Evolution is something normal. Change is one of the only certain things in a person's life. People change, things change, times change, everything changes. That's the way life is. I'd love to claim that I'm a person that fears nothing, and yet the slight notice of changes in my life terrifies me.
Changes, physical and mental ones, character development are all normal for a teen, everybody expieriances that, and yet watching myself change through the years is terribly scary.
I've seen myself in one too many characters while playing TWST. Maybe that is why I love that game, why I love its writting, I can relate to one too many people.
Like most nerds, Idia is a character I deeply relate to. Not just for his nerdiness but for deeper reasons, stuff that had me adoring the boy since the beginning. At this point I'm convinced most fans do, it's nothing special, nothing worth enough elaborate on.
Then, the next one that I would say I feel to my bones is Cater, or so I would have said if I was asked a couple years ago. I don't normally concider myself as a changed person, I think I've been the same for as long as I can remember. And yet I no longer act the way he does, not quite. Looking back to middle school I used to be exactly the kind of person he is, no difference to be identified, but looking at myself now I am hardly anything like him anymore.
By now, I suppose people would see me more like Leona, or Floyd I'd say, maybe a mix of both men. Maybe that change is for the best, Cater would be better off not being a people pleaser anymore, not putting that facade on and letting his troubles spill out for once, but is it really? Like Leona the moodiness is something that others find irritating if anything, the straight forwardness and lack of care just plain rudeness from my part, and the changes of mood unpredictable and annoying to no end.
It's not their job to understand the reason for that change, even I am not aware of it. Looking back I wonder what chnaged, and where did I wonder off my way to end up like this but nothing correct comes to mind. And I'm left to wonder with no answer satisfactory enough to ease my mind.
Do people like this more? They can't possibly, and what little of the Cater-like side of me is still there knows it, but the rest cannot be bothered enough to do anything about it. I just look back, noticing things change one by one, little by little, confusing the hell out of me till I no longer know what to do with myself.
So starting book 7 felt like the twist of a knife that was already stabbed in me. Malleus was never a character I was really fond of. Not because of any actions that I do not approve of but simply because he didn't interest me enough. Nevertheless, watching his reactions to Lilia's intention of leaving, his thoughts and the pain that came along with the long wave of sadness that washed over him, those chapters had me staring at the screen through tears. He didn't want things to change. he didn't want to lose something that was dear to him, and I felt his pain to my core. For some reason he finally felt more real to me.
Writting this is most likely something that Cater would have done. Writting down angsty thoughts and feelings in hope of getting everything out, and a part of me wants to cling onto that feeling, the comfort of the way my younger self would act, refusing to accept the changes I'm going through, the changes I've been through.
It's scary seeing things around me involve so much, because everything and everyone are involving one way or another, but it feels like I'm the only one who doesn't. Things change but not for the best, but for some unknown reason, or maybe for none at all, I can't seem to figure out. I simply find myself desparatly trying to find a way to to stop things from changing, because accepting that simple fact, accepting that there is nothing I can do leaves me defenseless.
Maybe deciding on my biggest TWST kinnie isn't a good thing to attempt after all
2087
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