come to the realization that i've disappointed my mother enough that she'll be happy if i do anything with my life. and it's like... that wasn't so hard, was it? in truth it's possible it was a choice i never had to make in the first place. i just thought i did. which begs the question: what is it really you were so afraid of? your own footsteps, your own shadow. fear i feel must be a stored energy of some sorts. grows stronger the longer you let it sit. the longer you stare at it. like a cup of tea. and the whole time the door is there waiting to be opened. and beyond... there's something out there. but what, i don't know - i haven't gotten that far. not quite there yet. still, still not there yet. but i know that there's something or at least i have to believe.
need... to eat more protein. track macros, whatever. need to do my roots. clean my room. go back to school, get a real job or something. make art. learn how to knit. try pilates. reply to my messages. read more nonfiction. read more classics. read more. practice instruments. tell people i love them more. cook at home more. be more consistent with cardio and stretching post-workout. clean my water bottle. and my makeup brushes. and my car. if it doesn't rain today. start drawing again, just for funsies. sell all my kpop merch. return my library books. take my vitamins. declutter. run a yard sale. volunteer. get out of the house. go for a walk. look people in the eye. say something nice. work on my posture. listen to new music. finish playing one of my million games. dust the furniture. other things i'm sure. there's always more i could be doing with my life. but then why did god make it so easy to just lie here, waking up at odd hours, wishing i hadn't slept, or that i was in dream longer, sometimes doing just that until i can't anymore, the light of my room always different but the same, the day always different but the same, blurring together into a fine sand & scattering in the wind as i watch, and think about what to have for dinner, and the door is still there. pulsing with meaning. but even if i open the door it won't be the last. there will be more doors beyond it. and i know nothing of what comes beyond it. and it is so so easy to just lie here like i always have. but all this doesn't mean i should leave the door unopened. but i can't. not now. but i have to. i know i have to. i know. i know. why is it so hard.
discoholicmusic
germansingergirl
dededos
romaincrisis
stormborns
turnnoffyourmind
yousharknotpass
pixelskylines
titsay
andulkaphoto
