My sad adolescence

Im losing you. I don't wanna say for certain, but I fear it's true. I feel as if i don't have a say. You go, switch like night and day. My heart's been heavy. You left me weary. I know it's not your fault. People change and it's strange, the mark you left me with. When you go, my dreams will too. Soon I'll be a shadow of the girl you first met. The one I tought you liked, but that was never set. I was stupid. There never was no cupid. I swear I saw him fly past. But now, just leave me to mourn. This might take a few, a year or so. Not too sure but my love was pure. I just didn't want to be the desperate one. Was it worth it, now that you're gone? I'll now state my goodbyes, you probably won't mind. You were very out of line, but so was I. I hope you're happy. I wish you nothing but the best. You can figure out the rest.

Summer. It's almost here, you can smell it in the breeze. The time I bloom and regain my color. But something's off this time. I dont quite feel that vibrant air and loving sound. Maybe cause you're just not around. Where do you hide yourself when the sun comes out? Why do I see that frown forming on your face? I can't stand this awful place. Flash me a sign and I could maybe take the heat without loathing in my self defeat. The kisses from the sun wouldn't feel so lonely. The flowers in my hair wouldn't die so fast. Maybe I could begin to love summer again, this time at last.

"I wanna be yours" Sang a clever man. It all applies, I'd do all I can... to be yours. I wish you'd own me, maybe use me. I really don't care. Take me with you anywhere. Make me your teddy bear. Under your control, I could be your doll. I could die from pure bliss, you could never miss. I wanna be yours and only yours. Please take away my pride and shame me. Shake me up, toss and tame me. Love and mess and break and take me. Anything. Just do me.

My love for you is odd. It goes where no other will go. Like my first time ever breathing. First time ever seeing. It goes far from this time and space. You're all I wanna chase. You're the first ever high, haunting like the softest sigh. The spark of your touch. Oh I miss it soo much. And never will I forget those eyes. The only light I recognise.

I think i like the way I look. On the bathroom floor holding my hair back once more. Fuck im doing it again. My fingers scraping my throat. Nothing tastes as good as vomiting feels. Right? No. That isn't how this goes. I want to feel how skinny feels, whatever that may be. I wanna like the way that I look and not be back here. But my body's failing on me anyways, so should I even bother? I don't think i like the way that I look.

Desperation. Sometimes it defines me. It's always there to set me back, ready to attack. Desperation. A form of longing when I think of you, makes my stomach churn and eyes burn. Desperation. Heavy load to carry on a daily, but that's the cost of loving a maybe. Desperation. Feels like ruining my chances. Will you ever forget me? Please say you'll someday like me. Desperation. You make me desperate.

Why am I so eager to please? Really not the best on me. I always drop my self esteem, forget to be, just to see, if you would notice me. I'll say something stupid. There's nothing you will not know. Please don't go and find someone new. I beg of you to think this through. Nothing that I'll say is true. I just need to be enough for you.

GIVE ME.

I think I've fallen in love. Fallen in love and no one will ever really know. I've fallen for the way he looks me in my eyes. Fallen for the way he knows exactly what to say. Fallen for his jet black curls and gentle, caring hands. I've fallen for the way he thinks and the way he sees the world. I've fallen for his brains and heart and everything i've seen. I Have fallen in love.

Whenever he does talk to me, i feel as if im completely free. His words like tape now stuck to me. Oh that boy has got to be, the sweetest one I've ever seen. His hands so calming, holding mine, tracing every jagged line.

My reflection is weird. It hasn't ever liked me. It warps to insult me, never does it please me. I could always be bit tenser, weigh a few pounds lesser. Would that be any better? To cry until I settle.

I want you to see me. Я хочу I want you to like me. Я хочу I want you to hold me. Я хочу Я хочу умереть.

Im very prone to feeling bad, often times you'll find me sad. The man in my phone does help me though. He tells me things i shouldn't know. Says im wiser than my years, that i should save my pretty tears. He's got a wife who'll never know, three kids too, he told me so. He loved my red locks, i showed him in knee socks. He also loved my ass, he couldn't let that pass. - Now months have passed, i can't let go. He's gone now. Where? I don't know.

Us, us, us. Im just making stuff up.

I dont want to go back home. I want to stay. Here is peace and here is he. Though he won't remember me, in my dreams he'll always be. I don't want to be a pest, i did try my best, stayed away so he could rest. His eyes so big and bright, now deep engraved in me. Not sure if im dependent or just really dumb with need. His words so vivid, clear as day, now singing me to sleep... I don't want to go back home. In his dreams i want to be. Want to haunt him to one day say: "He does remember me."