every once in a while half a 220 calorie protein shake a week. Often, not even that.
things are different now. I got sober and I tried recovery, this time, for real. I gained 30lbs. I am just now starting to not be underweight. It wasnāt just gaining weight it was about building muscle, strength, endurance, powering up my brian again after not being able to think straight for years. I have a boyfriend who loves me. Who wants me to be stronger. Who sees me. Who doesnāt understand Ana but tries to. Iām slowly getting abs and toned muscles and wow doesnāt that sound so happy and good.
so what is it.
why do I want to add another year to my sentence.
why do I want it to get bad again.
why do I still stare at photos of sick versions of myself with deep jealousy and awe.
I donāt understand myself.
I hope if itās your first year, even your second, third, fourth, fifteenth, you think about what you are losing. Not just the weight but every fiber of who you once were. Who you might cherish if you didnāt have it inside you anymore. Because with Ana ur never just going to lose the weight. Thatās called a diet. You will lose so much more than just that.
things change. Even if you donāt want it to. The world keeps spinning and even if you donāt want to spin with it, you will.
But my bed has been made and I texted my old dealer. I will drink for the first time in months today. And do other things. I wonāt eat. Just as I didnāt yesterday or the week before. Iāll continue to go back to who I once was despite all the good things I have in my life, all the love, all the warmth, all the joy. Despite my sisters heart that I might break, who finally has a role model again. Despite my boyfriend who just told me heās proud of me. Because thereās something deeply wrong with me and itās not that I have to lose weight. I am not on a diet.
happy 8 year anniversary to me.
