Maringlechanᡣ𐭩

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4evernow

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"OMEGA ********" (my bfs name)

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ive been applying to jobs this week and see my bf this week

better job? and my bf is well, Him, It, my hearts home

and that goes onto my own defenses, telling me things are ok

and ugly

Fear of losing myself

dysmorphia setting in?

Will probably delete after a bit, but..

I f(34) made a post about my bf(30) recently and im worried that this isolation, time apart that he asked for in order to think a bit is being used as a time for him to fall deeper into his depression with his use of escapism.

He's used shrooms in the past and went on a bit of a bender once for almost a 2week period of taking about 2-5g at a time. There has been other sporadic use of it prior to that and after. Each use resulted in a bad trip and I told him after his recent use (which was months ago) that I feared him going into psychosis and advised him not to take it anymore as he wasn't getting the 'fun' experience he wanted, which was trying to see deities. When I saw him a few days ago I noticed he took some in the form of tea, but wasn't notified of it, so I am very worried.... a majority of his trips also made him experience ego death, contemplate everything, and make him think if life is even real.

He also smokes weed or takes edibles, we took a break from its use but picked up the habit again over the last few months. And I know theres been times when on a shroom trip, as the high wears off, he would smoke weed to get it right back up. In the recent weeks we were just smoking and then playing video games or him just writing things out or tending to his book.

There is also drinking, which he has cut down on, but it mostly consisted of about 1-3 cocktails a night. He's been trying to reserve drinking to just a few nights a week.

Im very scared that as hes taking this time to think, he may be over indulging putting himself into a worse headspace. I dont know how to reach back out and check on him, without going over to his place unexpectedly out of worry. The Last time I did so, he got very upset as he requested alone time, and I disrespected it out of worry. He was also high that time when I disrupted it.

Im just worried and scared for him. I love him so deeply, we've been together so long and I know and understand hes in his head too much and doesnt know how to help it. He tries to use escapism and think pushing me away are his only options.

He's done so well too over the last few months of thinking about everything he gets anxiety about, while sober and talking it out and sharing it with me. I was so happy to see him opening up about those topics so I could help navigate him thru it all.

Friday, Jan 10th

I got up early in the morning and went into town to kill some time as i waited for my mom to get off work so i could go with her for a drs appt and then hang out a little afterwards. As i was in town i stopped at Petsmart to try and get the Lion King tunnel for the kitty brothers! I managed to find one so i bought it immediately!

After that I went and met up with my mom by dropping my car off at the mall while i was with her, and she drove us to her appt, the next town over. She was seeing a sleep doctor to help her with her insomnia. Turns out she "jokingly" always said she hasnt truly slept since the 90s, and that's kind of true. She basically slept a minimum of 4hrs a night, just enough for her brain to recharge while on empty TT. I hope the sleep doctor is able to help her get back to truly sleeping.

After her appt, we went to hang out at the casino! But since it was still daylight hours i told her to take a detour so that she could see the gravesite of Chief Seattle! She thought it was pretty neat since she's never seen it and never knew it was somewhat nearby!

We got to play for a few hours at the casino but didn't really win TT.

After that it was heading home to have the kitties play with their new toy. Chopstick LOVES it.

Saturday, June 11th, 2025

I stayed home until around 3pm and then called drew to see what he was up to. He was doing the same as me, not really much but feeling we wasted a sunny afternoon. I headed out that direction and thought i would be staying at the bf's house so packed just in case!

Me and drew ended up going to the mall and just walking around for a bit not really getting anything. We did get some candy bars from the Sweet Shoppe. Mine was milk chocolate with bacon and potato chips. I forget which 2 flavors he picked out.

After that we started to get hungry and ended up eating while at the mall. I got some bulgogi with rice, kimchi, and potato salad on the side. Drew got panda express and it was his first time trying the honey walnut shrimp, he liked it! I thought the potato salad tasted a bit off.. it had an odd fizziness that made me think an ingredient they used may have been expired TT. The bulgogi was good though as it always is and it was one of the few times if not the first that i ACTUALLY tried kimchi. It tasted a lot better mixed with the meat and rather than by itself, its a bit strong for me.

After we got dinner, we walked around a little bit more and then i dropped drew back at home and went to the bfs house :3

I missed him so much ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh it was only since like wednesday i saw him though. I'm so baby for him lmao.

Oh! As i was on my way to Drew's i made a pitstop a Target along the way to find a plushie of Simba! I managed to get the very last one and also found a chibi Rajah plush too!

Sunday, January 12th, 2025

This morning, the bf left to his martial arts practice while I waited for him to get back home. I went out into the living room and fell back asleep as I was watching youtube.

