This is a phrase that I’ve been told numerous times throughout my life, each time with various expletives and pejoratives added for seasoning. The most memorable instance came when I was a young man, over twenty years ago, in my first apartment. It was a tiny studio apartment on the ground floor of the building, near the back of the complex by the manager’s office.
A couple moved in to the apartment above mine; a youngish couple, maybe ten years older than I was at the time. We never spoke and only saw each other in passing. Despite the extremely limited contact I had with them, I knew a great deal about them because they fought. They fought loudly and they fought often.
I remember the first time I heard him hit her. The sound was unmistakable and immediately followed by the thud of her hitting the floor. I did what any good person is trained to do; I called the police and they showed up a few minutes later. I heard the woman tell them that nothing was wrong, and that she had tripped. The police left without arresting him.
The next day, I saw them in the hallway. She wouldn’t look at me, but he did. He glared at me as he took her arm and led her up the stairs. Later, I saw her at the mailbox. I simply told her she didn’t have to live that way. “Mind your own business,” she said. That phrase shook me.
These days, it’s usually some pompous, arrogant wannabe daddy dom telling me to butt out. Every now and then, it’ll be a little, defending the jerk, who tells me to back off. Each time I hear any variation of that phrase, I think back to the time at the mailbox. I remember what happened next.
The rest of the week was quiet, but when Friday night rolled around, I saw him walking up the steps with a case of beer. They turned on some southern rock and sounded like they were having a good time. I was sitting at my table, working on a novel I was writing, and I heard the yelling start. This time, it didn’t take any time at all before the fight went violent.
By the time the police arrived, she was in no condition to give a statement. He was arrested, and she was taken out on a stretcher. The police took my statement and said they would be in touch if they needed me to testify. Apparently, it wasn’t necessary. I never saw either of them again.
I often wonder if I should have intervened. If I should have grabbed my gun and kicked in the door like an action hero and tried to save the day. Logically, I know that I could’ve been shot, or, had I turned my back to her, she may have attacked me. Allowing the police to handle it was the right call, even if I feel terrible about it.
In this community, we are the police. There’s nobody we can call when we see some abusive, manipulative, gaslighting jerk who uses the title of dom to justify the shitty treatment of people. We can’t force their subs or littles to run away, nor can we incarcerate these assholes for their crimes against the lifestyle and the damage they do to their victims. But we can speak out.
We are a community. We are members of a lifestyle that most people will never understand, and that is governed by rules that are sometimes poorly understood even by members of our community. If we don’t police ourselves and work to spread awareness of the way these relationships should work, nobody else will, and the predators will have free rein.
Just remember, protecting the members of our community is our business. The best defense against fakes and predators is awareness and exposure. Talk about the sanctity of safewords, about the right to revoke consent at any time, for any reason, and about the equality of both sides of the slash. Talk about the responsibilities of the Dom, and about how proper aftercare isn’t a nice thing to do for someone, it’s a mandatory requirement.
If you have to, call the fakes out publicly. Let others in the community know who they are so that they can’t continue preying upon the inexperienced or vulnerable. Signal boost it when you see someone taking a stand. We might not be able to prevent everyone from being taken advantage of, but we can make it harder for the creeps to remain hidden.
origamiaround
jacobvanloon
turnnoffyourmind
blakekathryn
kaledo-art
stormborns
yousharknotpass
