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I’ve emerged from the hellish wasteland that was Dry February, and it’s mid-year performance review season. It’s just been a perfect storm for introspection.

I’ve been reflecting on this article about radical candor. The key to giving direct, challenging feedback is that you are giving it because it authentically comes from a place of love. Furthermore, if you withhold feedback because you want to avoid conflict, it is actually selfish of you to do so, because you are placing your own feelings of discomfort before the person’s potential for self-improvement.

Consider the phenomenon of “ghosting.” (Google “ghosting hot take” if you don’t know what I mean.) When people write in to Support upset that the creator of a project they’ve backed has stopped communicating. When Tinder dates stop responding to you. By and far people say they would prefer hearing disappointing news than no news at all, but on the other hand, it must also be difficult to be the bearer of bad news.

This is a brief deviation from my musings about management to announce that I will not be drinking alcohol during the month of February.

You can only repeat “I could stop drinking, but I just don’t want to” so many times before you start worrying that you have a problem. In addition, there are a few more reasons I decided to do “Dry February”:

1. February is the shortest month of the year

2. If I am successful, Marie will watch the film Carol and I will be allowed to talk about it with her whenever I want for however long I want

3. Alfie will give me $50 if I stay sober for February AND three times a week during this month I hold an alcoholic beverage in my hand for ten minutes. I can’t pass up such easy money.

4. At this point honestly it is more an act of spite against all the people who think I can’t do it than out of any concern for my health

I’ve planned some activities to occupy my time while I am not in bars (although if you would like to invite me to a bar and are comfortable with me just watching you drink, I am happy to hang):

1. Clean out / throw out all the things I’ve accumulated in my apartment and never use anymore, consolidate any resulting unneeded furniture, replace with plants

2. Focus on the art projects I’ve been paying moderate attention to

3. Read the books I’ve been meaning to read

4. Flesh out the drafts I’ve had sitting in here

Outside of academic work, studying violin was my life (it was pretty much like this). I was a part of the California Youth Symphony from middle school through high school, and my Sunday afternoons were consumed by rehearsals. In addition, every summer we’d hold a week-long camp in the mountains with intense rehearsals, music history lessons, swarms of mosquitos, and “fun” bonding activities like softball and hiking. 

The conductor of the orchestra was a music professor at a state school. He was a former violin prodigy and was a rather strict and no-nonsense kind of guy. He expected professional level work from us, and we made sure to give it to him. He would never yell or be abusive but he was certainly stern and not hesitant to voice displeasure or disappointment. It was during one of these camps, maybe my junior or senior year, that he relayed a story about one of the college students in the university symphony he worked with.

She was one of his top students and he held her in the highest regard. She came in to his office hours one day and told him, “I don’t know if I’m doing well or not. You never tell me I’m doing a good job.” Then she started to cry.

This shocked him, as he had always assumed that “no news is good news” and had always only given constructive feedback. He told us this story and said he’d learned from this experience, and was going to start giving more positive feedback to us (only when we deserved it, of course). 

When I was a high school senior, I auditioned to be a senior soloist for our last concert series of the year. At the end of the audition, this man, who’d seen me grow as a performer and as a leader (I was the concertmaster by this time), said “I’m very proud of you.” I didn’t end up being selected, but those words meant so much to me, and still do.

Your team may start out relatively flat, with one manager, perhaps a lead, and everyone else at the same level. As your company and your team grow, though, it’s important to create a team structure such that your team members feel valued and have room to grow (and also all the work can get done). 

I consider the following things when I am thinking about ways I can structure my team to maximize efficiency, productivity, and pathways for personal development. 

Needs of individuals on your team

The people on your team will organically develop interest and expertise in certain areas. If you have regular one on ones with your team members, this shouldn’t be hard to discern. A title change from something like “Support Specialist” to “Technical Operations Manager” codifies what the person is likely already doing, and formally gives them to go-ahead to pursue development in this area and serve as a mentor to others. Furthermore, creating several managers who oversee different areas shows more junior team members that there are multiple paths available to grow into, and decreases the possibility that they’ll try to pursue other opportunities elsewhere.

