LONG TEXT POST. I’m the problem isn’t it?
Extremely long story into a long short story. Does that make sense? lol, I actually wrote a really long and detailed post about this issues. It’s really long.. so I ended up just saving it as a draft.
I been thinking a lot these days. I was told I’m not the problem. But you know? I think I might be. It’s probably my fault, that I didn’t try hard enough.
I brought up asking why it was such a big deal for my best friend that I don't drive. It brought up a list of shit. She ended up saying we aren't moving forward in life, like we are stuck in college. How I can't be the friend for her when she needs it. That she was mad about me being a bad reference. That I said something negative that could have caused her to not get hired but that she was lucky because the first job had someone she knew. She asked that friend if its bad to say what I say and she said yes, they would have thrown your resume the moment they read it. That I knew she really wanted that job and that I might secretly be a bitch. That she was also pissed at me for the second reference because I only said 3 minutes worth of stuff, while the supervisor she knew for 3 months said 15minutes worth of stuff for her. That she almost couldn't get into the new job because people in HR started to question her if she really was the qualify person for this job. Blaming me for not making her stand out in that new job, didn't make her sound like a saint, didn't research on google on what is bad or what is good. Where she went to think I was secretly a bitch. I told her what I thought, what lengths I went to be a good reference. I spent hours researching about being a good reference and I read that people should make it sound like the person in question too perfect. Wrote down what I should say etc.
We ended up talking it out, but this friendship will never be the same.
Brings up another issue, I have for years, bring up talks of going vacation/traveling. She told me she needs to save money plus that I would need to save too. That I didn't like living in motels and that she likes motels. Recently, she told me she's going to orlando disney and universal studio ( which btw, i asked her before and she said she can't) So I asked her if she’s going with the family, and she said no. with friends. That her parents don't like those rides, and that she would need to pay for the whole thing if they do go. That she needs to save money now for this trip. I just told her to have fun, and she told me that amusement park are so expensive now. I told her, they been and haven't really engage in the chat anymore.
Should I be angry? I'm not angry that shes going on a trip, not at all. I'm upset and angry that she decided to travel to orlando and live in a hotel. ALL the things she told me were expensive. She ended up calling me 10 mins later, but I didn’t pick up. I had work to do. I asked her why she called and she said nothing, that she was driving and was bored, so she called.
I asked a friend that I recently started talking to again after years of no contact. She said I was the friends back up friend.
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I have my family but I don't want them to know. I told my mom what's going on with my friend and I and she's worried and saying I'm friendless now. I no longer have close friends, because I thought these two were my forever buddies. The people that I can rely on. I have friends that I don't hang out with any longer but she's right. I am friendless.
I'm alone.
I.. no longer want to give my 100% to friends. No matter how much I give out, stand by them, listen to them. I always end up hurt.
I don't think I can handle any more of it. No matter how much I try to think positive. I try to think positive of all the things since 6 years ago. I'm trying my best, the struggles I'm dealing with may not be a big deal for anyone else. But for me, it's so tough. There's so many.. emotions I'm feeling right now. I can't describe it. But at the end of the day. I want to cry. I been thinking how.. life is so hard right now. Would it get better? I always thought, hey, maybe If I made new friends, find my future husband (yeah I can still joke) things would get better. But ,I'm just feeling so tired. Will things eventually get better? But I don’t know how long I can keep dreaming and looking forward to a better future, where I meet someone who gets me, someone that I can rely on and just be me. All I can think now is when will my life end?
Because, I hope it's soon.
