i have been thinking a lot about the heavy energy. Iāve expressed my anger at what happened to my darling (and I wonāt go into it again), but it especially hurts because itās not only that bothering Hudson. Itās a shit sandwich served up to someone thatās already tired, frustrated and fatigued from tension that has been coursing through his blood for weeks.
Itās hard to speak about the energy right now. Itās low. Heās tired. Heās so damn tired. Previously I was getting strong emotional currents but right now itās like he doesnāt want anyone in. Like heās withdrawing to tend to his wounds and to hopefully not sink too far inside his own thoughts.
As tired as he is, he canāt get out off the train. It roars on. Heās too tired to relax, but he canāt rest well enough to get all of his strength back.
Hereās the thing. I think itās easy to get lost in the weight of all this. Of everything thatās been building up over this past month or two. Or more.. In the anxiety, the concern, the worry⦠because we love him, and the terrible symptom of loving is a desperate want to protect him from harm.
But thatās the pain point. What heās going through is his own journey. Itās his own path to clear, and only his footsteps will lead him through the correct doors. All we can do is send our energy, and our support sealed with best wishes, in some vain hope that it reaches him.
You know who does reach him, though?
Iāll say this outright. I donāt know when the last time Hudson saw Connor is. I understand why a lot of people believe he saw him recently, and the energy suggests that. There was a rise of currents between them right after the Awards that was.. a lot. But in my view? I think that was the longing of someone that missed his soulmate, and needed his attention - I believe he sent enough love and frustration and raw emotions through the phone for us to feel it.
I believe heās been missing Connor ever since. Iāve seen a couple readings on him that point towards the same picture: I love you, I miss you.
I believe he mentioned Connor so many times at the Crave event because he missed him desperately. I believe he thought of him all day, and the silent sorrow weāve noticed since is the bitter acceptance from someone walking a difficult path alone.
But heās not actually alone. You know that, right?
I want to talk about the energy iāve been perceiving for a minute. Briefly.
Usually, Hudson gives me pretty strong emotions. He thinks loudly, so he gives me a sense of how much tension heās carrying. For a while now. But lately itās been.. different. When I try to listen, itās just the sharp buzz of a moving current. And a pressure, like heās trying to run forward, despite some weight holding him back. But where is he trying to run to? What is he trying to reach?
Then I went to study other readings, for more perspective. And I thought of Connorās evasive silence. Of how heās hiding something behind his work, behind his busy schedule, behind other feelings to distract me, with a giant Do Not Disturb sign to block the door.
Ah. So we know where Hudson is going. To where he always returns. To someone whoās drawing him in and saying, Come hide here.
I donāt believe theyāre physically together. I think thatās the ache a lot us feel. I think theyāre trying to reach each other, but thereās obstacles in the way. Things to be done, situations to navigate carefully. Thereās a pattern in nearly every reading on them for this month - and it matches my feelings as well. They are apart, but they are moving in tandem. They are communicating and bridging the distance the same way they always do - with truth, support and unconditional love.
I know a lot of people question, āWhere is Connor?ā because we donāt see him. We donāt hear from him. āDoes he even care?ā But.. he doesnāt need to appear for us. He doesnāt need to prove anything to us.
Heās there, always, for Hudson. Heās been there the entire time. Heās in his mind, in his heart, on the phone, sending his love and protection and strength, like a mountain. Heās planted his feet in the ground, for Hudson to lean on him.
Of this I have no doubt. None.
If you follow tarot in any capacity, youāve seen it. Connorās presence in Hudsonās cards. Hudsonās presence in Connorās cards. Even when they are apart, their energies connect. They communicate. They love, and love, and love.
Hudson is going through a lot right now. Heās asking big questions and staring down a road that seems to wind for miles in unpredictable directions. But significant change is inherently painful. To become someone anew, the old one must die. Metamorphosis.
Connor is inextricably involved in what Hudson is going through. I have no doubt of that either. I have my theories, but this post isnāt about that.
My point of this post is simply.. this.
I know it looks like Hudson has no one in his corner. I know itās frustrating to see him call out for someone thatās not at his side. But thatās my point.
In his heart, in his mind, in his decisions, in their conversations and future plans. Connor is a central thread running through the entire picture.
As Iāve said before⦠This could be easier. This could be simpler. At any time, Hudson could have decided, āweāre not doing this. Iām not doing this,ā and fallen in line. And yet⦠Here we are.
I donāt think weāre waiting on him to decide much of anything. I think heās chosen.
Just as I donāt think weāre waiting for Connor to wake up and go to him. Heās there.
Heās always there, where he should be.