till forever & infinity

The idea of writing about my experience is gradually making sense. I never really described about the events that took place almost over twenty years ago because of fear. Fear of what would happen after I actually sit down and briefly write about it. Fear of how I would feel afterwards. There’s a difference between telling people and actually writing about it. In all of my previous posts, I always speak around it, but never to the point.

I want to thank Shonda Rhimes and the writers of S15 E19 of Grey’s Anatomy. The moment where you see all the women unite in the hallway for the survivor, that was the moment where I decided to write about my story.

I never really understood why people would say, “I want to tell my story, so that it’ll help others.” I mean I get what they’re saying, but never really felt it. I’ve heard many other Me Too survivors and my mind goes blank – it time travels back twenty years ago. So all I got from their story was a trip down to the worse years of my life.

It’s been 5 months since I’ve opened my Notes app to write. A lot has happened. A lot has been felt. But nothing has been written. Was it just to live and forget. Was it to avoid what I was feeling throughout those five months. Whatever it was, I abandoned my words.

Younger me was always curious. My version now would say hold off until your comfortable. I was always afraid to be soul tied with the person I was going to lose my virginity to. I had a boyfriend all throughout high school and wondered about it but was never pressured by him. He wasn’t a virgin, so I knew he had something to compare it to. Even though he was a fuck boy, when it came to sex, he respected me in a way where all women should be treated. Even after we were no longer together, he still cared for me, in an odd way. And it may be because we never really did have sex.

I knew I wanted to lose my virginity with someone that would stay for the rest of my life. Build a relationship that we both understood and feel comfortable with one another. And I did. It wasn’t my boyfriend, but my best guy friend at the time. I was 18, now I’m 26 - and even though we all go through our changes in life, we still have this beautiful friendship. We understand each other and are there for one another. Younger me was terrified to give something so sacred up to someone who wouldn’t be in my life at all.

It wasn’t until my college boyfriend that I understood the whole soul tied connection. The way that relationship started out wasn’t something I expected. I thought I was going to marry the guy so this was it for me. But evidently, all must come to an end.

I grew up catholic, went to a Catholic school but I wasn’t very religious. It sorta faded from me as I grew older. So I went out of my way to explore my sexuality with men. I am a strong feminist and feel the liberty to do as I please without being slut shamed. As long as it’s safe and consensual, the best way to know your body and your desires is to understand it with another individual or yourself. We are not all the same. So you don’t know “what else is out there.”

I personally believe that it is a right of passage, almost sort of something you have to understand and accept. Once you’ve gotten it out of your system, you’ll understand what you need from your partner. I know what I want from a man. Whether it’s about relationship, sex, etc. I understand and love myself far beyond anything, that now I feel like the next person I’ll be with, will be my last. Sex is easy, love isn’t. It won’t be just about sex, it’ll be intimacy.

And no fucking idea what I’m doing. With my life, my career. With myself. I cry as I look for answers. I cry and my tears drown me even deeper. Maybe I just don’t want to face my reality. I don’t want to except the mistakes and wrongdoings. I’m digging a hole deep enough where it feels like the ground is shaking and eventually it’ll all crumble down and I’m there. Laying. Buried. In the hole I dugged myself in. I forget to breathe and my heart skips a beat. The thought of seeing how long I can last comes up.