🐟┆Kaji!! ꒱

I am in a constant state of finding myself. I feel like I have 2 sides. These 2 sides recently have been mixing it feels like. I cant stop thinking about the past, I miss it, and I hate it at the same time, so so much. I also think about the present, what if things don't work out? It's scary to think what might happen to me. Especially If I'm someone where no one I know or love can help me. I love being a girl, I'm going to stay a girl. The thought of not looking girly makes me sick. Do I want to be trans though? Yes, I really do. I've barely been a teen, so I know I can't to anything drastic like changing my gender. But I want to. It's such a hard feeling to explain. I also constantly feel like I'm being watched. I mean CONSTANTLY. It's been happening for years. My mother who was never really in my life, i feel like she's always in a movie theater watching. Any normal person probably would've thought of this scenario once and laughed it off. But I cant stop. I'm sick I'm sick I want help. Why do I hate my life but then get happy for lkke 20 minutes then I'm really sad again. But I cant hate myself because people in other countries have it worse. But I definitely can't say that I like where I live (I have a roof over my head thank goodness) because people immediately associate it with the president. Then I remind myself of the twisted sick world we live in by choice. I feel performative constantly. Why??? I,m not I swear. I just cant live my life properly. I use to run to my interest when I'm sad. For some stupid fucking reason though, whenever I look at it there is a voice in the back of my head calling me fake. I cant like anything anymore because my mind said so. I can't sh because then I'll get an affection, then get my arm amputated. I cant even cry, because I share a room with my dad and he always thinks he's doing something wrong. He takes things to personally. Urghhdnsjsjsjs.