Rochelle's Rantings

Sure I can blame it on the pandemic, work or not finding enough time. But the truth is that I’m numb.

I no longer see colour.

Blue Monday really did hit me hard, not just this Monday, it’s been several months.

I’ve just been drifting away and not really looking into this things I do or say. My brain has switched to autopilot and I’ve forgotten how to be myself.

I can try and engage and find myself in the small moments of joy. But those moments fade and I’m left like a light that has been dimmed.

I took up the piano again and I now have a half hour in the day only for me, where I can truly feel inspired.

I had lost the passion I had for music, for writing and for fun.

Now the season has changed again, and I’m slowly starting to find myself.

It’s like peeling layers.

One day I sketched a doodle and that brought me joy, another day I sang along to a song. Then the next day I started to read.

I was feeling things for a small window of time. Like I was relearning to be myself again.

Slowly, and then all at once.

I find joy now int be sunlight and the rain. There is a dark cloud every now and then.

If so, I look to other patches of land that aren’t overcast. I look to my friends who ask me how I am. I look to my mom who can’t wait to hear about my day.

I look within myself to see if I can find me again.

The clouds roll away and bring the sun. This feeling will fade and I’ll be fine again.

It’s not a sentence anyone likes to write.

Is it because we wish we could blame someone else? Are we so consumed in ourselves that we’re afraid to admit when we’re less than perfect.

Does that make us stronger?

Are we so afraid of looking weak that we can’t be honest.

We love to see well respected individuals break down and get emotional. We call them strong for pushing past their mistakes and losses.

Why don’t we give ourselves the same understanding?

Why are we so ready to point fingers or laugh at someone else when they mess up? Is it because that’s the most relatable thing people do?

Truth is, there was nothing important I was saying nor was it something valuable that the world had to listen to. I was simply putting the metaphorical pen to paper and hoping to find some peace.

See I’m selfish, I don’t write here for others to learn from or for money and fame. I write to clear my own head and figure out my own thoughts. The help that anyone else would get from this is just a nice addition.

Should it be two hours or two days? Maybe even longer.

Logic would dictate that the more serious the impact of the decision, the longer you take.

Logic also says that if the decision is important you know the right choice in your heart.

So which one is it? Do I take time and use my head? Or my heart?

It’s all about a gut instinct. It’s the perfect amalgamation of you head and your heart. You just need to take a few deep breaths, centre yourself and go with your gut.

Scared of what my future might be or where I would end up. I am confident when I comes to making the leap, but I’m afraid of the decision that comes before it.

If only there were a looking glass, I could peer into the future and know which road works out better. But would I then be too focused on the future to live in the present?

See half the excitement lies in not knowing. I could be great today and worse tomorrow, but maybe days from now I could be feeling the best I’ve ever felt.

That’s the beauty of the journey. It’s the same with this post. I started out saying I’m scared, but maybe it’s just my nerves? Maybe it’s butterflies in my stomach because I’m excited to take the leap?

It’s funny how the same physical feeling can be two completely different emotional ones.

I found that looking within myself never worked. It was just an anxious mess that was entangled and couldn’t be sorted out.

Looking out into the distance showed me this ball of stress unravelling to reveal my true self.

It’s like Rapunzel

She has has that takes up the entire tower and she took care of it never understanding the magic within.

Until once day, she threw it out the window and found freedom.

No she didn’t find her Prince and live happily ever after, she found herself first.

We often decided to fill it with the love and affection of others. That simply isn’t enough

Your mind is a powerhouse. Numbing it with relationships you’ve outgrown or past hurt doesn’t help it grow.

Get out of that head space

Leave behind the people and memories that don’t help you grow.

If you need to cut ties and walk away do it.

People always seem to undermine the fact that respect is a two way street. We are thought to respect our elders as most expereienced and so what they say is the law. But even with them being older, we too have opinions of our own and know that what we are doing has some reason to it. Respect is what makes a leader. If people just yelled and gave out orders to people under them this world wouldn't be where it is.

We had opinions and we fought for them and obtained our freedom.

After everything the world has been through, all the struggles. We still practice the same mentality of 'calling the shots'. We never wanted rulers and so we became a democracy. And even then we have the same sorts of ideals brewing at the workplace and schools. 

Children are the future and if they are branded with mentalities that date 100 years back they should instead be considered 'The Past 2.0'. No one can be the future if they aren't given the freedom and choice to do whatever it is the yearn for.

Why is it that girls these days aren't confident about themselves anymore? So much so that they seek acceptance from society and do everything in their capability to fit in. I completely understand the fact that it feels nice to be complimented or accepted by others but it's not our sole purpose. Having a boyfriend or the best of things doesn't make you happy in the long run. 

Being a strong independent and genuinely confident person is what matters most. It shouldn't matter what other people say or thing about you as long as you remain true to yourself. Everything in life is temporary. So why bother what others have to say because we both know they're not going to matter tomorrow. So be yourself and be happy. Fake friends won't be there for you in the tough times and if you spent all you time and energy fawning over passing fancies you may never have time to find real friends. Friends who will stick with you through thick and thin, 

Lately, my thoughts seem to be travelling at the speed of light. I think of too many things at once and they just keep regurgitating into my brain, It's like this constant cycle of thought and it i infinite. But the worst part is that it moves so fast that I don't understand why I was even mad in the first place.

The brain does all the thinking for us, but it's our heart that does the feeling for these thoughts. What's the point of thinking if we don't feel or understand?

It's not that I am sad or lost, I feel perfectly normal. But then I get engulfed in this train of thought and I lose my way. Smallest of things bother me and in actuality they mean nothing at all. It just feels like I've reached a phase where I fear loosing everyone and everything due to the faults I find within myself. Thoughts were never mean to bring a person down. They were meant to see us soar and excite us and show us new discoveries.