Andulka
if i look back, i am lost
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@rustyrailroadties
It always comes back to this. This deep dark pit. It won’t ever get better will it? I’m doomed to spend the rest of my life like this? Maybe sometimes having a reprieve where I convince myself (lie) about having a good or okay time? But really deep down I feel like shit. And I know I feel like shit. And I know everyone else hates me and would rather I just not be around anymore. Of course they wouldn’t wish me dead, but they would passively enjoy themselves more with out me.
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Headed to inpatient tomorrow morning. Always felt like this day would come. Fuck this. Why am I still here?
It’s so hard being alive. I’m so mad and sad that I have a hard time even masking. I want to die. I’m moving to therapy twice weekly and psychiatry once a week. Not my choice. Looking at inpatient. Again, not my choice. And I’m sorry for what I’m doing to my therapist and psychiatrist. I hate taking up space. I don’t deserve it.
Self-harming to show that I am sorry I am the way I am. I'm sorry that I'm not as nice as I should be, I'm sorry that I'm not doing enough, I'm sorry that I am nothing compared to litterally everyone around me, I'm sorry that I am so stupid, I am sorry that I am such a terrible daughter, sister, granddaughter and friend, I'm sorry for every mistake I've made, I'm sorry I am making your lives worse, I'm sorry I'm making you worry all the time, I'm sorry you have to look at my hideous physical form, I'm sorry I couldn't live up to anyone's expectations, I'm sorry I am destroying everything good in my life at this point
My psychiatrist upped my visits to weekly. Guess I’m doomed lol
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My empathy will be the death of me,
I feel too much.
The earth is hurting so I hurt too,
I merely have to see other's pain
And it becomes my own.
I am cursed with too much feeling
Too much empathy
And too much pain
t.e.m.
Depression is
feeling okay for a moment and then feeling like you cannot stand to be alive two seconds later.
Depression is sitting on your bed for an hour staring at your closet trying to muster up enough energy to start your day.
Depression is knowing people love you but instead of providing comfort, this only brings you more pain.
Depression is barely getting assignments done with minimal effort because minimal effort is all you can do.
Depression is not caring what happens anymore, but when bad things happen as a result, you feel crushing guilt and shame for not doing more.
Depression is lying on the floor staring at your shoes for an hour because you cannot bear to sit up and re-enter reality.
Depression is feeling like your lungs are so heavy they cannot possibly keep breathing, so you have to consciously tell your body to inhale… exhale…
Depression is walking down the sidewalk and feeling like you absolutely cannot continue on, feeling like you will just collapse onto the pavement and never get up again.
Depression is heavy eyelids and fake smiles.
Depression is being sick of doing nothing, but not wanting to do anything at all.
Depression is stagnant.
Depression is wanting so badly to be dead and feeling enourmous guilt for that.
Depression is wanting to scream and cry and yell but when you open your mouth, nothing comes out.
Depression is having soul crushing nights that threaten to take your life and you almost let it, you want to let it.
But, depression is temporary.
Repeat after me: Depression is temporary. You are strong enough to fight through it and come out stronger on the other side. Reach out for help, you don’t have to do it alone. Please don’t do it alone.
Depression is temporary.
~@colorfuldysphoria~
“My happy is sad. My okay is depressed. My bad is suicidal.”
— (via suicidalnixi)
Sometimes I feel like they’d be better off with a memory of me.
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I’m hurting. I hate this. I feel deeply dark. I feel it deep in my throat, the need to scream and cry and lay down and succumbed to the rain and wind.
I’m so exhausted physically and mentally. Don’t know how to keep going 
Being an adult is wild. I hate it. I’m having a really hard time. I don’t understand why people live. What’s appealing to life? Im at that spot again where I so desperately don’t want to exist but I feel like I can’t die because I don’t want to hurt my family. But I know what happens next, depression is so powerful that next I could completely feel like I would be doing my family a favor by dying. It’s so easy to fall into that, it’s happened before. Depression takes over and you can’t see through the clouds. It becomes the new reality. The complete certainty. I worry I’m getting close to that. But if I’m worrying about that, that means something right? I have such a hard time distinguishing reality. What if people want me to live, why? I don’t do anything for anyone, I’m not adding to peoples lives. What if they deep down couldn’t care less if I live or die? What if I’m meant to die early? I’ve always kinda felt like that could be the case for me. But that’s probably because I’ve wanted to die since I was young. I recently watched home videos of myself from when I was born til about 3. I had so much life in me, so much happiness. My family loved me, truly loved me. It didn’t feel like me, watching it now. I feel guilty for that. My parents and family invested so much into me, and now look at me! I’m fucking fat and depressed and don’t want to live. How selfish and awful is that.
Mental illness took so much away from me, sometimes I wish it would have taken my life as well
Steven Bartlett
Abso-fucking-lutely
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Sometimes, there are no closures in life. Sometimes, the only closure you need is them disrespecting, manipulating , and betraying you the very first time. People will walk all over you again and again and again, they will disappear and reappear to do and redo so if they find out that you're a pushover. The full stop required to end this story is YOU realizing that letting them in and waiting for their heterophemized "sorry" ain't gonna help you heal and outgrow that pain. It's never gonna happen.
Listen! The thing that poisoned your existence can't detoxify you, right? But identifying and knowing that you are being poisoned can and will sure as hell help you save your bacon. Let that sink in!
Sadia Hakim
