rain

"I have realized favorite people don't change. You were my favorite person. And no matter what happened. You're still my favorite person. I don't think that will ever change. So, just never leave me okay? It isn't a great thing to be strangers with your favorite person. Okay?"

5 hours since id forced myself to wake up and live another day, yet again.

i sometimes gaze across the room searching for her face, and its never her looking at me.

i have realized nothing about this world is permanent. / locked behind my own heart, is a real smile that will never show itself to the world ever again.

i always thought happiness wasn’t for me. Growing up, it slowly changed into what i now believe a dark cloud that follows me everywhere. becoming a part of who i am, is my grief. its my sorrow. its my inability to do what i know is right.

my entire life, i haven’t had permanence with anyone. whenever i become friends with someone, they never last. it’s a never-ending cycle of me realizing happiness isn’t for me.

when i first became friends with sreeja, I thought i had found the one person who would break my laws about permanence.

it was so different this time on, but you soon realize, you were right all along.

i know I’ll be fine without her, but all i do is write about her. How did i lose a friend i never had?

so to my ex best friend,

i really hoped you’d stay till the end.

i have realized happiness wasn’t our story.

i have also realized we were both right. every person we call “best friend” is never ours. tragedy has left to us being left out of each other’s lives.

i go hell and beyond these days wondering if you remember me, and the nights we spent on my terrace writing songs together. it was just us. with the world. for the first time, the world was ours.

in the end, you realize again, happiness was never meant for you. it would always come to you for a short period, linger around because it felt bad, and leave again.

happiness was never meant for you. there are certain words that wait the arrival of other words, to have meaning. like for every “why” awaits a “because”. whenever i am struck with the word “belonging” i long a feeling of home i will never get.

i remain waiting for trains that will never come.

i like being specific.

i wish i could remember specific details about every day. Specification means i have clarity. it means i am certain i will go down, but i am okay. i’ll be okay.

“hey-” “happy birthday !”

The cursor had been blinking for a while now. I kept staring into the empty void that filled my thoughts whenever I thought of her. my whole image of her, it was a blur. We had been best friends for 3 years. I still- still cant tell if she hates me or not. I cant tell if she actually listened to the songs I sent her. if she hated my presence, nothing. Her eyes were introverted too, it seemed.

10.40 pm. I did it. I sent the message. I texted her. I went on to scroll through old texts. It is so hard for me to cut off people.

My scars lie dormant. The one on my back.

The one that crawls back to the only person who ever showed kindness to me.

I lost him.

Been called a demon all my life.

The one who killed his brother.

I rest at a place I had scars engraved on my skin.

I forget the color of my bedroom walls.

I hate everyone in this world but you.

We slow dance in the kitchen,

Come home late from parties.

I haven’t been this alive in a long time.

I don’t care if the world falls apart

As long as I have you.

Coming home to you.

Every day.

Knowing I will be at peace at last gets me through it.

You touched my scars.

Showed kindness.

Something I haven’t seen in people’s eyes.

For years.

All I wish for is you. How did time go by so fast?

My beloved, I hate everyone in this world but you.

I forgive the world everyday because it has you.

I have so much to say to you.

But all I say is “Sleep well.” “Take care”

“Eat well.”

I am pleased with life just the way it is.

I wouldn’t change a bit.

And I know, I could never trade a 1000 lives for the one I have with you.

Its worse now.

I try to find pieces of you left in it.

The only touch I have with you now is the picture of us from 3 years ago.

I was laughing like an idiot. There was a spark in your eyes.

You’ve got something I miss these nights.

I took an oath. About 6 months ago never to listen to your favorite song ever again.

I don’t miss you. I just pass by you in halls hoping I can have one word with you.

 Maybe tell you how your hair suits you, or the way you tuck your sweaters, or your handwriting, the way you paint, the way you look at life.

I wish I could forget the parts of youth I wasted on you.

I spend all my days trying to forget your face.

The air likes to play with your hair as you wave goodbye to your friends at the school gate.

Friends.

I wait for you in line as if I will talk to you.

i dont know what it is with me, i can never apologize,, thats my mind playing games with me. what have i ever done for her? nothing worth recognizing, even right now, im just creating an inconvenience for her. all i do is put her through trouble, but she unseemingly goes through it.

why is it that i can never apologize? what is this sense of pride in myself if i cant even hold onto people i care about the most. i always take everyone in my life for granted.

im sorry, even if ur not reading this, becsuse if you were, i probably wouldnt be saying it. im sorry for the way i treat you. you dont deserve it. man, i canr bear to see u always go through the same pain everytime. i wish i didnt exist sometimes, ur life wldnt be that hard if i wasnt here.

everything that you eevr want, these small dreams and hope u have, i feel it inside myself while destroying everything.

maybe ill regret meeting you one day. i still kind of do. i wish i never hurt you like that. and if i could go back to the beginning, id leave you alone. i wish we never met. even if i still remember the time sun shined onto ur eyes. u r the most beautiful.

rainy gloomy days but we would spend it laughing. we were running in the rain, best time of my life, worst time of yours. i wish it wasnt like that, i wish we werent like this.

I don’t blame them, or myself.

I sometimes have the sudden thought of them.

I’ll read the old texts.

Eh, most of the conversations were one sided.

I’m sorry I forgot your birthday.

I am slowly forgetting the colour of your eyes.

I still remember sitting on the bench right by the second last window in class.

I was writing a song, as usual.

It was raining.

You were crying.

I remember cursing on her for treating you that way.

I still hate her, and the fact that you still like that son of a bitch.

I was too clueless, my love.

I have a very faded memory of all of it.

I just remember it as I go on with the hell of a life I live.

I was so clueless we would stop talking.

Had a fight in the playground of our school.

I won’t apologize.

I would go back to that day though.

I look at the old paintings we made together.

It makes me so numb looking at it.

My head hurts.

The sky was this specific shade of blue. It looked gloomy.

I love the gloomy days.

What do you do when you want do text them, but you have no courage to do so?

My pride consumes every part of me trying to talk to you.

Life is flying by and you’re no longer a part of it.

 I am slowly forgetting the taste of your favourite food.

You no longer know the colour of my bedroom walls.

I’m sorry. People grow apart, I know.

The only touch I have left with you is your stories and posts.

It’s okay though, I will move on.