Rochelle | Thoughts & Fangirling.

We often decided to fill it with the love and affection of others. That simply isn’t enough

Your mind is a powerhouse. Numbing it with relationships you’ve outgrown or past hurt doesn’t help it grow.

Get out of that head space

Leave behind the people and memories that don’t help you grow.

If you need to cut ties and walk away do it.

I found that looking within myself never worked. It was just an anxious mess that was entangled and couldn’t be sorted out.

Looking out into the distance showed me this ball of stress unravelling to reveal my true self.

It’s like Rapunzel

She has has that takes up the entire tower and she took care of it never understanding the magic within.

Until once day, she threw it out the window and found freedom.

No she didn’t find her Prince and live happily ever after, she found herself first.

Scared of what my future might be or where I would end up. I am confident when I comes to making the leap, but I’m afraid of the decision that comes before it.

If only there were a looking glass, I could peer into the future and know which road works out better. But would I then be too focused on the future to live in the present?

See half the excitement lies in not knowing. I could be great today and worse tomorrow, but maybe days from now I could be feeling the best I’ve ever felt.

That’s the beauty of the journey. It’s the same with this post. I started out saying I’m scared, but maybe it’s just my nerves? Maybe it’s butterflies in my stomach because I’m excited to take the leap?

It’s funny how the same physical feeling can be two completely different emotional ones.

Should it be two hours or two days? Maybe even longer.

Logic would dictate that the more serious the impact of the decision, the longer you take.

Logic also says that if the decision is important you know the right choice in your heart.

So which one is it? Do I take time and use my head? Or my heart?

It’s all about a gut instinct. It’s the perfect amalgamation of you head and your heart. You just need to take a few deep breaths, centre yourself and go with your gut.

Truth is, there was nothing important I was saying nor was it something valuable that the world had to listen to. I was simply putting the metaphorical pen to paper and hoping to find some peace.

See I’m selfish, I don’t write here for others to learn from or for money and fame. I write to clear my own head and figure out my own thoughts. The help that anyone else would get from this is just a nice addition.

It’s not a sentence anyone likes to write.

Is it because we wish we could blame someone else? Are we so consumed in ourselves that we’re afraid to admit when we’re less than perfect.

Does that make us stronger?

Are we so afraid of looking weak that we can’t be honest.

We love to see well respected individuals break down and get emotional. We call them strong for pushing past their mistakes and losses.

Why don’t we give ourselves the same understanding?

Why are we so ready to point fingers or laugh at someone else when they mess up? Is it because that’s the most relatable thing people do?

I’ve tried my best to break this habit, but I’m weak. Every time I see you memories come rushing back. It may just be of simple things we used to do, nothing prefect. Just the two of us being in the presence of each other.

i thought I had broken this habit when we gradually stopped talking because I had lost faith in us and decided to pick fights whenever. I stopped dreaming us. The two of us became complete strangers. But I could never bring myself to completely forget you. I couldn’t say the same for you.

When I saw you again everything that I had suppressed came rushing back and it felt like we never stopped being us. Of course circumstances were a whole lot different, but deep down inside I was still pining for you. 

From that day on, I saw you every night I fell asleep. Sometimes they were actual memories and other times they were fiction. 

The type of fiction I wanted to make a reality so bad that I ended up pushing you away. I was intoxicated by this idea of you that I no longer could remember the person who made me feel this way.

You were masked by this idea of perfect. A mask that I had forced upon you and you were unaware. You slowly started to blame yourself for what I did. Thought that you were not good enough. But in all my attempts to bring us closer I ended up pushing you even further away.

I saw you again.

That same spark in your eye, the very same cheeky humour. All the qualities that had made me fall for you.

 But now you seem older and I’m still the same. You no longer wear glasses that I would switch with mine, You no longer talk with that childish diction. You’ve grown up.

I used to pride myself on being mature. That I was the ‘old soul’ of the bunch. But looking at you now I realise, that was just all in my head. Everyone around me has grown up and I, I’m stuck in the past. My mind may seem to think it’\s older but the rest of me looks the youngest among us all.

I built up the courage to talk to you. Hoping that this time around things would be different. After all, you had changed externally. I messaged you with a measly excuse and hoped you wouldn’t notice the desperation in my tone. 

You reply perfectly normal, almost effortlessly. I stop. I don’t know if I want to get into this again. Days go by and I find even more reasons to talk to you. Your responses were always one-worded. Just like in the past and I remember how much that annoyed me.

I would open up to you every chance I got and you never bothered to share. I now know why I pushed, it was because you seemed like the type of person that needed his walls broken down. The same way I felt my entire life.

I always hoped someone would be persistence enough to break my walls, but no one ever did. 

We lived in an age of messaging and I was stuck in the past when people actually spoke face-to-face.

I pushed you. I was obsessed with the person that lay behind. It was almost like I needed to get to know him. Maybe he’d help me get to know myself. My thoughts were always erratic when it came to you. I could never talk to you straight. I was never good at social media anyway.

But the cycle kept going and I fell into old habits and ended up pushing you away. Not once, but twice. 

The second time around didn’t matter, you had friends who appreciated you. You had completely changed yourself to get accepted by them. I was happy for you. 

But I pushed you. I never asked you to change yourself. But I was happy that you finally felt accepted. 

I have tried my entire life but I was always out of place. 

Perhaps the reason I pushed you so much is because I never had anyone to push me. I was projecting onto you what I had desperately wanted someone to do for me.