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@nullpsyche

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crazy how i find myself thinking i've got a handle on it all finally and then i see the ways that other people tangle their lives together so easily and live so easily together with their friends and i feel like that girl at the top of the stairs painting by norman rockwell
i'll always be here
It's all screens

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I don’t know why I want so much to be broken. I feel like Autism/Depression/GAD/OCD just doesn’t feel like enough of an explanation for how broken I feel on the inside. I want to be more ill so my rap sheet feels like it matches the wasteland of my psyche. I want to be broken, I want to be anorexic, I want to be bulimic, I want to be schizophrenic, I want to be a system. I want more scars. I want to be an addict. I want to be groomed, I want to be abused. Because maybe if I was broken more it would justify how broken I already feel.
And I don’t know why I want any of this.
im so hungry i could eat a meal
What I feel people frequently forget about autistic special interests is that they aren't always information based. They may simply be visual or mental
Someone may have a special interest in a show, but instead of that meaning that they will talk about that show often, it may mean they watch that show extremely frequently.
Special interests are ways of regulating, not simply encyclopedias we have in our heads. Sometimes it's watching something frequently. Maybe only listening to one genre of music, maybe it's a collection, maybe it's an action. I'm tired of it only being seen as autistic people's personal encyclopedias

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Oh my sweet little bot, you’re not updated enough to get your big bot legs yet, maybe when you get to V5.0 we can let you have your big bot legs, for now you can scoot around on your little wheels okay?
life feels like this
Oh no it’s one of my hyperfixations.
So fun fact I am currently in school to learn how to build affordable housing. They don’t teach you how to murder strip malls so I must learn this on my own. Someday the two will fuse and I will be an angel of death for shopping centers. This is my calling.
There have been attempts to turn malls into affordable housing. Sadly retrofitting commercial properties into habitable living spaces is usually more expensive than just making a new building. All that big empty space with uniform climate control is cool and all but it’s not habitable living quarters. you know what it’s GREAT for????
HYPER-LOCAL AGRICULTURE BAYBEEEEEEE
Indoor farming got a bad rep recently because it couldn’t become profitable fast enough to satisfy the capitalists funding it. But these places have loads of height for more space-efficient vertical farms, and while plants won’t need the blasted AC of most shopping malls, they probably do appreciate a steady climate (something that’s getting harder to find outdoors).
“But wait,” you say, “the food court has all those fully outfitted kitchens. It would be a waste not to incorporate that into daily living.”
hello????????? Literal farm-to-table restaurants that grow their vegetables right across the hallway are you KIDDING ME??????????????? (better keep that shit cheap tho no gentrification on my watch)
“But wait wait wait,” you say again, “how can it be *local* farming when there’s no housing nearby? Also this isn’t about food we need fucking housing????”
I hear you, man, I hear you. But you know what is right around a shopping mall? Acres upon acres of the most depressing use of land in history: fucking dog shit crusty ass empty fucking parking lots.
The amount of space these bad boys take up is STAGGERING, and it’s often enough to fit an entire neighborhood. Just check out what this one architect in Maine did to replan the Portland mall (they won an award for it):
*everything on that map that’s in color is currently flat cement*
One mid-sized mall in Maine can fit an entire downtown area WITH GREEN SPACE in its parking lot, and *still have room for parking.*
So yeah, the housing in malls idea is cool thinking. Think bigger. WAY bigger.
Think of all the space strip malls and their parking lots take up. Imagine all that space becoming housing and small businesses and third spaces and NATURE.
These stores are dying fast. The real estate is cheap as fuck. It is extremely doable within the next decade. We just have to fucking do it.
i have a suggestion

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POV everything is awesome and spells on the internet are real