OFFICIAL TALLAHASSEE CONTRACT
Subject: Twinkie Recovery and Preservation of Human Civilization
Normally I wouldnβt be writing a government-looking document. Thatβs your thing. But desperate times call for desperate measures.
Word is thereβs still a box of Twinkies somewhere in the ruins of Raccoon City. Specifically, an old gas station or market that somehow survived the apocalypse, corporate greed, and whatever mutant nonsense your city was dealing with.
Your objectives are as follows:
β’ Go into Raccoon City.
β’ Try not to get eaten.
β’ Shoot anything that hisses.
β’ Shoot anything with too many teeth.
β’ Shoot anything that used to be a person but now looks like a science experiment.
β’ Giant mutant creatures.
β’ Government cover-ups.
If Ada Wong is spotted near the objective, assume she is after the Twinkies.
I donβt know why sheβd want them.
I donβt care why sheβd want them.
All I know is if she starts doing that mysterious spy thing where she smirks and disappears, youβre about five minutes away from losing my snack cakes.
3. Do not give the Twinkies to Ada Wong.
Yes, that required three separate rules.
Upon successful completion of the mission, you will receive:
β’ One bottle of whiskey.
β’ One fully operational cowboy hat.
β’ Lifetime honorary membership in the βPeople Who Found Twinkies After the End of the Worldβ club.
β’ Falling for Ada Wongβs nonsense.
βTime to nut up or shut up.β
P.S. If Ada already has the Twinkies, I authorize you to use every government resource at your disposal to get them back.
P.P.S. Actually, on second thought, sheβll probably outsmart you. Just ask nicely and see what happens.
" Man, I'm stone cold sober but reading this makes me feel like I just relapsed.....did we drink tequila out of your boot again in a truck stop parking lot? Fuck, that feels like ages ago. Didn't think we'd be there again but here we are.
I'll order you some of those hostess treats and have them sent to your door, partner. Where you at these days? I'd love to know where you've got your trailer parked. Maybe I'll stop by. "