He came back a few hours later and we watched youtube together, i watched him game, and helped him clean up the apartment a little bit.

I watched him play Wu Kong and he finally managed to beat the Tiger Vanguard that he was having a bit of difficulty playing. We've also been watching a lot of lego building vids and buhurt videos too! He says he wants to do more creative stuff as the lego builds we've seen are really expansive with so much layering and stories for each piece of the builds! The buhurt interest is so funny, i think it really stems from his interest in old weapons. He uses them with his partial arts and has collected a few swords and small knives. It's pretty neat, its so cute to see him nerd out when he does I love him so much ahh.

We also had a little bit of tea time! <3 We've been using the new sets he got from his martial arts friends and his family. Its a cute table with a gaiwan set and a tea pet! The tea pet is a black kitty, which he also named after the late Jellybean (rip buddy TT, he misses you a lot). He has the tea time Jellybean sitting on top of 3 chinese coins. Its really nice that we've been having tea time, its a whole little routine of

warming all the cups

putting the leaves in the warm dry cup

taking in the scent of the tea

steeping the tea

pouring the finished brew into a separate container

pour and enjoy!

It's nice and i think it makes the enjoyment of the tea a lot better. We try and use it to wind down for a bit of the night, but i think all the tea that we have has caffeine in it TT.

After some tea time, it was time for me to go home TT. I didn't want to go home of course since i love spending time with the bf all the time, but he'll be out next weekend since he's got an extra day off! We're hoping to see a museum a few town over.

Before going home completely for the night, I went to hang out with drew again to get some sushi before i left for home. I always want to get sushi when im out to see drew or the bf just bc there isn't cheap sushi where i'm at sadly.

It's about 11:30pm here so i've gotta start getting to bed.

I'd like to be productive tomorrow! I'm happy that even though I haven't journaled for truly everyday, i'm recalling the days to make sure each day is covered! Go me!!

Had a late start to the day at around 11ish. My mom asked me if I wanted to go see the Nosferatu movie with one of my brothers (R). The movie was at 4pm but she asked me to go by her house at 2:30pm so we could drop off my nephew and pickup my other brother (R).

I dressed up a little bit too :3

The movie was a little over 2hrs long and it was.. ok, I'd say. I never saw the original or read/watched Bram Stroker's Dracula, which is what it's based off of. My fav character was William Defoe as the occult doctor that helped the main female protaganist. Some of the scenes i felt were unnecessary but yeah i think the movie was just ok. My fav portion of the movie visually was the first like 1/3 of the movie when the character Thomas, was travelling to the castle of Nosferatu. Other than that just ok. 6.5/10~

After watching the movie we dropped off my brother and stopped at Walmart for a few things. I needed new Cerave skincare. Im pausing using my Cosrx products to use the Cerave ones. Reason being that when my skin last looked this bad years ago (from using the oil cleanser from Neutrogena), it was the only product line that made my skin go back to normal.

Right now my skin is so angry, with acne scars. It acted up months ago, and i think the cause was me sleeping with multiple layers underneath me.

Cash was having accidents and some were on the bed. So i got a water mattress protector and then covered that with regular bedsheets. I did get super hot while sleeping and i think the trapped moisture made my body go way off balance and i started breaking out around this time really badly along my jaw.

When i tried looking up the symptoms of the acne and its location, a lot of the answers online just said a hormone imbalance. TT

I ended up fixing Cash's diet and he stopped the accidents, so i took off the mattress protection layer. After this, the active acne stopped and really went down, and i'd say im back to the normal amount of acne i usually experience. My skin is also smoother but my skin itself is very pockmarked along my jawline and it definitely doesn't make me feel good whenever i look at it in the mirror TT.

I hope using the Cerave line will help my skin get back to normal. Eating healthier, gym, drinking more water, and sleeping better. **things i've gotta get better at doing** **NOTE TO SELF ITS 10 DAYS INTO THE NEW YEAR IVE GOTTA GET BETTER AT THOSE**

Also I've been looking at getting a photo printer... do i just get it? I've been looking at the Canon Ivy 2.. I would really like it for journaling and some random pics to have. Eventually, i'd like to get a larger printer, but i think if i start small for journaling and then to a larger one that'd be better. Heck i've got so many photos that need printing. Mine and the bf's trip to Bali has over 300 pics that I've been wanting to print and put into a scrapbook or frame! and printing those is over $100 can you believe that??

Also did a little bit of nail care today!

TTT anyways.. i might just buy the printer... gotta check the funds to do that though~

It's 11pm right now and i'd like to sleep a bit early so i can go to the gym sometime tomorrow and be ready to go meet my mom for a little running around tomorrow! Costco and casino? Petsmart? Need things~

4 days late!!! AHHHH~ lets do a recap since saturday!

