myosotis

Its been almost 3 years and I think the reason I haven't been able to close our chapter although you very clearly left my life is because you still infiltrate all parts of my routine. I still speak in your language, your vocabulary; I still listen to our songs and smile about when we used to sing it to each other; I let my hair grow for the first time ever and haven't cut it since you left. In some ways I chose to stay like this- to let you grow and consume my soul wholly but parts of me does want to let go but all of me doesn't. Because that would mean I never loved you to begin with, but I did- I did much so that it has grown like my hair. Its too long, too messy and too tangled for me to realize how long it has been, now it is too familiar, too warm to get a new haircut. I wish to every new dawn for you to reach out some day. I hope you will because I will wait forever for you.

I read this one post on Instagram where it stated " I wish you would choke on every word that tries to come out of your mouth, so you'll realize how I pressed my lips so tight to stop the tears from coming out of my eyes. I wish regret would make a hole in your chest so that you run out of breath often when you remember what you did to me. I hope you look for me in everyone you meet but never find the warmth I became for you." And since then, I finally understood everything. Ever since you left, I haven't been able to breathe- the tremor in my heart makes me choke on every word. I can't tell anyone how I feel because this hole in my heart swells a little more each time, I remember what happened between us. Ever since you left, I haven't been able to spell my own name, even the faintest smell sickens me to my stomach; my very own breath nauseates me. Ever since you left, I sought out to stranger's eyes and looked for their warmth like a lost puppy. I finally understood this was you punishing me.

It horrifies me to think that this is not even a fraction of what I put you through by leaving yet I fail to blame myself though i feel obliged to.

There reigned a thunder in my heart, the droplets of rainwater filling me up slowly, weighing it down. It was empty yet heavy, it felt tight and compacted yet loose and fragmented. It hurt but what is there to feel when it is truly an abyss? Every little matter filled me with doubt and dissapointment. The future only bought me misery, i couldnt imagine nirvana beyond sucess or intelligence, of which i both clearly lacked in the institution. If i cant bring honour to my blood, what would my purpose ever be? Or would i even have a purpose to live for?  

My soul is not a reflection of your desires, so i take my heart out and melt this love of mine, it liquefies to mould itself to your shape and curves, it seeps into every little crevice forming itself to be a part of you and eventually hardening to create a wall to protect you. To protect you from the charring hot blaze, my mould never melts again, withstanding the most harsh blatant blows, my mould never melts again, only to protect you. My soul is not a reflection of your desires, so i touch the ground the lord walks on and trace his foot steps back to you, to tell him to change this fate of mine, to paint my face to your taste , to shape our stars to attach to each other, to take my veins and make rings or maybe wrap around your whole soul to only keep you to myself, i beg to this lord i do not even believe in, to mould into your needs, only to protect you.  12th of september 2024

And so for the rest of my life I will carry your name like the pressed flowers of my journal, I'll repeat the same songs on my playlist just to remember you, I'll drink again for the first time being oh so small like I was on thursday the 18th of december and I will mourn why we ever said goodbye and how I will never get to tell you how much my life has changed, how much I have changed and how your coldness taunts me every single day, but still I will believe that one day you will return. We will laugh about how silly and stupid and pathetic we were, maybe we will fall back in love, but even if we dont, just know that I will always love you a little. I can't help it.