I'm Just Me

I keep looking at my Fet profile. Sub designation. Heartfelt “about me” about how submission is a purpose or a calling for me. And it feels like someone else wrote it. It’s been almost a year since I’ve felt the pull to kneel for anyone. I almost don’t remember what it feels like. 

What am I even doing here? Why do all my dating profiles hint at submissiveness when I don’t even know if I am anymore? And if I stop looking for a Dominant, what do I even do with myself? Am I changing, or have I just forgotten who I really am? 

😍😍😍

So excited about this Christmas gift from @nefarious-kinks! I have been wanting them all year 😱💕💕💕

They are wrist cuffs that clip together. I can’t reach the lever to unlock them 😝

They are also so comfy and I love the design that lets you keep the sizing exactly where it fits your wrists.

The sex is just one of the most enjoyable ingredients and tools at the dominant’s disposal. 

I’ve said before, I have pretty much always been submissive. Even as a young child, I was looking for ways to do for others. Before meeting my ex husband, I had been quite adventurous. I had a few preconceived notions of what BDSM was, but no real knowledge. So despite all my experience, my submissive nature was largely unexplored.  Then I was in a really bad marriage. Extremely controlling. Not in a healthy and fun way, but in a Beat me down and make me feel truly worthless kind of way. In a You have no right to make a single decision about yourself or child kind of way. All backed by his parents.. his father was our Pastor, though his mother is the true puppet master. I’ve mentioned before they are narcissists. To say that’s the nutshell version truly does not do justice to the things I’ve been through. But it gives you an idea.  I left him October of 2015, the divorce took til January of 2017. We started dating in ‘99, married for just shy of 16. I mentioned in a previous post, I walked away from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE I knew in order to escape. At one point, I was literally held hostage with my children used as leverage to keep me there. I’ve been through a lot. I know it could have been worse, there are many who’ve been through worse than I have, but I’ve been through a lot myself. 

During the last couple years of my marriage and during the divorce I pretty much went into sexual hibernation. Survival really was all I could think about. I had 2 children who were hurting tremendously through this process. There was nothing left for me to focus on. Then about 5 months after the divorce was final I had some young guy come onto me. Not someone I could ever consider, but some of the things he said stirred that desire. I went online and found Literotica.com. I still hadn’t explored D/s at all really. I little light reading, but still full of misinformation. I stuck to the kink forum. That’s where I had my first D/s experience. It was amazing. I learned so much. He didn’t approach me about D/s, things just formed very naturally. Over time he would make suggestions for me to read up on certain topics, I started to realize that our exchange wasn’t just kinky, but rather D/s.

Prior to that I truly believed I would never submit myself to anyone in any capacity ever again. I saw it as a weakness, a character flaw. As time went on I started to realize 1. Submissive is who I am, like it or not, it’s like having dark hair or brown eyes. I can mask it, try to hide, but the truth is… it’s part of me. 2. My Submission wasn’t my weakness. My lack of knowledge about myself had been a weakness though. My lack of understanding of what a healthy relationship of any kind was a weakness. Both of those are fixable. Much of my journey has been mostly education so far. I’ve had fun along the way of course, but I am soaking up every bit of information I can find. I am considering multiple points of view. I remain slow to trust, and that’s a good thing. Online still feels a much safer place for me to explore and learn. I imagine it will for sometime. 

Submission after abuse is scary. Terrifying actually. But you can take what you learned from that experience and grow. Growth is important to me. I continue to work through the trauma I’ve experienced because I need to grow. For me and for my children. There have been some here who reached out to me after I shared the last post about overcoming narcissistic abuse. I am in awe of your bravery. I have no desire to be a spokesperson, but I do believe it’s important to shine a light on this type of abuse, and the more awareness the better. Had I known at 23 what I know now, I’m sure I wouldn’t have had more than about 3 conversations with him. Of course, then I would be minus 2 absolutely amazing, intelligent and beautiful girls and I can’t wish for that with any amount of my soul. That’s the good I take away from my nightmare.