Needs of the company

This is not to say that all of someone’s aspirations can be validated through a team restructuring. It’s useful to take the company’s top-line goals and think about how your own team goals map onto them. Then you can figure out how the individuals on the team (and possibly future team members) fit into those team goals.

Needs of managers

As a manager, you can only manage so many direct reports before it becomes impossible to give each one the attention they deserve. 4-7 direct reports per manager is a good number for me -- at one point, when my team consisted of 12 people, I found myself really needing to reconsider the one manager / one lead system that had previously been successful. If you are finding yourself stretched thin, it’s a good idea to think about who else on your team could find the manager role validating (not all do!), and work with them to develop these skills.

Be flexible - sh*t happens

I was in middle school when I discovered AfterEllen.com, a pop culture website for queer women, probably from searching for articles about Xena, Warrior Princess. The founder of the site, Sarah Warn, and her partner, Lori Grant, quickly became my role models, though I admired their intelligence and wit from afar, through the internet. 

My freshman year of college, I went to a meetup hosted by AfterEllen.com. It was the first time I met Sarah and Lori in person, but it was also the first time I was in a room of queer older women who appeared comfortable with, even proud of, their identities. It’s impossible to describe, but I witnessed these women speaking to each other in ways I recognized in myself, in ways I thought I’d been alone. It was like suddenly realizing you’ve been underwater all this time, surfacing for air, and finally being able to hear clearly.

I went up to Lori, a businesswoman and entrepreneur, and introduced myself. Rather, I blurted out, “I kind of want to be you when I grow up.”

“Did you play team sports in high school?” was her reply. (Yes, basketball, I said.) She told me that team sports played a fundamental role in teaching her teamwork and leadership skills, and she encouraged all her mentees to play team sports. I can’t remember any more of the conversations we had, but this had a lasting impression on me.

Enough has been written about Carol Burnett’s impact on the comedy world, and especially women in comedy, that I have nothing else to add but my own feelings of love and respect. I’m always struck not only by the quality of her work but by all the stories of people who’ve worked with her and been inspired by her, and how generous and open she is to others who write to her asking for advice or just expressing their admiration. A young Vicki Lawrence sends her a fan letter, including a newspaper clipping where the reporter remarks on her striking resemblance to Burnett -- she then goes to see Lawrence perform and hires her to be on her show. Rosemary Watson writes a letter to Carol Burnett, who then Googles her, discovers her excellent Hillary Clinton impression, and invites her to perform at the Mark Twain awards -- that will be the first time they meet in person. (BTW this entire video is worth watching)

I half-joke that Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock is my management idol, but really it’s Carol Burnett. I can see so clearly in all her sketches how much the cast enjoy working with each other, and how Carol holds them all together and brings the best out of everyone.

Watch the closing scene of the series finale of the Carol Burnett Show. Carol Burnett is dressed in her iconic cleaning woman attire, closing down the set one last time. The cast walks out and she bids them all goodbye, then gives an amazing speech about why she’s deciding to end the show, then thanks every single team that has brought her show to life, including the audience. Everyone who has had a part in her show gets face time and we all get to share in this moment. It is clear that this is her show and she is running it, but everyone gets credit. Her show and its success is for everyone, not just her.

I want to be this kind of leader. I want to build a team that works well together without egos getting in the way, and has fun at the same time. I want to ensure that everyone on my team can grow in the ways they want to, and that we can all rise up together and become great. I want to do work that makes a difference to people -- not just our community members but within our team. I never want my ego to get in the way. I never want to forget where I came from. I never want to be “too busy” or “too important” to help others who are just getting started in any way I can.

And now some of my favorite clips, in no particular order:

The Non-Verbal Argument

Outtakes: The Elephant Story

Charades

The Dentist

Chuztpah