fireheart

an engagement ring passed down through my generations. 14k gold manacle kisses our ring fingers and snaps into place with the magic words. xxx

they love us not enough to stray.

they love us not enough to yell.

they love us not enough to scar.

they love us not enough.

i see this pattern. i follow it through the branches of my family tree. i see it in the way my mother smokes her lungs to soot. i see it in the way infidelity rises from the ashes. i see it in the way she dabs her lipstick and curls her hair. i see it in the way she buys more shoes that never see dirt. i see it in the crowd of performing marionettes. i see it in my cousin and her solitude as a new mother. i see it in the way his cousin looks at her, an object to be talked about and shared. an object. owned and controlled by the men who declare it theirs.

a declaration that begins with magic words.

xxx

a curse. an heirloom. a death sentence.

yet, i will sign mine if it comes from his bloody teeth.

i prayed for clarity behind the wheel tonight.

ma comète always shines bright.

i just wish he saw me equally as the solar flare i am.

maybe he does

maybe the engraving of your love is just too permanent.

how can i ever explain to a partner that the way i wish to be loved is by you?

how can i ever explain to my heart that we won’t feel it again?

how do i sit with the fact you are the only lover to read my books, ask me questions, write me letters, paint me your fucking handprints that i can hold eternally?

if i could find the words to explain, the air to exhale, the time to teach him my past and heal from it myself

but if i can’t, if i’m not easy enough he’ll leave.

he’s done it before and i can’t help that my nervous system is prepared for impact again.

if he deems i’m not worth time and effort, like they all do

that must be when the last string snaps and they will lay me in the sea.

maybe he’ll fly over me, an arctic tern in migration.

maybe i’ll sink to the bottom, and find you finally waiting for me.

we will spend the next life together, underneath our painted tree.

it’s ok, just humor me

it’s the only thing keeping me atop this bell tower