Sunday, Jan 5th - i stayed home for the day and did not go to the gym. I honestly dont really remember what i did on sunday....

Monday, Jan 6th - I hung out with drew for the day and then went to the bfs after! Was with him until a bit earlier tonight. Me and drew got sushi at my fav spot :3 After having lunch we went to target and ikea! I was looking for one of those pegboards to put above my desk since i think that i've got way to many things cluttering my desk space. We ended up finding the pegboards and got a price estimate, but i didnt purchase a board since i wanted to measure the space above my desk first. All the accessories too were going to be $3 or more. We also went to Petsmart to look at a few things like the food since the boys are almost out. They had so much Lion King stuff for the 30th anniversary!!! I cant believe it was 30yrs since it came out TT. I bought Chopstick the Lion King pop up tent and a little Simba costume. I think i want to go back though and get him the leash and harness set, as well as the pop up tunnel. I just feel that those are things that wont really come around again. After that i just dropped him off and went to the bfs house :333

Tuesday, Jan 7th - Hung out with the bf the whole day! I was gonna go home that day but ended up day drinking, got a little tipsy, and fell asleep a bit early by the time night time rolled around. We had a nice chill day but he was getting very frustrated from work. I got us some mexican food for dinner. He practiced his shakuhachi and told me his instructor wanted him to practice on how loudly he plays while in a low octave. He did good! His notes were very loud and projected than they were before. He told me he's been playing so much of the game "Halfsword" its just a medieval mma type of game. I know hes been showing an interest in it and i showed him i did a little bit of research on it myself and found a Seattle group that does it as well as the international medieval mma (Buhurt) that we can attend! It'll probably also be at Ren Faire so that would be cool if we did that too! We cuddled so much though a lot of the day ahhhh~~ We ended up going to bed pretty late at like 1 TT

Wednesday, Jan 8th - He woke up pretty early to do his Ukraine-English lesson. He told me wants to do it for about a year. I need to find something like that too i suppose TT. Nice chill day again though, but he was frustrated from work. He played a little bit of wu kong after the week day to let off some steam but ended up still getting upset because he couldnt beat a boss! For brekkie we had our leftovers and some super strong deathwish coffee. I did not have enough water today and the following oolong tea we had after that didnt help TT. I ended up feeling pretty lightheaded. We finished up our mexican leftovers and then i went home shortly after. He wanted me to go home a bit earlier but ended up not. I felt bad since he wanted to write and do martial arts TT. He's so close to finishing his book and rewriting one scene right now and making sure the edit flows into the rest of the novel. We watched some lego videos and also some more on the Buhurt stuff since it seems like something he'd really wanna see! I'd love for us to go check out the one thats later this year in Virginia! I ended up leaving around 8/9ish and got home at about 10pm. It was such a fun few days with him i cant wait til me, him, and the kitties are all living together again TTTTT but i wanna be with him forever with a last name <3

Its 11:30pm right now so i should be getting to bed. The plan for the rest of the week is to clean, apply for jobs, gym, keep track of finances, and see the bf again for the weekend possibly :3 other than that he said he would like to visit my side of the water and we take a few days out to see Port Angeles!

Woke up around brunch time and made food for me and the kitties.

I had a pretty big omelet with green and red peppers with one gold potato, cheese and sour cream. After that it was making sure the kitties, especially Cash ate all their food.

Then it was going to the gym. I didn't really have a plan for the gym today but knew i wanted to do weights. I was on the treadmill long enough to do a little over 1mile, which was about 12 or so minutes! I've gotten better at endurance and can run for longer and faster! I really wanted to try and run the entire mile, since i warmed up with a 1 mile walk on the track. Watched a little bit of the last eps of S2 of demon slayer while i was on there.

My little side spot along the track that i like to do weights on was open for a little so i did some squats with the dumbells and walking lunges with them too! Some guy and his daughter kinda blocked the space though and my legs felt like they weren't gonna be able to handle the bulgarian squats that I like to do with the bench.

I also did the machine that works the back of my thighs today! Did 3 x 12 and FELT IT. Finished the gym session with the sauna of course, my favorite spot in the gym.

It was pretty rainy today too on the drive there and back and I hydroplaned so much on the way to the gym! On the way home I stopped for sushi as a treat for going this week... although i shouldn't have spent the money on it TT. I love salmon nigiri so much though lmao.

Came home, showered, changed into pjs and have been relaxing for the night since. Tomorrow the bf might be coming! Hopefully he does, i miss his face so much :3

Its getting close to midnight again though, but hey another journal entry done! That's 4 days in a row since the new year and 2 days at the gym!

Night night!!